John Lyon
banner
johnlyon.bsky.social
John Lyon
@johnlyon.bsky.social
Opinions expressed here are not the opinions of my employer. They are the opinions of Elvis Presley as relayed to me telepathically by the inhabitants of Venus. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:nvcwxxjti7dvgqovf2rrml2c/feed/aaaj5zycfldqi
Pinned
If your wife says she wants chocolate and strawberries for Valentine’s Day, mixing Count Chocula and Frankenberry is not good enough. I know this now.
Reposted by John Lyon
what do you call a british mother who is unusually petite?

a minimum
November 24, 2025 at 1:00 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
They call it “personal growth” because other people’s growths are disgusting.
November 19, 2025 at 11:10 AM
Reposted by John Lyon
I have nightmares that I'm going to live way longer than I can afford to.
November 25, 2025 at 2:54 AM
Reposted by John Lyon
And then the clerk said "Your wrinkles and grays are HIDEOUS!"

Actually she said nothing & took the payment for my wine without carding me
November 13, 2025 at 4:53 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
Once again, without hesitation, I look at my phone and press "update all".

If you're not living on the edge you're taking up too much space.
November 22, 2025 at 2:36 AM
Reposted by John Lyon
the names bond. gold bond.
November 25, 2025 at 5:18 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
Its Friday! Can’t wait to go to bed!
November 21, 2025 at 12:43 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
I’m a ‘crying on the inside’ kind of guy. It’s probably the diet of raw onions.
November 25, 2025 at 1:30 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
I always get it backwards, except for that one time that I didn't but I thought I did so I turned it around and then realized my mistake and had to turn it back around a second time.
July 11, 2025 at 9:35 AM
Reposted by John Lyon
BIGFOOT GOT FILTHY RICH TRADING CRYPTID CURRENCIES
November 26, 2025 at 1:38 AM
Reposted by John Lyon
I hope you pooped on company time today
November 25, 2025 at 10:49 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. *gets a lobotomy*
November 25, 2025 at 5:12 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
Im a fraud. I eat trail mix but never go on a trail. I drink Gatorade but no part of me is gator. I buy kind bars and throw them at people
November 13, 2025 at 1:55 AM
Reposted by John Lyon
Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater - remember to sort your recyclables!
November 25, 2025 at 1:11 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
I don't like the things you like, and I'm on the internet SPECIFICALLY to let you know that.
November 24, 2025 at 3:46 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
A turducken,

but it’s croissant, bear claw, cinnamon roll.
February 25, 2025 at 9:16 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
if i were a business genius, i would simply offer a good or service that people wanted at a price that was affordable yet profitable
November 24, 2025 at 11:20 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
entering my falling-to-pieces era
April 30, 2025 at 7:22 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
My wakeup alarm is anxiety-ridden dread.
November 25, 2025 at 2:04 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
just…I mean…what a terrible time to have eyes, literacy…[waves hands around vaguely]…consciousness
November 22, 2025 at 12:52 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
Is today your daughter's wedding? Hey, that's great. Anyway, I need you to kill a guy.
November 23, 2025 at 3:49 AM
Reposted by John Lyon
I’d love to like and share your Christmas posts, but am physically incapable of such action until December 10. 😘
November 25, 2025 at 4:17 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
This next one is called "4 AM Hairball Somewhere in the Dark."
November 25, 2025 at 10:56 AM
Reposted by John Lyon
If I'm being honest I stopped circling back like 5 years ago
November 25, 2025 at 11:35 PM
Reposted by John Lyon
Feeling seen (being left on read)
November 25, 2025 at 4:12 PM