Dale Tudge? Humor!
LightNews LightNews
banner
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
Dale Tudge? Humor!
@daletudgehumor.bsky.social
730 followers 620 following 2.8K posts
Humourist and storyteller, but not necessarily both at the same time, or either at any time. Retired ghostwriter.

I've lent my pen to the likes of Steve Martin, National Lampoon, Ripley's Believe It or Not!

https://daletudge.substack.com/
Posts Replies Media Videos
Pinned
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
Dale Tudge? Humor! @daletudgehumor.bsky.social · 10d
Enjoy today's #writing— but fair warning: my older posts are waiting. If ignored, they'll begin sighing audibly.

No one wants sighing posts, least of all the audible kind. Visit them. They’ll appreciate the attention. and I can spend more time crafting and less time coddling.

#stories #haiku #poem
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
The little red squigglies stitched into my poem are merely my disagreement with the English language. It tried to apply corrections that it shouldn't have.

#poemsabout #YouShouldntHave #poetry #poem #writing
@thebrokenspine.co.uk
@alanparrywriter.co.uk
The Done Has Been Did by Dale Tudge Shouldn’t’ve, couldn’t’ve, wouldn’t if I’d known— Oughtn’t’ve, mustn’t’ve, better left alone. Hadn’t ought to’ve tried what shouldn’t have been tried, Needn’t ever have opened what shouldn’t have been pried. Should we? We shouldn’t. Could we? We couldn’t. Would we, if we could’ve? We would’ve— but we shouldn’t’ve— and we wouldn’t. Had I but known what I shouldn’t have had to’ve known, I’d never have had to’ve had to have shown the thing that I did that I shouldn’t have did— (Forgive me; the grammar got lost in the grid.) You oughtn’t. I mustn’t. They couldn’t. We shan’t. There’s nothing we should’ve that now, simply, we can’t. The deed has been didden, the done has been did, The shouldn’t has should’ve, the didn’t has did. We shouldn’t have started this shouldn’t-have song, But having begun, we shouldn’t last long— Yet here we go on, when we oughtn’t persist, Adding shouldn’ts to shouldn’ts to the shouldn’t-have list. -Dale Tudge @daletudgehumor
December 13, 2025 at 12:27 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
Smith's Crisps, the crisp with a twist. A fine snacky street snack. Better than fried fish scraps — the scrumps, screeds, and gribbles the kids would scrounge from the chip van on a Saturday.

#poemsabout #YouShouldntHave
@thebrokenspine.co.uk
@alanparrywriter.co.uk
TALES FROM THE CRICKLEWOOD CROWN — A Smith's Crisps Presentation — CRICKLEWOOD CRACKLES! Britain's Crispest Christmas Yet! They turned in unison, each pressing a packet of Smith's crisps and a five-pound note into the other's palm. "You shouldn't have," they chorused, already calculating this windfall—perhaps more of those fine potato crisps from Smith's of Cricklewood. And so the great wheel of commerce turns! Smith's Crisps—sustaining seasonal goodwill since the garages behind the Crown first rang with industry! Join us next week for another Tale from The Cricklewood Crown... (it's still a pub—do try to keep up; you wouldn't want to become the subject of a future Cricklewood Crown Tale) -by Dale Tudge @daletudgehumor
December 12, 2025 at 4:22 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
Beneath the boardwalk,
sea #stars cling to submerged beams;
mussels flex their swol.

#HaikuFeels #north #enough #verse #DailyHaikuPrompt #Senryu #Haiku #HaikuSky #HaikuChallenge #Poetry #MicroPoetry #PoetryCommunity #WritingCommunity #writing #poem
December 11, 2025 at 4:30 PM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
Nails his speech, #drops mic.
A harsh crack rings through the hall.
"I will pay for that."

#HaikuFeels #north #enough #verse #DailyHaikuPrompt #Senryu #Haiku #HaikuSky #HaikuChallenge #Poetry #MicroPoetry #PoetryCommunity #WritingCommunity #writing #poem
December 11, 2025 at 4:19 PM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
Take the time
to go up to your kid’s old attic bedroom
and stare at the assortment of posters
they pinned to the ceiling,
wedged between the roof beams.

Try and figure what they mean.
It will be tricky—
you’ll need to kneel
or just lie there on the floor
and look up.

Perhaps a cushion.

#vss #poem
December 11, 2025 at 5:41 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
They said the Groundhog Day curse would be unbearable--reliving one day, forever. I awoke in screaming darkness, surrounded, smothered, trapped.

Then Bono appeared and the screaming intensified. Wait. Am I—is this Live Aid? My eternal damnation is reliving rock music history? I mean... Nooo! #vss
December 10, 2025 at 3:34 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
If we #split infinity—50/50—half for you, half for me, we're both in infinitely better positions than we were a moment ago.

But who decides who gets which half? The first half of infinity adds up to considerably less infinity than the second, and I didn't come here to be swindled.

#blueskyrelay
December 10, 2025 at 2:45 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
I'd rather readers be #amused than #bemused, though the bemusing amuses me. If you're confused, I'm bemused. If bemused, I'm amused. If amused, we've arrived. It would be beneath me to admit I misdirect deliberately. It is not beneath me to do it.

#emoetry #vss #writing #poetry #prose #poem
daletudgehumor.bsky.social Dale Tudge? Humor! @daletudgehumor.bsky.social · 3d
I asked her to be my muse.

"Why don't you become MY muse," she replied #bemusedly. "Maybe I'd rather be inspired than inspiring. You've already given me an idea. Go fix yourself a drink, there's reviews of abandoned poets on the escritoire, and stop slouching—you're representing me now."

#emoetry
December 10, 2025 at 1:59 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
They buried Alan Rufus at Bury St Edmunds, though I missed the burial. I attend very few burials in Bury, as a policy. Then they reburied him inside Bury Abbey, which is the same place under a different name, and owing to my policy, I was not present at his reburial—rather a prestige upgrade.

#vss
minghow1.bsky.social minghow1.bsky.social @minghow1.bsky.social · 3d
I find it comforting that Alan Rufus’s first English property, Wyken Farm in Suffolk, is still operating with many of the same animals.
December 10, 2025 at 12:09 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
I asked her to be my muse.

"Why don't you become MY muse," she replied #bemusedly. "Maybe I'd rather be inspired than inspiring. You've already given me an idea. Go fix yourself a drink, there's reviews of abandoned poets on the escritoire, and stop slouching—you're representing me now."

#emoetry
December 9, 2025 at 9:31 PM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
In death, he’s "Stretched," now—
rubbery, resilient man;
once-strong arms gone slack.

#HaikuFeels #north #enough #verse #DailyHaikuPrompt #Senryu #Haiku #HaikuSky #HaikuChallenge #Poetry #MicroPoetry #PoetryCommunity #WritingCommunity #writing #poem #StretchArmstrong
December 9, 2025 at 9:15 PM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
Hold your #breath and dive;
this works for brief periods—
what with the no gills.

#HaikuFeels #north #enough #verse #DailyHaikuPrompt #Senryu #Haiku #HaikuSky #HaikuChallenge #Poetry #MicroPoetry #PoetryCommunity #WritingCommunity #writing #poem
December 9, 2025 at 7:50 PM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
If it's ANY #consolation, it's likely the prize—the one that knew you wanted to win something else. Or the round, allowing you to continue your losing streak against inferior opponents for pride, or some obligation you must fulfil if you want to take home a trophy the size of an egg timer.

#vss365
December 9, 2025 at 7:21 PM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
Adjusts glasses, clears 1.89 metres in the high jump—kidding, I'm a paper lion. But Capua? That was Mater Matuta's temple. Aurora is what the Romans called her later—the Shirley Temple of goddesses. The deity who was and wasn't and isn't the deity.

No, "boop-oop-a-doop" is the other one.

#writing
daletudgehumor.bsky.social Dale Tudge? Humor! @daletudgehumor.bsky.social · 4d
At the Fondo Patturelli the family dug by night, selling what was never theirs. #Aurora, had you cared to intervene, you might have closed the earth upon their spades. You did not. Perhaps immortals take a longer view of theft. The votives sit in the Museo Campano now. The thieves are dust.
#whistpr
December 9, 2025 at 3:02 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
At the Fondo Patturelli the family dug by night, selling what was never theirs. #Aurora, had you cared to intervene, you might have closed the earth upon their spades. You did not. Perhaps immortals take a longer view of theft. The votives sit in the Museo Campano now. The thieves are dust.
#whistpr
December 9, 2025 at 1:14 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
One can certainly contrive a simple #story from the words #rift and #lag, though I confess reluctance to combine #prompts— one risks schisms in the #writing and #poetry communities. But as I find myself lagging behind owing to a deadline—that familiar tyrant—I make no claims to vigour.
#blueskyrelay
December 9, 2025 at 12:55 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
A #Soliloquy on Soliloquies, Delivered by a Soliloquist, Alone, to No One in Particular

"I soliloquise upon soliloquies, soliloquising soliloquaciously until the word itself dissolves into meaningless syllables. Sol-il-o-quy. See? Now I've broken it. This is why soliloquists drink."

#vss365 #poem
December 8, 2025 at 4:54 PM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
Magnetic, sexy north—
my compass never mentioned
just how attractive.

#HaikuFeels #north #enough #verse #DailyHaikuPrompt #Senryu #Haiku #HaikuSky #HaikuChallenge #Poetry #MicroPoetry #PoetryCommunity #WritingCommunity #writing #poem
December 8, 2025 at 4:45 PM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
The glass filled—enough;
though when they asked to "say when,"
I hadn't said "when."

#HaikuFeels #enough #verse #DailyHaikuPrompt #Senryu #Haiku #HaikuSky #HaikuChallenge #Poetry #MicroPoetry #PoetryCommunity #WritingCommunity #writing #poem
December 8, 2025 at 4:36 PM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
quiz whiz, smarty pants;
#writes answers without effort,
then edits the tests.

#HaikuFeels #quiz #verse #DailyHaikuPrompt #Senryu #Haiku #HaikuSky #HaikuChallenge #Poetry #MicroPoetry #PoetryCommunity #WritingCommunity #writing #poem
December 8, 2025 at 4:30 PM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
"I refill my wineskin from a stream of consciousness. Not wine—for the wine-stream left me bereft of conscious thought, pooling in unconsciousness, dreaming of streams, until I surface gasping for something to fill me. The stream flows. The skin fills. The wine isn't wine."

#vss365 #soliloquy
December 8, 2025 at 1:02 PM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
I was #writing with passion, learning my craft, getting paid. The art was lost—on paper, literally—but I learned how I wrote, how I would learn to write, how I thought I should write like others, how writing like myself paid less than helping someone else write what they'd insist they wrote.

#vss
daletudgehumor.bsky.social Dale Tudge? Humor! @daletudgehumor.bsky.social · 6d
Tit-Bits asked me for 1,000 words of curious anecdote. Seven shillings. They rejected it for "requiring too much of the reader." So I wrote another 1,000 words on "Reflections Upon Being Paid in Full for Material Deemed Unsuitable, and When Does a Shilling Cease to Be a Shilling."

#writing #humour
December 7, 2025 at 2:48 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
Tit-Bits asked me for 1,000 words of curious anecdote. Seven shillings. They rejected it for "requiring too much of the reader." So I wrote another 1,000 words on "Reflections Upon Being Paid in Full for Material Deemed Unsuitable, and When Does a Shilling Cease to Be a Shilling."

#writing #humour
December 7, 2025 at 2:14 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
In any event—say, a Martian invasion—Wells convinced readers that interplanetary war machines were more credible than underwater vessels. The submarine has since been invented. I submit that Vingt Mille Lieues sous les mers ought now to be shelved under Naval History—perhaps Documentaries.

#scifi
daletudgehumor.bsky.social Dale Tudge? Humor! @daletudgehumor.bsky.social · 6d
Of course, it was always wiser to defer to Mr. Shaw—the knight who refused the sword, presumably because it would have meant ordering new stationery—unless you wished to be Aunt Sally'ed, become the next cock-shy for his inexhaustible, pitiless Shavian barbs.

#writing #gbs #hgwells
daletudgehumor.bsky.social Dale Tudge? Humor! @daletudgehumor.bsky.social · 6d
Most guests at Essex Hall would have been mortified, but this was merely pugnacious wit between friends. I had positioned myself near the retiring room door—a useful exit when Shaw found his rhythm. Still, his point about worlds worth warring over, I concede, had genuine Shavian merit.

#writing
December 7, 2025 at 1:18 AM
daletudgehumor.bsky.social
Of course, it was always wiser to defer to Mr. Shaw—the knight who refused the sword, presumably because it would have meant ordering new stationery—unless you wished to be Aunt Sally'ed, become the next cock-shy for his inexhaustible, pitiless Shavian barbs.

#writing #gbs #hgwells
daletudgehumor.bsky.social Dale Tudge? Humor! @daletudgehumor.bsky.social · 6d
Most guests at Essex Hall would have been mortified, but this was merely pugnacious wit between friends. I had positioned myself near the retiring room door—a useful exit when Shaw found his rhythm. Still, his point about worlds worth warring over, I concede, had genuine Shavian merit.

#writing
daletudgehumor.bsky.social Dale Tudge? Humor! @daletudgehumor.bsky.social · 6d
And, of course, Shaw warmed to act two.

"Your interplanetary penny dreadful presupposes at least two worlds worth warring over. I grant you Earth—grudgingly, given its management—but Mars remains speculation. You have written a conflict between the probable and the merely hopeful."

#scifi #wotw
December 7, 2025 at 1:00 AM