𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
@unfitz.bsky.social
Fugitive warlord. Indicted crypto kingpin. Disgraced former intern. Dry clean only.
He/him/his
Fitzy’s Funtastic Feed: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eeuovmdmopwss5bsf7el3ra7/feed/aaabi4hywtg5g
He/him/his
Fitzy’s Funtastic Feed: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eeuovmdmopwss5bsf7el3ra7/feed/aaabi4hywtg5g
Pinned
𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
@unfitz.bsky.social
· Aug 13
When people say to me “I’ve had enough of your nonsense” I give them a little more of my nonsense, in case they were just being polite.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
give me fuel
give me fire
give me an extinguisher, this immediately got out of hand
give me fire
give me an extinguisher, this immediately got out of hand
November 26, 2025 at 11:44 AM
give me fuel
give me fire
give me an extinguisher, this immediately got out of hand
give me fire
give me an extinguisher, this immediately got out of hand
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
*pronounces tomatoes like comatose*
November 26, 2025 at 12:10 AM
*pronounces tomatoes like comatose*
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
In lieu of thanksgiving I suggest holding a sort of family court convicting your most annoying relatives of various offenses
November 26, 2025 at 6:32 PM
In lieu of thanksgiving I suggest holding a sort of family court convicting your most annoying relatives of various offenses
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
are you there god, it’s me…what? you’re not there bc you don’t exist? then who is this?
November 25, 2025 at 1:56 PM
are you there god, it’s me…what? you’re not there bc you don’t exist? then who is this?
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
sometimes in the mornings i stand in front of the mirror screaming because my sleep paralysis demon drew dicks on my face the night before
November 14, 2024 at 3:08 AM
sometimes in the mornings i stand in front of the mirror screaming because my sleep paralysis demon drew dicks on my face the night before
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
going to savannah and eating a fresh praline by the river won’t fix generational trauma but it will make you stop missing sex for a few minutes
November 26, 2025 at 10:43 PM
going to savannah and eating a fresh praline by the river won’t fix generational trauma but it will make you stop missing sex for a few minutes
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
One Venti lobotomy, please.
November 26, 2025 at 5:39 PM
One Venti lobotomy, please.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Before you put raisins in anything tomorrow, just don’t.
November 26, 2025 at 7:26 PM
Before you put raisins in anything tomorrow, just don’t.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
The caffeine has hit my blood stream. I’m still indecisive, but I’m faster at it.
November 26, 2025 at 9:12 PM
The caffeine has hit my blood stream. I’m still indecisive, but I’m faster at it.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
me, after losing sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch: no, i still don’t find rfk jr attractive
November 26, 2025 at 6:26 PM
me, after losing sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch: no, i still don’t find rfk jr attractive
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
DATE: Aren’t you the guy who tells ridiculous lies to try and impress people
ME: No, I’m the guy who once roundhouse kicked a tree to death
ME: No, I’m the guy who once roundhouse kicked a tree to death
November 26, 2025 at 6:54 PM
DATE: Aren’t you the guy who tells ridiculous lies to try and impress people
ME: No, I’m the guy who once roundhouse kicked a tree to death
ME: No, I’m the guy who once roundhouse kicked a tree to death
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
starting a fight in the family group chat about how to pronounce pecan
November 26, 2025 at 7:30 PM
starting a fight in the family group chat about how to pronounce pecan
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
the cape stays on during the sex
November 26, 2025 at 7:12 PM
the cape stays on during the sex
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
watching clueless people buying a frozen turkey today and just thinking “oh honey”
November 26, 2025 at 7:59 PM
watching clueless people buying a frozen turkey today and just thinking “oh honey”
My AI hand turkey has seven tail feathers.
November 26, 2025 at 9:39 PM
My AI hand turkey has seven tail feathers.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
gtfo if your cranberry sauce isn’t shaped like a can like nature intended
November 26, 2025 at 1:57 PM
gtfo if your cranberry sauce isn’t shaped like a can like nature intended
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
trying to figure out how i can cook thanksgiving dinner from my bathtub
November 26, 2025 at 3:13 PM
trying to figure out how i can cook thanksgiving dinner from my bathtub
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
The amount of butter in my mashed potatoes could only be described as reckless
November 26, 2025 at 5:04 PM
The amount of butter in my mashed potatoes could only be described as reckless
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
screw the holidays, you should be here smooshing me instead!
November 26, 2025 at 4:29 PM
screw the holidays, you should be here smooshing me instead!
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Some Thanksgiving conversation starters:
"How about everything going on in politics these days?"
"I blame organized religion for most of the problems in the world. What do you guys think?
"I read that most married people fantasize about murdering their spouse more than sex."
"How about everything going on in politics these days?"
"I blame organized religion for most of the problems in the world. What do you guys think?
"I read that most married people fantasize about murdering their spouse more than sex."
November 26, 2025 at 4:14 PM
Some Thanksgiving conversation starters:
"How about everything going on in politics these days?"
"I blame organized religion for most of the problems in the world. What do you guys think?
"I read that most married people fantasize about murdering their spouse more than sex."
"How about everything going on in politics these days?"
"I blame organized religion for most of the problems in the world. What do you guys think?
"I read that most married people fantasize about murdering their spouse more than sex."
I’ve never paid for sex.
*looks at kids’ tuition bills*
Well, not on the front end.
*looks at kids’ tuition bills*
Well, not on the front end.
November 26, 2025 at 9:15 PM
I’ve never paid for sex.
*looks at kids’ tuition bills*
Well, not on the front end.
*looks at kids’ tuition bills*
Well, not on the front end.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
wife: why can’t you be more spontaneous?
me: but I bought you flowers for no reason only last week
wife: yes but I was thinking more along the lines of just bursting into flames…
me: but I bought you flowers for no reason only last week
wife: yes but I was thinking more along the lines of just bursting into flames…
November 26, 2025 at 2:08 PM
wife: why can’t you be more spontaneous?
me: but I bought you flowers for no reason only last week
wife: yes but I was thinking more along the lines of just bursting into flames…
me: but I bought you flowers for no reason only last week
wife: yes but I was thinking more along the lines of just bursting into flames…
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I'm a Brit, you're Canadian. Please don't thank me for thanking you, I'll only feel compelled to thank you back so you’ll then thank me again and before you know it we'll have been at it all night.
March 14, 2025 at 1:30 PM
I'm a Brit, you're Canadian. Please don't thank me for thanking you, I'll only feel compelled to thank you back so you’ll then thank me again and before you know it we'll have been at it all night.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
how else will i know if my kid's a witch?
November 26, 2025 at 7:28 PM
how else will i know if my kid's a witch?
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Flat Earthers are the only people who become less of a problem when you push them too far.
February 6, 2025 at 12:46 AM
Flat Earthers are the only people who become less of a problem when you push them too far.