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Lucifer @lucifers.bsky.social · 1d

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

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Theciscokidder @theciscokidder.bsky.social · 13h

[at stoplight]

*gets out of car, knocks on driver's window behind me after following me for 3 turns*

Me: Are you obsessed with me?

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Jack @wakeupangry.bsky.social · 13h

“That’s my little Octopussy.”

- Magda from “Octopussy” (1983)

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Danny @mardigroan.bsky.social · 11h

Feeling left out? Bathe in a tub filled with fermented apple juice to feel like a real in cider.

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andy vs. @im-all-id.me · 12h

When is addiction to outrage being added to the dsm

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John Lyon @johnlyon.bsky.social · 12h

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

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Kat Alderson 🎉 @klaybourne.bsky.social · 9h

me: I require a compliment

him: you’re not as mean as you used to be

me: *glares*

him:

me: *glares harder*

him: what I meant was you’re even meaner than you used to be

me: *beams*

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Charlie Alzamora @chalza.bsky.social · 13h

Mr. Peanut was recently diagnosed with osteoporosis. Now he's Mr. Peanut Brittle.

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BooSlice👻🔪 @twosense.bsky.social · 14h

Sometimes when I get in the bath I’m like woah this is slippery Mac n cheese

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Cackling O'Brien, Chief Witch-gineer 🔵 @radobrien.myatproto.social · 22h

"I chose this form to be more frightening" the angel said. "I really wanted to freak you out."

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Salty MacTavish @saltymactavish.bsky.social · 13h

His beard was like a temper tantrum. Her breath was better than her playlist. They made love in the Kohl’s parking lot.

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Ygrene @ygrene.bsky.social · 14h

BREAKING: living under the current administration is now classified as a chronic health condition. additionally, healthcare for that chronic condition is not allowed under the current administration

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Wilbur72 @wilboo72.bsky.social · 14h

I’m just out here trying to be the best butthole I can be.

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Charlie Alzamora @chalza.bsky.social · 14h

I bought a Stradivarius for practically nothing without asking first if there were strings attached.

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kattsdogma.bsky.social @kattsdogma.bsky.social · 1d

🎵you got blood on your face, you’re a big disgrace.
waving your banner all over the place,

graphic says WE WILL OVERPAY YOU which is sung to Queen’s We Will Rock You bc idk why not 🤡

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Jimmer Cork-Bottle @jimmerthatisall.bsky.social · 16h

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do scrapbooking.

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Eric Replatformed @21stcenturyeric.bsky.social · 23h

Constipation is a very real problem, I shit you naught.

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✨💕Happy💕✨ @princessofbluesky.bsky.social · 17h

I hear that the real Nightmare Before Christmas is working in retail. My heart goes out to those affected.

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Eric Replatformed @21stcenturyeric.bsky.social · 20h

I am into cross dressing, if that means irately putting on pants to leave the house for the first time in three days.

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Jake_Vig @jakevig.bsky.social · 21h

Nice to see that they gave the Nobel Prize to the girlfriend of the founder of Antifa. She earned it.

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Humor For Resistance @funnysnarkyjoke.bsky.social · 21h

@JulianKiani

I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into into a store and take whatever I want.

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andy vs. @im-all-id.me · 20h

Who needs sex when you have cool ranch doritos?

Therapist: *scribbling furiously*

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sweetie π @sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social · 19h

i’m so relieved he didn’t win the nobel prize otherwise i’d have had to throw mine away

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Missing The Point @missingthept.bsky.social · 23h

Breaking: Bad Bunny invites the Portland Frog to be one of the dancers at his Super Bowl halftime show.

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Jason Goes to Hell @benedictsred.bsky.social · 19h

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism

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