Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
@dumbmike.bsky.social
I run a kill shelter for small dogs 💖
Pinned
Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
If I saw Dracula turn into a bat or other creepy crawly I'd give him such a big bare ass spanking. Knock it off, mister!
November 25, 2025 at 2:04 AM
If I saw Dracula turn into a bat or other creepy crawly I'd give him such a big bare ass spanking. Knock it off, mister!
Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
SCULLY: It's impossible. There's no one on earth who could teach you to fit that many marshmallows in your mouth.
MULDER: Daff righ...... No one...... on urff...
MULDER: Daff righ...... No one...... on urff...
December 7, 2024 at 5:42 AM
SCULLY: It's impossible. There's no one on earth who could teach you to fit that many marshmallows in your mouth.
MULDER: Daff righ...... No one...... on urff...
MULDER: Daff righ...... No one...... on urff...
Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
PARTY HOST: Whoa, look who decided to show up ten minutes late! It's Mr. Punctual!
EVERYONE: (laughs)
ME: (typing on phone)
ME: (typing)
ME: (takes photo of host)
ME: (typing)
ME: (typing)
ME: (stifling laughter to self)
ME: (typing)
ME: Oh yeah? Well your hair is brown, you short cunt.
EVERYONE: (laughs)
ME: (typing on phone)
ME: (typing)
ME: (takes photo of host)
ME: (typing)
ME: (typing)
ME: (stifling laughter to self)
ME: (typing)
ME: Oh yeah? Well your hair is brown, you short cunt.
Everything about this might be the saddest thing I’ve ever seen
November 24, 2025 at 2:04 PM
PARTY HOST: Whoa, look who decided to show up ten minutes late! It's Mr. Punctual!
EVERYONE: (laughs)
ME: (typing on phone)
ME: (typing)
ME: (takes photo of host)
ME: (typing)
ME: (typing)
ME: (stifling laughter to self)
ME: (typing)
ME: Oh yeah? Well your hair is brown, you short cunt.
EVERYONE: (laughs)
ME: (typing on phone)
ME: (typing)
ME: (takes photo of host)
ME: (typing)
ME: (typing)
ME: (stifling laughter to self)
ME: (typing)
ME: Oh yeah? Well your hair is brown, you short cunt.
I met a gaunt old man who told me when I offered him a crust of bread he was asexual for food.
But when I looked away, he fucked it.
But when I looked away, he fucked it.
November 24, 2025 at 8:38 PM
I met a gaunt old man who told me when I offered him a crust of bread he was asexual for food.
But when I looked away, he fucked it.
But when I looked away, he fucked it.
I'm standing outside your house melting a big pan of white chocolate craft store candy wafers and OOH I'm gonna COAT your ass
November 24, 2025 at 6:30 PM
I'm standing outside your house melting a big pan of white chocolate craft store candy wafers and OOH I'm gonna COAT your ass
Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The Forum Boy
October 28, 2024 at 10:03 PM
The Forum Boy
Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
PARTY HOST: Whoa, look who decided to show up ten minutes late! It's Mr. Punctual!
EVERYONE: (laughs)
ME: (typing on phone)
ME: (typing)
ME: (takes photo of host)
ME: (typing)
ME: (typing)
ME: (stifling laughter to self)
ME: (typing)
ME: Oh yeah? Well your hair is brown, you short cunt.
EVERYONE: (laughs)
ME: (typing on phone)
ME: (typing)
ME: (takes photo of host)
ME: (typing)
ME: (typing)
ME: (stifling laughter to self)
ME: (typing)
ME: Oh yeah? Well your hair is brown, you short cunt.
Everything about this might be the saddest thing I’ve ever seen
November 24, 2025 at 2:04 PM
PARTY HOST: Whoa, look who decided to show up ten minutes late! It's Mr. Punctual!
EVERYONE: (laughs)
ME: (typing on phone)
ME: (typing)
ME: (takes photo of host)
ME: (typing)
ME: (typing)
ME: (stifling laughter to self)
ME: (typing)
ME: Oh yeah? Well your hair is brown, you short cunt.
EVERYONE: (laughs)
ME: (typing on phone)
ME: (typing)
ME: (takes photo of host)
ME: (typing)
ME: (typing)
ME: (stifling laughter to self)
ME: (typing)
ME: Oh yeah? Well your hair is brown, you short cunt.
I just woke up and my dogs were standing around the bed on two legs. Their lips were moving like they spoke human language but I heard no sound. They coaxed me back to sleep by singing but I merely pretended. I stayed awake but squinting and studied their strange ways. #nottrue #lie #unfollow
November 23, 2025 at 5:34 AM
I'm not sure what it says but I can't really laugh at "jokes" anymore. Like "Tuesday implies the existence of Onesday". Yeah. Whatever. I only enjoy "lies". "I was Prince's nanny and later his wet nurse. I gave suck to the musical artist 'Prince' until he was 49 years old." Cool. Tell me everything.
November 23, 2025 at 4:43 AM
I'm not sure what it says but I can't really laugh at "jokes" anymore. Like "Tuesday implies the existence of Onesday". Yeah. Whatever. I only enjoy "lies". "I was Prince's nanny and later his wet nurse. I gave suck to the musical artist 'Prince' until he was 49 years old." Cool. Tell me everything.
the police hit me with a big tree branch and i found out i loved getting severe brain damage
November 23, 2025 at 3:29 AM
the police hit me with a big tree branch and i found out i loved getting severe brain damage
Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
can't believe rfk jr wants to stop me from eating red M&Ms but he'll eat *** out of an ****
November 23, 2025 at 1:49 AM
can't believe rfk jr wants to stop me from eating red M&Ms but he'll eat *** out of an ****
I put a turtle in the local Little Library not realizing it was just a public microwave
November 23, 2025 at 1:50 AM
I put a turtle in the local Little Library not realizing it was just a public microwave
Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
OLIVIA NUZZI: I wish I was famous for fucking a walking corpse.
MONKEY'S PAW: No, you're supposed to wish something normal and then *I* twist it to something terrible.
OLIVIA NUZZI: Ah. Well, I wish I was riding the cryptkeeper's dick so hard it snapped in half. And he shit in my hair.
MONKEY'S PAW: No, you're supposed to wish something normal and then *I* twist it to something terrible.
OLIVIA NUZZI: Ah. Well, I wish I was riding the cryptkeeper's dick so hard it snapped in half. And he shit in my hair.
November 22, 2025 at 2:39 PM
OLIVIA NUZZI: I wish I was famous for fucking a walking corpse.
MONKEY'S PAW: No, you're supposed to wish something normal and then *I* twist it to something terrible.
OLIVIA NUZZI: Ah. Well, I wish I was riding the cryptkeeper's dick so hard it snapped in half. And he shit in my hair.
MONKEY'S PAW: No, you're supposed to wish something normal and then *I* twist it to something terrible.
OLIVIA NUZZI: Ah. Well, I wish I was riding the cryptkeeper's dick so hard it snapped in half. And he shit in my hair.
Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Q. Will there be email at the party?
A. Yes. There will be an email station at my birthday party.
A. Yes. There will be an email station at my birthday party.
August 6, 2025 at 12:46 PM
Q. Will there be email at the party?
A. Yes. There will be an email station at my birthday party.
A. Yes. There will be an email station at my birthday party.
My girlfriend Olivia Nuzzi just left me for someone she met on legacy․com
November 22, 2025 at 9:21 PM
My girlfriend Olivia Nuzzi just left me for someone she met on legacy․com
OLIVIA NUZZI: I wish I was famous for fucking a walking corpse.
MONKEY'S PAW: No, you're supposed to wish something normal and then *I* twist it to something terrible.
OLIVIA NUZZI: Ah. Well, I wish I was riding the cryptkeeper's dick so hard it snapped in half. And he shit in my hair.
MONKEY'S PAW: No, you're supposed to wish something normal and then *I* twist it to something terrible.
OLIVIA NUZZI: Ah. Well, I wish I was riding the cryptkeeper's dick so hard it snapped in half. And he shit in my hair.
November 22, 2025 at 2:39 PM
OLIVIA NUZZI: I wish I was famous for fucking a walking corpse.
MONKEY'S PAW: No, you're supposed to wish something normal and then *I* twist it to something terrible.
OLIVIA NUZZI: Ah. Well, I wish I was riding the cryptkeeper's dick so hard it snapped in half. And he shit in my hair.
MONKEY'S PAW: No, you're supposed to wish something normal and then *I* twist it to something terrible.
OLIVIA NUZZI: Ah. Well, I wish I was riding the cryptkeeper's dick so hard it snapped in half. And he shit in my hair.
Lots of folk here were following my Ape House project so I'm sad to say it's over. I've rented a 15yd construction dumpster to cart away the many separated ape parts cluttering up the halls after the exterminators swept through. My children and I will miss these gentle apes. And I know you will too.
November 22, 2025 at 4:36 AM
Lots of folk here were following my Ape House project so I'm sad to say it's over. I've rented a 15yd construction dumpster to cart away the many separated ape parts cluttering up the halls after the exterminators swept through. My children and I will miss these gentle apes. And I know you will too.
fishing a turd out of my bath with a little aquarium net and plopping it on the tile beside the tub
November 22, 2025 at 2:00 AM
fishing a turd out of my bath with a little aquarium net and plopping it on the tile beside the tub
I'm the guy who replies to every negative AI opinion with "bbut machine learning!! cancer diagnosis!!" I'm on emergency call 24/7 like a heart surgeon and I have to run to a computer no matter what I'm doing. Even if I'm sleeping or in the middle of toilet business. And it's usually that last thing.
November 21, 2025 at 10:37 PM
I'm the guy who replies to every negative AI opinion with "bbut machine learning!! cancer diagnosis!!" I'm on emergency call 24/7 like a heart surgeon and I have to run to a computer no matter what I'm doing. Even if I'm sleeping or in the middle of toilet business. And it's usually that last thing.
Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
MAMDANI: And I just think that there are barriers, barricades, to helping Americans that we can break down
TRUMP: Uh huh
MAMDANI: And breaking down barriers? Reminds me of a certain Broadway show *smiling widely* where they worked together to break a barricade?
TRUMP: *sitting bolt upright* Phantom
TRUMP: Uh huh
MAMDANI: And breaking down barriers? Reminds me of a certain Broadway show *smiling widely* where they worked together to break a barricade?
TRUMP: *sitting bolt upright* Phantom
November 21, 2025 at 10:17 PM
MAMDANI: And I just think that there are barriers, barricades, to helping Americans that we can break down
TRUMP: Uh huh
MAMDANI: And breaking down barriers? Reminds me of a certain Broadway show *smiling widely* where they worked together to break a barricade?
TRUMP: *sitting bolt upright* Phantom
TRUMP: Uh huh
MAMDANI: And breaking down barriers? Reminds me of a certain Broadway show *smiling widely* where they worked together to break a barricade?
TRUMP: *sitting bolt upright* Phantom
I'm gonna call it now: Trump blew him
November 21, 2025 at 9:19 PM
I'm gonna call it now: Trump blew him
Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
When I see people eating rice, you know I gotta hit em with that "Long grain??"
— last words, recorded at execution of the Rice Idiot
— last words, recorded at execution of the Rice Idiot
November 21, 2025 at 1:15 AM
When I see people eating rice, you know I gotta hit em with that "Long grain??"
— last words, recorded at execution of the Rice Idiot
— last words, recorded at execution of the Rice Idiot