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John Lyon

@johnlyon.bsky.social

2.9K followers 660 following 270 posts

Opinions expressed here are not the opinions of my employer. They are the opinions of Elvis Presley as relayed to me telepathically by the inhabitants of Venus. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:nvcwxxjti7dvgqovf2rrml2c/feed/aaaj5zycfldqi

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John Lyon @johnlyon.bsky.social · 16d

My cat got into the booth with me while I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · 1h

“Supercuts?”
“How’d ya know?”

A person sits on a fence holding a container of food, looking back at a dark-colored alpaca. They and the alpaca sport similar haircuts.

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sısıɹɔ˙ʎʇıʇuǝpı @identityxcrisis.bsky.social · 21h

Hot Cursed Tarot Decks In Your Area Want To Stalk You!

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John Lyon @johnlyon.bsky.social · 2h

Thanks, Danny!

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Micro @microlitigator.bsky.social · Jan 16

I is best spy, very smol, no one knows I am here.

Picture of very gloomy cat half hidden by monitor.

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John Lyon @johnlyon.bsky.social · 3h

Thanks, Sean!

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Sean D. Sollé @sd.solle.uk · 1d

"I hear Archimedes is trying to move the Earth"

"Cantilever?"

"Only when he's inclined to".

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GᵣₐbₜₕₑWₑₙₑₛₛ @ayankdownunder.bsky.social · 4h

*gently weeping*

It's just that we barely talk about Cracker Barrel anymore.

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RXSarsparilla🎉 @gypsymoon1969.bsky.social · 2d

If I put enough hot sauce in this blue cheese dressing that expired in August, I think I'll be fine.

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Danny @mardigroan.bsky.social · 11h

Oh, you mean fall as in autumn, not as in "of civilization."

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Robert Knop @fatherwithtwins.bsky.social · Aug 2

Sometimes I think I’m a bad parent, but then I remember I’ve taught my kids the important things in life - like pineapple on pizza is evil and just wrong.

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Theciscokidder @theciscokidder.bsky.social · Aug 19

I tried to quit alcohol but it was ruining my marriage.

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Marloween @marlebean.bsky.social · 6d

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

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Cosmic Clau @cosmicclau.bsky.social · 2d

the work week starting on a tuesday is probably as good as it's gonna get so i'll take it but there will be no smiles cracked or celebratory small talk

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Roxy @laboxalaroxa.bsky.social · 4h

Are you mad at me?
□ yes
□ yes

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bloody bacon popsicle 🤥 @gupton68.bsky.social · 14h

I'd say I’m pleased to meet you but we both know that I would be lying.

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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · 13h

on the next episode of copse

Two police officers stop a person disguised as a tree on a pedestrian crosswalk.

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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · 8h

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

A squirrel stands next to a partially-chewed pumpkin on a stoop.

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Jimmer Cork-Bottle @jimmerthatisall.bsky.social · 18h

I'm as much to blame as you are, I said, because what's one more lie.

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Brick's 𝕳𝖆𝖚𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖉 House 🍁🎃 @brickmahoney.bsky.social · 7h

"For my wellness journey" I murmur as I pour a 2lb bag of M&Ms over my face

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Jimmer Cork-Bottle @jimmerthatisall.bsky.social · 7h

Thank you for your kind of words.

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𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 @unfitz.bsky.social · 11h

My ancestors were good Danes.

No, they were GREAT Danes.

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John Lyon @johnlyon.bsky.social · 4h

Me: Is there something I could do differently to improve my sleep?

Doctor: I recommend not looking at your phone for at least an hour before bed.

Me: So nothing then.

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Midge @midge.bsky.social · 1d

Rider down, I repeat rider down

Photo of a broom that lies riderless in the road

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sısıɹɔ˙ʎʇıʇuǝpı @identityxcrisis.bsky.social · 2d

Find a penny, pick it up, and then when someone honks their horn and startles you, drop it again, and all the day you'll be extra jumpy.

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Daisy @daisy91.bsky.social · 2d

Might create an alt just to pretend like I have a boyfriend.

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