Todd Lunch
@toddlunch.bsky.social
Father was a harsh man.Tough disciplinarian. Once, he caught me smoking cigarettes. As punishment he locked me in a cupboard, & wouldn't let me out until I'd eaten the entire contents of Knowsley Safari Park. Including the gift shop. He never told me why.
That's the last time I book with Lunn Poly. That terrorist training camp was nothing like in the brochure.
January 29, 2026 at 12:33 PM
That's the last time I book with Lunn Poly. That terrorist training camp was nothing like in the brochure.
Pornithology
A bird watcher is just a peeping tom with an avian fixation.
January 29, 2026 at 1:19 AM
Pornithology
To whoever has sent me a message, I can't read it as I've not verified. If you can send me a standard post, we can sort another form of contact. Ta
January 28, 2026 at 11:45 PM
To whoever has sent me a message, I can't read it as I've not verified. If you can send me a standard post, we can sort another form of contact. Ta
What if real life bishops could only move diagonally?
January 28, 2026 at 11:34 PM
What if real life bishops could only move diagonally?
I've developed an AI app that allows you to watch movies and TV with all the jeopardy, setbacks and peril edited out.
January 28, 2026 at 10:04 PM
I've developed an AI app that allows you to watch movies and TV with all the jeopardy, setbacks and peril edited out.
The Melania fim - when it ended, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Or any eyes at all.
January 28, 2026 at 7:47 PM
The Melania fim - when it ended, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Or any eyes at all.
The name's Bund. Mori Bund.
January 27, 2026 at 7:59 PM
The name's Bund. Mori Bund.
Greg Bovino has succumbed to a mysterious disease whilst crashing his car out of a window.
January 27, 2026 at 1:29 AM
Greg Bovino has succumbed to a mysterious disease whilst crashing his car out of a window.
You lot can be chuffed with that point, but I'm borderline livid. Points dropped in yet another game we should've won. Daniel needs tapping with a tiny hammer to check his reflexes.
January 26, 2026 at 10:03 PM
You lot can be chuffed with that point, but I'm borderline livid. Points dropped in yet another game we should've won. Daniel needs tapping with a tiny hammer to check his reflexes.
PSA: Your tedious Yorkshire t' gags don't make sense. We don't use it that way.
January 26, 2026 at 4:39 PM
PSA: Your tedious Yorkshire t' gags don't make sense. We don't use it that way.
'Affectionately known as Brucie, the aging entertainer set his sights on a career in mixed martial arts, under the ring name Brute Forceyth.'
(Excerpt from 'Nice To Fight You: Brucie Encaged')
(Excerpt from 'Nice To Fight You: Brucie Encaged')
January 26, 2026 at 4:01 PM
'Affectionately known as Brucie, the aging entertainer set his sights on a career in mixed martial arts, under the ring name Brute Forceyth.'
(Excerpt from 'Nice To Fight You: Brucie Encaged')
(Excerpt from 'Nice To Fight You: Brucie Encaged')
POSTCARDS FROM THE PAST
We went to the 'Darts & Doms' night at the local pub, but it turned out to be an S&M event. Grandad insisted on staying.
We went to the 'Darts & Doms' night at the local pub, but it turned out to be an S&M event. Grandad insisted on staying.
January 25, 2026 at 8:41 PM
POSTCARDS FROM THE PAST
We went to the 'Darts & Doms' night at the local pub, but it turned out to be an S&M event. Grandad insisted on staying.
We went to the 'Darts & Doms' night at the local pub, but it turned out to be an S&M event. Grandad insisted on staying.
This is the worst Premier League season I can remember, in terms of quality. That arguably makes it more interesting I suppose, but you've got teams occupying the European spots that have been utterly dog shit for most of the season.
January 25, 2026 at 5:52 PM
This is the worst Premier League season I can remember, in terms of quality. That arguably makes it more interesting I suppose, but you've got teams occupying the European spots that have been utterly dog shit for most of the season.
OTD in 1987:
The Madison Square heavyweight title bout between Elgar and The National Lottery. It remains one of the most talked about sporting events in history.
The Madison Square heavyweight title bout between Elgar and The National Lottery. It remains one of the most talked about sporting events in history.
January 25, 2026 at 4:13 PM
OTD in 1987:
The Madison Square heavyweight title bout between Elgar and The National Lottery. It remains one of the most talked about sporting events in history.
The Madison Square heavyweight title bout between Elgar and The National Lottery. It remains one of the most talked about sporting events in history.
Valencia are three points off 8th, after starting the day one point ahead of 18th.
January 24, 2026 at 5:17 PM
Valencia are three points off 8th, after starting the day one point ahead of 18th.
Mr Thompson says I shouldn't pull a gun on the customers, but he's wrong and living in the past.
January 23, 2026 at 7:48 PM
Mr Thompson says I shouldn't pull a gun on the customers, but he's wrong and living in the past.
Occasionally I find myself thinking about the 'Dinosaur Jellies' sweets Safeway used to sell, that for some reason had a picture of a dog in a safari suit on the packaging.
January 22, 2026 at 8:37 PM
Occasionally I find myself thinking about the 'Dinosaur Jellies' sweets Safeway used to sell, that for some reason had a picture of a dog in a safari suit on the packaging.
I keep gnawing through my electronic ankle tag, so the police are making me wear one of those head cones.
January 22, 2026 at 7:14 PM
I keep gnawing through my electronic ankle tag, so the police are making me wear one of those head cones.
Bit of personal news....
Faber & Faber have opted not to publish my children's book about a pair of talking dungarees with neurosyphilis. Big thanks to the various medical staff and couturiers who assisted in the research, but it was not to be.
Faber & Faber have opted not to publish my children's book about a pair of talking dungarees with neurosyphilis. Big thanks to the various medical staff and couturiers who assisted in the research, but it was not to be.
January 22, 2026 at 9:10 AM
Bit of personal news....
Faber & Faber have opted not to publish my children's book about a pair of talking dungarees with neurosyphilis. Big thanks to the various medical staff and couturiers who assisted in the research, but it was not to be.
Faber & Faber have opted not to publish my children's book about a pair of talking dungarees with neurosyphilis. Big thanks to the various medical staff and couturiers who assisted in the research, but it was not to be.
B-Sides?
Netflix videos could be about to turn the other way up
Netflix videos could be about to turn the other way up
Netflix videos could be about to turn the other way up
www.independent.co.uk
January 21, 2026 at 11:10 PM
B-Sides?
There once was a man from Calcutta,
Who found fifty pence in the gutter,
But when he bent down
It was only half a crown,
Coffee morning 9 til 11 am in main hall.
Who found fifty pence in the gutter,
But when he bent down
It was only half a crown,
Coffee morning 9 til 11 am in main hall.
January 21, 2026 at 10:23 PM
There once was a man from Calcutta,
Who found fifty pence in the gutter,
But when he bent down
It was only half a crown,
Coffee morning 9 til 11 am in main hall.
Who found fifty pence in the gutter,
But when he bent down
It was only half a crown,
Coffee morning 9 til 11 am in main hall.
Speaking of tennis, it should be more like pro wrestling, so you'd have Tim Henman* with entrance music/wearing cape; one of the 'baddies' like Boris Becker* distracting the umpire so Agassi* can get away with a double fault; chair attacks etc.
*replace with current player if no longer tennis star
*replace with current player if no longer tennis star
January 21, 2026 at 7:38 PM
Speaking of tennis, it should be more like pro wrestling, so you'd have Tim Henman* with entrance music/wearing cape; one of the 'baddies' like Boris Becker* distracting the umpire so Agassi* can get away with a double fault; chair attacks etc.
*replace with current player if no longer tennis star
*replace with current player if no longer tennis star
Decapod Crane and the headless seahorseman. Is that anything?
January 21, 2026 at 3:48 PM
Decapod Crane and the headless seahorseman. Is that anything?
The mother's dog on a walk:
"I am so fucking excited I don't care where we're going as long as we're going there fast. *sniffs one thing* I have had enough I insist we return home IMMEDIATELY. "
"I am so fucking excited I don't care where we're going as long as we're going there fast. *sniffs one thing* I have had enough I insist we return home IMMEDIATELY. "
January 20, 2026 at 6:22 PM
The mother's dog on a walk:
"I am so fucking excited I don't care where we're going as long as we're going there fast. *sniffs one thing* I have had enough I insist we return home IMMEDIATELY. "
"I am so fucking excited I don't care where we're going as long as we're going there fast. *sniffs one thing* I have had enough I insist we return home IMMEDIATELY. "