𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
@qwertying.bsky.social
I write jokes people, not to be taken seriously. I administer involuntary nasal exorcisms.
♥️ My wife: @skedaddle74.bsky.social
🎉 My bangers: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:zlxnj6iqvkdlmoj6npjt2l4o/feed/aaaemekfmmumo
🚫Crypto 🚫Onlyfan 🚫Porn 🚫DM=Block
♥️ My wife: @skedaddle74.bsky.social
🎉 My bangers: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:zlxnj6iqvkdlmoj6npjt2l4o/feed/aaaemekfmmumo
🚫Crypto 🚫Onlyfan 🚫Porn 🚫DM=Block
Pinned
𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
@qwertying.bsky.social
· Jun 9
The universe is balanced. For every *‘live, laugh, love’* person, there’s someone like me muttering *‘die motherfucker’* into their coffee.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
Your money and what you're gonna buy is the most boring topic ever. Stop it right now!
November 26, 2025 at 5:06 AM
Your money and what you're gonna buy is the most boring topic ever. Stop it right now!
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
Me as a therapist:
Have you tried tossing a toaster in your bath about it
Have you tried tossing a toaster in your bath about it
November 26, 2025 at 5:54 AM
Me as a therapist:
Have you tried tossing a toaster in your bath about it
Have you tried tossing a toaster in your bath about it
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
Guys my prepper friends made me buy an “emergency escape pack,” like seed backpack, prepper stuff. Anyway luckily it comes with 44 pounds of Semtex and long story short I blew a bridge.
November 26, 2025 at 6:03 AM
Guys my prepper friends made me buy an “emergency escape pack,” like seed backpack, prepper stuff. Anyway luckily it comes with 44 pounds of Semtex and long story short I blew a bridge.
My wife just gave me a sultry look from across the room and slowly, deliberately, licked her ice cream cone.
I watched intently until she polished it off. She said, "You owe me a new one. That was yours."
I watched intently until she polished it off. She said, "You owe me a new one. That was yours."
November 26, 2025 at 6:03 AM
My wife just gave me a sultry look from across the room and slowly, deliberately, licked her ice cream cone.
I watched intently until she polished it off. She said, "You owe me a new one. That was yours."
I watched intently until she polished it off. She said, "You owe me a new one. That was yours."
My wife just tied a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue. Then she used it to fix the pull-chain on the ceiling fan.
Her flexibility is admirable.
Her flexibility is admirable.
November 26, 2025 at 5:57 AM
My wife just tied a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue. Then she used it to fix the pull-chain on the ceiling fan.
Her flexibility is admirable.
Her flexibility is admirable.
My wife just "accidentally" bought a ball gag. She says it's for when I try to talk about my fantasy football team.
November 26, 2025 at 5:53 AM
My wife just "accidentally" bought a ball gag. She says it's for when I try to talk about my fantasy football team.
The secret to a happy marriage is a wife who knows how to keep things spicy. For instance, she just sewed all my pants pockets shut.
November 26, 2025 at 5:52 AM
The secret to a happy marriage is a wife who knows how to keep things spicy. For instance, she just sewed all my pants pockets shut.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
A spittoon and a singing bowl walk into a dark den of deep meditation. Zen says is none of you lost. Singing bowl spits out a mallet and spittoon says see I told you, if you got me hammered they would not be able to tell us apart, that was my cowboy
November 26, 2025 at 5:39 AM
A spittoon and a singing bowl walk into a dark den of deep meditation. Zen says is none of you lost. Singing bowl spits out a mallet and spittoon says see I told you, if you got me hammered they would not be able to tell us apart, that was my cowboy
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
People surprised at RFK Jr's appeal don't realise how fashionable distressed leather is in some circles.
November 26, 2025 at 5:25 AM
People surprised at RFK Jr's appeal don't realise how fashionable distressed leather is in some circles.
I had a brilliant suggestion to replace my neighbour's prized garden gnome with a realistic statue of a gargoyle flipping the bird.
They still haven’t noticed.
They still haven’t noticed.
November 26, 2025 at 5:40 AM
I had a brilliant suggestion to replace my neighbour's prized garden gnome with a realistic statue of a gargoyle flipping the bird.
They still haven’t noticed.
They still haven’t noticed.
I proposed to my wife that we find out whether a supermarket's pyramid of soup cans is as structurally sound as it looks. After being banned from that grocery store we found out the cops will make you restock it.
November 26, 2025 at 5:38 AM
I proposed to my wife that we find out whether a supermarket's pyramid of soup cans is as structurally sound as it looks. After being banned from that grocery store we found out the cops will make you restock it.
During a solemn moment of silence, I’ll desperately try to convince my face that this is the perfect time to practice yodeling.
November 26, 2025 at 5:28 AM
During a solemn moment of silence, I’ll desperately try to convince my face that this is the perfect time to practice yodeling.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
I hope you pooped on company time today
November 25, 2025 at 10:49 PM
I hope you pooped on company time today
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
Some of my best posts are just the gummies talking
November 25, 2025 at 10:57 PM
Some of my best posts are just the gummies talking
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
[wakes from a coma to see everyone wearing flares, travelling on roller skates and listening to the Bee Gees] Omg, the future is discopian!
November 25, 2025 at 8:06 PM
[wakes from a coma to see everyone wearing flares, travelling on roller skates and listening to the Bee Gees] Omg, the future is discopian!
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
a sneeze so violent i'm stricken with mittelschmerz
November 25, 2025 at 8:13 PM
a sneeze so violent i'm stricken with mittelschmerz
I just had a brilliant idea, then noticed a squirrel outside, and now my idea is gone and I'm pretty sure that squirrel stole my nuts.
November 25, 2025 at 8:24 PM
I just had a brilliant idea, then noticed a squirrel outside, and now my idea is gone and I'm pretty sure that squirrel stole my nuts.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
OnlyFans but it’s just me minding my own business.
November 24, 2025 at 5:13 PM
OnlyFans but it’s just me minding my own business.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
Hot singles in your area but it’s just me unwrapping cheese slices.
November 24, 2025 at 10:24 PM
Hot singles in your area but it’s just me unwrapping cheese slices.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
A bukkake but it’s just me covered in melted cheese.
November 25, 2025 at 2:11 PM
A bukkake but it’s just me covered in melted cheese.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
What’s a little tickle fighting between friends?
November 25, 2025 at 6:30 PM
What’s a little tickle fighting between friends?
Reposted by 𝕋𝕚𝕞 🇨🇦
“Fuck, Marry, Kill.”
-A memoir.
-A memoir.
November 25, 2025 at 7:30 PM
“Fuck, Marry, Kill.”
-A memoir.
-A memoir.
My focus is like a mosquito in a nudist colony:
I know exactly what to do, I don't know where I am and I think I’m in someone’s privates.
I know exactly what to do, I don't know where I am and I think I’m in someone’s privates.
November 25, 2025 at 7:56 PM
My focus is like a mosquito in a nudist colony:
I know exactly what to do, I don't know where I am and I think I’m in someone’s privates.
I know exactly what to do, I don't know where I am and I think I’m in someone’s privates.
My internal monologue is less of a monologue and more of a group chat where everyone has their own opinions what to accomplish this week. The loudest voice always says, “do nothing.”
November 25, 2025 at 7:50 PM
My internal monologue is less of a monologue and more of a group chat where everyone has their own opinions what to accomplish this week. The loudest voice always says, “do nothing.”
I have so many simultaneous thoughts that my brain's spinning icon has a spinning icon.
November 25, 2025 at 7:48 PM
I have so many simultaneous thoughts that my brain's spinning icon has a spinning icon.