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Ryan, Perdido en TX

@ryanlostintx.bsky.social

2.4K followers 460 following 4.4K posts

I’m just happy to be here.

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Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · Jun 21

When you spend 30 minutes looking at the menu and finally agree to split the combo fajitas dinner for two.

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Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 6m

A recurring nightmare I’ve had for a long time is that instead of millions of tiny sperm being ejaculated when you orgasm, it’s just one huge sperm that comes out of your dick and just starts flopping around like a catfish out of water. Anyway, have a good afternoon.

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 8m

When I first met my mother in law I was like woah is this Diane Keaton.

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 46m

Always was a huge fan of Diane Keaton. Sad news.

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 47m

Love the pettiness.

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Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 1h

I strive to be as cool as the dude in his mid-50’s decked out in Jos A Bank casual wear riding a BMW touring motorcycle just blaring Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love on the bike’s soundsystem.

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 19h

The lady who runs a company that frequents my shop and sounds exactly like my mom that causes me to repeatedly end business conversations by accidentally saying “I love you” just friended me on FB.

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 2d

If the Astros were still in the playoffs I would be so fucking stressed about how they’d do I’d be completely worthless. Luckily I don’t have to have that distraction from my shit ass fucking life that I hate because the team I love that makes me feel good sucked ass this year.

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Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 2d

Trust me, I’m a pro.

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 2d

Utilize the emergency tortilla, place an extra tortilla down on your plate to catch any of the debris that falls from the tacos you're eating so you end up with a bonus taco at the end.

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 3d

Some salchichas with onions and peppers, refried beans, and eggs on a flour tortilla with some fire salsa verde would absolutely slam right about now if I can be honest here.

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Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 2d

I mean yeah that’s how i coined the term.

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 2d

I need @lauren.rotatingsandwiches.com to kinda authorize this as a thing.

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 2d

This is a baseball concept I came up with.

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Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 2d

For the most part, the Grand Strand is when you load the bases with no outs and then proceed to score zero runs in the inning while the bases are still loaded. However, the Grand Strand can pertain to a one or two out situation in a crucial game where the bases are left loaded.

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Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 2d

When the fifth shot of tequila hits the wrong spot.

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 2d

Kuykendahl.

Merriam-Webster @merriam-webster.com · 2d

What’s the word where you’re from that, when pronounced exactly as it looks, identifies a tourist immediately?

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Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 2d

“I have a girlfriend but she’s in antifa so you wouldn’t know her” is the new “yeah I have a girlfriend but she lives in Canada.”

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 2d

Yeah I got in trouble for sending a link from there to the VP of sales like my third week into working here 15 years ago lmao.

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Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 3d

I love it when I try to guide someone in the right direction when they’re trying to find something and they follow up by asking me for more information that easily accessible on Google leading me to respond, “sure, let me go ahead and google that for you.”

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Reposted by Ryan, Perdido en TX

Bronze Age Babies @bronzeagebabies.bsky.social · 3d

This here’s a man of the people.

Former Cubs pitcher Lee Smith on why he always walked so slowly out of the bullpen when he was called - he heard the grounds crew got time and a half of the game stretched past 4:30 pm.

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Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 3d

I hope I never have to be rescued from the summit of Mt. Everest.

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Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 3d

Some salchichas with onions and peppers, refried beans, and eggs on a flour tortilla with some fire salsa verde would absolutely slam right about now if I can be honest here.

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Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 3d

At the end of the day, one of those fat bastards is going to kick door my house at 3am and spray me in the face with mace before shooting me in the face with 12 gauge buckshot and kidnapping my wife. And what will I have gained from it? I made a few jokes that got some laughs.

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 3d

When the bidet was set on high but I thought it was set to low.

a woman is smiling in front of a door with omegle.com in the background

ALT: a woman is smiling in front of a door with omegle.com in the background

media.tenor.com

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 4d

Poe

Ryan, Perdido en TX @ryanlostintx.bsky.social · 5d

Turned out okay.

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