Uncle Duke
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uncleduke1969.bsky.social
Uncle Duke
@uncleduke1969.bsky.social
Pinned
decades-long manhunt finally ends
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there,” and I have not felt that level of job satisfaction since.
December 16, 2025 at 1:37 AM
Reposted by Uncle Duke
My English professor knocked my grade because he says I use a/an improperly. What a nasshole.
December 15, 2025 at 2:45 PM
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There are many things I like about winter, the holiday lights and cosy fires, hot cocoa and making snow angels, but my favourite of all is how I can see my breath escaping my lips.

It lets me I know I’m not dead yet.
December 15, 2025 at 2:51 PM
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I'm afraid I'll never understand string theory or people.
December 15, 2025 at 7:16 PM
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Phlegm is a gross word, right? Anyway, that'll dab right off sorry
December 15, 2025 at 7:22 PM
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I’m going to surprise my wife with a gym membership for Christmas. This is a good plan with no possible downside.
December 15, 2025 at 11:49 PM
“Whatcha lookin’ at, Morris?”
“Not a fucking thing, Walter.”
December 15, 2025 at 1:58 PM
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My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
December 14, 2025 at 2:07 PM
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“Bambi? Yeah, I know Bambi. Great guy. Fuckin’ shame what happened to his mom. Crap, I’m sorry. You can bleep that out, right?”
December 14, 2025 at 4:20 PM
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The joy one feels whilst eating the penultimate pancake, knowing that there is yet another to come, is balanced in equal measure by the despair at the realization that there is but one more remaining.
December 14, 2025 at 11:32 PM
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In some directions walking backwards is not only unencouraged but smiled upon. I do it as a way to undo things, and to get wound. Like crazy eyes to do it all again
December 15, 2025 at 5:46 AM
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[on the phone] oh yes enough chopsticks for four people

*winks at the cats*
December 15, 2025 at 5:23 AM
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Asked mom if she’d seen The Fantastic 4 and she said “Oh yes, Ringo was my favorite.”
December 14, 2025 at 2:54 PM
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honestly sometimes i wish the plot would thin a little
December 14, 2025 at 3:01 AM
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Paul Simon’s “Late in the Evening” is my favorite song about things that happen long after I’m in bed.
December 14, 2025 at 2:42 PM
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"Good evening."

"That's where you're wrong."
December 14, 2025 at 7:36 PM
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This day in history. 1098. Crusaders captured Maarat Syria cannibalizing the residents because why go abroad if you're not going to try new things.
December 15, 2023 at 10:26 AM
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Please. I’m not a hypocrite. It’s just that my prior convictions became so inconvenient. You understand.
August 26, 2025 at 8:12 AM
The joy one feels whilst eating the penultimate pancake, knowing that there is yet another to come, is balanced in equal measure by the despair at the realization that there is but one more remaining.
December 14, 2025 at 11:32 PM
“Bambi? Yeah, I know Bambi. Great guy. Fuckin’ shame what happened to his mom. Crap, I’m sorry. You can bleep that out, right?”
December 14, 2025 at 4:20 PM
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
December 14, 2025 at 2:07 PM
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“Have you brought the list?”
“I have, O Great One.”
“Has it been checked twice?”
“Of course, sir”
“Excellent.”
“Do you require anything further?”
“Bring me an elf, I’m famished.”
December 13, 2025 at 2:09 PM
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♫ He shouldn’t have run
♫ He shouldn’t have tried
♫ They found coke in the sleigh
♫ And an old forty-five
♫ Santa Claus is going downtown
December 13, 2025 at 4:25 PM
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sometimes I think about stores and the fragrance they put in the air that has been proven to make us want to buy things and then I forget how to breathe but anyway happy holidays to you too
December 13, 2025 at 2:40 PM
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This little light of mine, I need to change the bulb.
December 13, 2025 at 3:50 AM