𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
@unfitz.bsky.social
Fugitive warlord. Indicted crypto kingpin. Disgraced former intern. Dry clean only.
He/him/his
Fitzy’s Funtastic Feed: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eeuovmdmopwss5bsf7el3ra7/feed/aaabi4hywtg5g
He/him/his
Fitzy’s Funtastic Feed: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eeuovmdmopwss5bsf7el3ra7/feed/aaabi4hywtg5g
Pinned
𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
@unfitz.bsky.social
· Jan 9
I have a favorite song about driving a train while high on cocaine. But I’m not going to tell you what it is. You have to guess.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
[Karate club]
instructor: always expect the unexpected
me: but if I expect the unexpected, it won’t be unexpected when it happens
instructor: *stabs me*
me: hmm, I wasn’t expecting that
instructor: always expect the unexpected
me: but if I expect the unexpected, it won’t be unexpected when it happens
instructor: *stabs me*
me: hmm, I wasn’t expecting that
January 21, 2026 at 2:07 PM
[Karate club]
instructor: always expect the unexpected
me: but if I expect the unexpected, it won’t be unexpected when it happens
instructor: *stabs me*
me: hmm, I wasn’t expecting that
instructor: always expect the unexpected
me: but if I expect the unexpected, it won’t be unexpected when it happens
instructor: *stabs me*
me: hmm, I wasn’t expecting that
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I don’t care what anyone says, revenge is even better if you microwave it for thirty seconds.
January 21, 2026 at 1:41 PM
I don’t care what anyone says, revenge is even better if you microwave it for thirty seconds.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Revenge is a dish best served cold so order it from DoorDash.
January 21, 2026 at 1:14 PM
Revenge is a dish best served cold so order it from DoorDash.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
idk, maybe the dinosaurs were playing marco polo when shit went down and now nessie over at the loch is still shouting marco into the void
January 21, 2026 at 1:12 PM
idk, maybe the dinosaurs were playing marco polo when shit went down and now nessie over at the loch is still shouting marco into the void
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I know you all secretly love my posts. Silence is just another form of admiration.
January 21, 2026 at 12:30 PM
I know you all secretly love my posts. Silence is just another form of admiration.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
My cat: hey man I'm no narc but someone dropped my toy mouse in the toilet again
January 21, 2026 at 4:16 AM
My cat: hey man I'm no narc but someone dropped my toy mouse in the toilet again
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I like how the phrase "fly in the ointment" implies that everything was fine until biology happened
January 20, 2026 at 6:42 PM
I like how the phrase "fly in the ointment" implies that everything was fine until biology happened
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Have you heard the good word?
- Me, going door to door with a photo album of my cats
- Me, going door to door with a photo album of my cats
January 21, 2026 at 12:51 AM
Have you heard the good word?
- Me, going door to door with a photo album of my cats
- Me, going door to door with a photo album of my cats
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
when I'm busy posting and I hear the word "bedtime" I know it applies to someone else
January 20, 2026 at 9:29 PM
when I'm busy posting and I hear the word "bedtime" I know it applies to someone else
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
When i hear the word "natural" I immediately assume someone stupid is trying to sell me something
January 20, 2026 at 6:46 PM
When i hear the word "natural" I immediately assume someone stupid is trying to sell me something
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
write drunk edit sober hemmingway said but he never had social media so
January 21, 2026 at 7:50 AM
write drunk edit sober hemmingway said but he never had social media so
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Your outie trusts the accuracy of AI.
January 21, 2026 at 12:02 AM
Your outie trusts the accuracy of AI.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Ninjas prefer knives because of the silent letter.
September 11, 2024 at 10:22 PM
Ninjas prefer knives because of the silent letter.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
The best way to avoid accidentally cutting yourself when slicing vegetables with a sharp knife is to get your kids to hold them instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.
April 22, 2025 at 12:52 PM
The best way to avoid accidentally cutting yourself when slicing vegetables with a sharp knife is to get your kids to hold them instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
On March 28th, 1962, Brian's mom said she would pick him and his friend Tom up at 3pm, and they absolutely weren't, under any circumstances, to leave.
January 21, 2026 at 2:05 AM
On March 28th, 1962, Brian's mom said she would pick him and his friend Tom up at 3pm, and they absolutely weren't, under any circumstances, to leave.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Don't forget to overreact to something you read on the internet today.
June 27, 2024 at 1:02 PM
Don't forget to overreact to something you read on the internet today.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
This day in history. 1959. Crime-fighting forensic pathologist Frances Gertrude McGill, the Sherlock Holmes of Saskatchewan, died when her evil nemesis curling instructor Gordie Moriarty slipped a little-known asiatic poison into her hot cocoa.
January 21, 2026 at 9:24 AM
This day in history. 1959. Crime-fighting forensic pathologist Frances Gertrude McGill, the Sherlock Holmes of Saskatchewan, died when her evil nemesis curling instructor Gordie Moriarty slipped a little-known asiatic poison into her hot cocoa.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
a premature ejaculator’s great great great great great grandfather who fought in the American revolution was also known as a minuteman
*annnnnnnnd, send 👻*
*annnnnnnnd, send 👻*
January 20, 2026 at 3:53 PM
a premature ejaculator’s great great great great great grandfather who fought in the American revolution was also known as a minuteman
*annnnnnnnd, send 👻*
*annnnnnnnd, send 👻*
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
They were going to get rid of decimals but then nobody would see the point 🏆👑 Congratulations @unfitz.bsky.social from @prettyvulgar.bsky.social
Who called it book banning instead of the Dewey Decimate System?
January 20, 2026 at 9:00 PM
They were going to get rid of decimals but then nobody would see the point 🏆👑 Congratulations @unfitz.bsky.social from @prettyvulgar.bsky.social
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
things could be worse you could be one of those people at the gym working out in jeans
January 20, 2026 at 7:09 PM
things could be worse you could be one of those people at the gym working out in jeans
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
At bsky headquarters they have a leaderboard of who refreshes the site the most and they look at it and shake their heads sadly
January 20, 2026 at 5:29 PM
At bsky headquarters they have a leaderboard of who refreshes the site the most and they look at it and shake their heads sadly
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
When i hear the word "obvious" I like to take a moment to think about all the people to whom it wasn't
January 20, 2026 at 6:46 PM
When i hear the word "obvious" I like to take a moment to think about all the people to whom it wasn't
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
if you ever hear someone whistling at my funeral, that’s who killed me
January 20, 2026 at 9:44 AM
if you ever hear someone whistling at my funeral, that’s who killed me
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
"Anxiety will probably kill me before any of the wild things I am anxious about do" except it's 2026 and I live in the US
January 20, 2026 at 2:07 PM
"Anxiety will probably kill me before any of the wild things I am anxious about do" except it's 2026 and I live in the US