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Candy Elliott

@sixfootcandy.bsky.social

5.9K followers 880 following 600 posts

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · Mar 5

My husband was annoyed after spending $65 on two burgers and fries, so I said, “Bet yours could blow these away.” His eyes lit up. “Really? I’ll make some tomorrow!”

Two days later, I did the same with pasta.

And that’s how I Jedi mind-tricked my husband into becoming our chef.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 14h

A woman said Taylor Swift stopped being a good role model because of her Life of a Showgirl outfits. I asked if she wears a swimsuit in public. She said yes. I said, “Well, I guess you’re a bad influence too.” Ok, bye 👋

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 1d

It’s 85 degrees in October. LA’s pretending it’s fall while my thighs are sticking to my leather seats like it’s July.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 3d

My husband is translating Bad Bunny lyrics so I actually know what I’m butchering in Spanish at the Super Bowl. I married my own closed captions.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 3d

One day you’re young and reckless. The next, you’re looking forward to soup season.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 7d

Truth 😂😂😂

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 7d

I got food poisoning from lettuce. Junk food never betrayed me like this.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 7d

Food poisoning doesn’t care about your plans, your sleep, or your will to live.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 8d

My favorite part of aging is discovering which new food will betray me each week.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 9d

The real secret to a lasting marriage? Never be in a bad mood on the same day. Rotate your emotional meltdowns like responsible adults.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 11d

Nothing feels more aggressive than someone cheerfully saying “Happy Monday!” before 8am.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 12d

Rich or broke, if you’re not kind, you’re poor.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 14d

Doctor: Read the chart for me.

Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?

Doctor: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 15d

Shaving is a spring and summer sport. In fall I’m strictly in the off-season.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 17d

Apparently the rapture rescheduled.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 18d

Not to brag, but I can pronounce acetaminophen on the first try.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 18d

Every couple has one person who loads the dishwasher like a Tetris master and one who just… tosses things in and hopes for the best.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 21d

Every wedding reception has one drunk guy who thinks the worm is still impressive.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 23d

My specialty is overthinking a text for 18 minutes before sending back, “lol yeah.”

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 25d

My husband loves it when he orders fries, I say I don’t want any, and then I swoop in on his like a seagull at the beach.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 28d

Wild concept: you can like Taylor Swift and also like rock, rap, jazz, metal, or whatever else. Enjoying one artist doesn’t disqualify you from liking everything else too.

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Reposted by Candy Elliott

inkedupandsonic @sonictyrant.bsky.social · 29d

My emotional support banana just split

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 29d

Me: *trying to plug in my phone and missing the outlet for the 10th time*

My husband: Natural selection at work.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · Sep 10

Marriage is just two professional idiots sharing a roof and pretending we know what we’re doing.

Check out my latest story on Medium.

medium.com/@CandyElliot...

Two Professional Idiots Under One Roof.

Marriage, observed in its natural habitat.

medium.com

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · Sep 10

Two things I learned yesterday: I’m not too old to sit in a beanbag chair, but I’m too old to get out of one.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · Sep 8

My husband doesn’t like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, so now it’s track three on every Spotify playlist he has.

In marriage, it’s the little victories.

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