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[Big Scream]

@turdfartlet.bsky.social

550 followers 81 following 2.5K posts

Please be nice to me

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · Aug 17

Her: What's your dream date?
Me: You chase me around with a broom then cover me with delicious garbage.
Her: What?
Me: Uhhhh
Raccoon wingman in my ear: C'mon buddy you're losing her!!

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 29m

Anteater athletes get tested for Performance Enhancing Bugs.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 56m

*grunts and my homunculus falls out*

Reposted by [Big Scream]

Django Wexler @djangowexler.bsky.social · 7h

My boss: so how's our fourth quarter looking?

Me, the sales manager at the company that makes inflatable frog suits: well, you're never going to believe this, but

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Reposted by [Big Scream]

Xavier Horatio Xinicit 🎉 @xinicit.bsky.social · 1d

Me: I like to think I thread the needle between catharsis and catatonic.

Her: Last night you wore a loin cloth to the dump and lost a fight with a rusted out Dodge minivan.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

Don't threaten me with a good time.
Please only threaten with bad times.

Reposted by [Big Scream]

☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️ @captantagonist.bsky.social · 1d

My old flame contacted me to tell me she followed her burning passion and became an arsonist.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

Her: Come here often?
Me: Not since they bought black lights, no.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

Kicked out of the casino after ruining 3 pairs of pants by playing my version of craps.

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

"How endeering!" I laugh, antlers ripping through my scalp, my fingers sloughing away revealing the hard black hooves beneath.

Reposted by [Big Scream]

FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud.bsky.social · 1d

[having 'the talk' with my teenage son] don't EVER call me bro

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

Me: *counting my chickens before they hatch* Hehe I'm definitely gonna have so many chickens!

Reposted by [Big Scream]

BAJA BLAST BLAINE @shrekromancer.gay · 2d

got fired from my job as a restaurant host because I was telling customers "park your flesh heap right over here" as I seated them

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Reposted by [Big Scream]

ceej @ceej.online · 1d

for a henchman, there’s nothing better after a long day of guarding a small chest than standing with your back to a field of waving grass just tall enough to hide a crouching human being

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

I bet Big Mouth Billy Bass gives crazy head

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 2d

Exactly!

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 2d

I would download the absolute fuck out of a car.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 3d

I have a very specific brand of humor (bad)

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 3d

Me: I'm a ranch guy
Date: That's cool i prefer bleu cheese
Me: *imagining hundreds of cattle trampling me to death* What the fuck is blue cheese?

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 3d

Speedrunning the last arrest of their lives (cardiac)

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 3d

Me: *being torn limb from limb by a bare* "Haha dude where are your fucken clothes???"
Bare: "Fuuuck off stop staring lol!!!"

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 3d

[Staring at the full moon and turning into several confused raccoons]

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 3d

Gums bleeding when you stare at the moon for more than 3 hours? Tough shit. My record is 5 hours but then all my teeth fell out.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 4d

A life-hack is that most living things really hate being hacked.

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 4d

Endorphins are so last season. Now it's all about exorphins trapped endlessly in a gravity well around my body, only settling to absorb through my skin if i shriek long enough

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 4d

Fucken lmao