𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
@unfitz.bsky.social
Fugitive warlord. Indicted crypto kingpin. Disgraced former intern. Dry clean only.
He/him/his
Fitzy’s Funtastic Feed: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eeuovmdmopwss5bsf7el3ra7/feed/aaabi4hywtg5g
He/him/his
Fitzy’s Funtastic Feed: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eeuovmdmopwss5bsf7el3ra7/feed/aaabi4hywtg5g
Pinned
𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
@unfitz.bsky.social
· Jan 9
I have a favorite song about driving a train while high on cocaine. But I’m not going to tell you what it is. You have to guess.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
a premature ejaculator’s great great great great great grandfather who fought in the American revolution was also known as a minuteman
*annnnnnnnd, send 👻*
*annnnnnnnd, send 👻*
January 20, 2026 at 3:53 PM
a premature ejaculator’s great great great great great grandfather who fought in the American revolution was also known as a minuteman
*annnnnnnnd, send 👻*
*annnnnnnnd, send 👻*
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
They were going to get rid of decimals but then nobody would see the point 🏆👑 Congratulations @unfitz.bsky.social from @prettyvulgar.bsky.social
Who called it book banning instead of the Dewey Decimate System?
January 20, 2026 at 9:00 PM
They were going to get rid of decimals but then nobody would see the point 🏆👑 Congratulations @unfitz.bsky.social from @prettyvulgar.bsky.social
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
things could be worse you could be one of those people at the gym working out in jeans
January 20, 2026 at 7:09 PM
things could be worse you could be one of those people at the gym working out in jeans
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
At bsky headquarters they have a leaderboard of who refreshes the site the most and they look at it and shake their heads sadly
January 20, 2026 at 5:29 PM
At bsky headquarters they have a leaderboard of who refreshes the site the most and they look at it and shake their heads sadly
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
When i hear the word "obvious" I like to take a moment to think about all the people to whom it wasn't
January 20, 2026 at 6:46 PM
When i hear the word "obvious" I like to take a moment to think about all the people to whom it wasn't
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
if you ever hear someone whistling at my funeral, that’s who killed me
January 20, 2026 at 9:44 AM
if you ever hear someone whistling at my funeral, that’s who killed me
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
"Anxiety will probably kill me before any of the wild things I am anxious about do" except it's 2026 and I live in the US
January 20, 2026 at 2:07 PM
"Anxiety will probably kill me before any of the wild things I am anxious about do" except it's 2026 and I live in the US
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Culdezac, the French author, was known for his gritty tales of suburban dad life. His novel, "The Lawnmower of the Valley" is a must read.
August 4, 2024 at 10:17 PM
Culdezac, the French author, was known for his gritty tales of suburban dad life. His novel, "The Lawnmower of the Valley" is a must read.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
You can't judge a book by its intentionally left blank page.
January 20, 2026 at 5:22 PM
You can't judge a book by its intentionally left blank page.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Every once in a while, I think about my Neopets that’ve been starving since ‘99 and feel a pang of guilt
January 20, 2026 at 5:58 PM
Every once in a while, I think about my Neopets that’ve been starving since ‘99 and feel a pang of guilt
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
inventing little pants to go under your normal pants. think i’ll call them underoverpants
January 20, 2026 at 5:57 PM
inventing little pants to go under your normal pants. think i’ll call them underoverpants
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Him: Apologies, sir. I’ll ask it to evolve into something more pleasant.
Him: Apologies, sir. I’ll ask it to evolve into something more pleasant.
January 20, 2026 at 6:07 PM
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Him: Apologies, sir. I’ll ask it to evolve into something more pleasant.
Him: Apologies, sir. I’ll ask it to evolve into something more pleasant.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I think I’ll be a cutie patootie tomorrow to dunk on my haters.
January 20, 2026 at 6:36 AM
I think I’ll be a cutie patootie tomorrow to dunk on my haters.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
last ditch efforts are definitely my favorite efforts
January 20, 2026 at 7:07 AM
last ditch efforts are definitely my favorite efforts
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I feel like the value in being named Greg is slipping
January 20, 2026 at 1:33 PM
I feel like the value in being named Greg is slipping
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
What if it's not you? What if, and hear me out, they don't know how to love or be loved?
January 20, 2026 at 1:35 PM
What if it's not you? What if, and hear me out, they don't know how to love or be loved?
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Ever fart so bad you feel obligated to plant three tree saplings to offset the damage you did.
January 20, 2026 at 1:37 PM
Ever fart so bad you feel obligated to plant three tree saplings to offset the damage you did.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
If you descend one level below the asphalt, you'll find me suspended in a glass box, not as a warning, but because they dedicated this road to me.
January 20, 2026 at 4:16 PM
If you descend one level below the asphalt, you'll find me suspended in a glass box, not as a warning, but because they dedicated this road to me.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Are you ok? The bathroom exhaust fan is making retching noises.
January 20, 2026 at 4:19 PM
Are you ok? The bathroom exhaust fan is making retching noises.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
"Why does my neck hurt so badly this morning?" I say having spent the past 3 days hunched over my phone and/or sitting like a shrimp
January 20, 2026 at 4:19 PM
"Why does my neck hurt so badly this morning?" I say having spent the past 3 days hunched over my phone and/or sitting like a shrimp
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
me: *reading my horoscope*
my horoscope: before we start, you may want to cancel any plans you have beyond Thursday
my horoscope: before we start, you may want to cancel any plans you have beyond Thursday
January 20, 2026 at 2:46 PM
me: *reading my horoscope*
my horoscope: before we start, you may want to cancel any plans you have beyond Thursday
my horoscope: before we start, you may want to cancel any plans you have beyond Thursday
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
January 20, 2026 at 1:26 PM
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
a 16 year gap in my résumé that just says, “Just a small town girl Livin' in a lonely world She took the midnight train going anywhere”
January 20, 2026 at 12:49 AM
a 16 year gap in my résumé that just says, “Just a small town girl Livin' in a lonely world She took the midnight train going anywhere”
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
i just sneezed into the crook of my arm you’re welcome
January 20, 2026 at 3:04 AM
i just sneezed into the crook of my arm you’re welcome