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Henpecked Hal

@henpeckedhal.bsky.social

2.1K followers 120 following 690 posts

Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM.

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · Jan 4

My wife is fed up

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 4h

Welcome to parenthood. You curse more than ever, but it's all under your breath and completely unsatisfying.

Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 1d

It is with a heavy heart that I post this, according to my cardiologist.

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 1d

me: what scientific innovations are you most looking forward to in the future?

daughter: maybe for couches?

son: oh, interplanetary exploration for sure! soon mankind will be able to inhabit—

me: yeah, space, got it. I’d like to hear more about the couches

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 2d

“I’m happy to hop on a call…” Weirdo.

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 3d

I’ve had many parenting highlights this year, but so far my favorite is my daughter screaming, “YOU DON’T KNOW HOW IT FEELS!!!” as I tried to console her after she stubbed her toe on my hospital bed.

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 6d

Been in this house nine years and I almost got all the light switches figured out.

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 8d

I was feeling pretty good until I tried to book a face painter for my daughter’s birthday party and realized they make twice what I do.

Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 9d

bouncer: I'm not going to tell you again

me: ok, ok, I'll stop

bouncer:

me:

bouncer:

me: *yawwwwnnnn*

bouncer: you're out!

Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 10d

sorry but “people are either going to love me or hate me” is the worst of the personality types

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 11d

taking my last sip of fluids for the day at 6 AM so I don’t have to get up to pee in the middle of the night

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 11d

That’s the whole joke! Kernel/Colonel

Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 14d

me: did you hear about the corn that joined the army?

daughter:

me: he was a kernel

daughter:

me: because—

daughter: I’ll be in my room

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 16d

"See, THIS is what I'm talking about when I say parents have NO CLUE. No, I don't mayonnaise on my sandwich. Kids HATE mayonnaise. It's out. It's for old people. Kids love MAYO on their sandwiches. MAYO is hot right now." - my son, educating me

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · 19d

One of the most rewarding aspects of parenting is watching your kids develop skills you never dreamt possible. She’s only seven, but my daughter just spilled her milk telepathically.

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · Sep 12

me, passing a small-font flyer to my wife: you may not be able to read this, but...

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · Sep 10

As he walked off the field after tee ball practice my son asked if he did a good job. "No," I said, "you did not do a good job." The dad next to me slowly turned around, but before he could react my son yelled out, "I did a GREAT job!" The dad paused and turned back. We got 'em.

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · Sep 9

me: so I was just thinking, maybe I’ll gather up what everyone’s going to wear on our trip this weekend…

wife: that’s called “pre-packing”

me: but also, what if I made a list of everything we’re going to eat on our trip…

wife: uh huh, that’s called “meal planning”

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · Sep 8

Having a second kid is like having a sixth drink. You're going to be miserable in the morning anyway, so why not?

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · Sep 8

first grader, reading his homework: “What do you think? Should Chip clean his room?” I know what they *want* me to say, but I’m not sure it’s the right answer for me.

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · Sep 7

I’m saving up money to plant a row of bushes along the side of my yard. I call it my hedge fund.

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · Sep 6

that point in the movie where you learn that both the florist and the small town cop protecting her are *extremely* into parkour

Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · Sep 5

son: whatever, I’m not even listening to you

me: THAT'S IT! You're out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn't actually care about the school play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don't want to go to it

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · Sep 5

It’s hard to fathom just how deep the ocean truly is.

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Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · Sep 5

AAAACHOOOO!!!

Is that your *real* sneeze?

Yeah.

You’re not exaggerating it?

No.

So you’re saying if you were in a meeting with your boss right now that’s exactly how you would sneeze?

Exactly.

You can’t control it at all?

Not at all.

Hmmm…

It’s just how I sneeze.

Ok…

Henpecked Hal @henpeckedhal.bsky.social · Sep 4

😂🙌🙌