Marl
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marlebean.bsky.social
Marl
@marlebean.bsky.social
If you innocently act like you don't know, people will explain dirty words to you and it's hilarious.
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:7ehz6ygwahh2y3lgk7dq3xs2/feed/aaacgqxvtud72
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*Looks in mirror*

I hope everyone I meet today is visually impaired.
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[basting the turkey]

Everything reminds me of him
November 25, 2025 at 2:42 PM
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Google Maps: object on road ahead

Me: uh, yeah, they're called cars, jeez
November 24, 2025 at 11:58 PM
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Some nights I throw all of my coats on the bed in the guest room so it looks like I’m having a big party.
November 25, 2025 at 12:32 AM
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(me, who never even leaves the house) i could be a space pirate
November 25, 2025 at 1:10 AM
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The football should give the players a little shock to defend itself
November 23, 2025 at 10:36 PM
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The test subjects in the beta project today were labelled "testees" and my inner 13 year old absolutely frolicked
November 24, 2025 at 9:58 PM
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it’s all downhill once you get bumped up from the kid’s table at thanksgiving
November 24, 2025 at 2:53 PM
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“Great, now I have to pee.”
November 24, 2025 at 6:07 PM
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*Foo Fighters song comes on the car radio*

Her: I can’t believe they’re playing this on the oldies station.

Me: This is a classic rock station.

Her: Same thing.

Me: *stops car* Get out.
November 24, 2025 at 11:36 PM
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having a wood chipper would be fun
November 23, 2025 at 3:32 PM
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I’m great at flirting but only with the Costco lady handing out probiotic samples and only for two lines
November 25, 2025 at 1:38 AM
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If I was a witch, I'd curse you to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
November 27, 2024 at 2:50 AM
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Oh you love Thanksgiving?

Name every disease the settlers gave the natives.
November 27, 2024 at 3:44 PM
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why does the most awkward person in every sitcom seem to be based on someone like me
November 22, 2025 at 1:38 PM
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Woke up 2 hours before my alarm and couldn't get back to sleep so I get it serial killers
November 19, 2025 at 11:04 AM
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If a woman looks sad, tell her, "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
November 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
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Where did you get that avi taken? The dmv?
October 13, 2025 at 12:06 AM
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This time of year when you rage against the machine chances are that machine is a neighbor's noisy leaf blower.
November 19, 2025 at 3:31 PM
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$5 to whoever finds the pouch of little magnets I bought the other day
November 15, 2025 at 12:39 AM
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All I'm saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
November 20, 2025 at 10:14 PM
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Imagine being able to find something in the first drawer you try.
November 20, 2025 at 10:22 PM
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string cheese is just cheese hair, hair that is now inside you, it’s a part of you
November 20, 2025 at 11:42 PM
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*gets insulted* wow wait till I google what that means.
November 21, 2025 at 12:02 AM
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So what exactly happens when you reach the 19th hour and you're wearing an eighteen hour bra?
November 21, 2025 at 12:52 AM
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When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s assault with intent to cause bodily harm.
November 21, 2025 at 12:57 AM