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[Big Scream]

@turdfartlet.bsky.social

550 followers 81 following 2.5K posts

Please be nice to me

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · Aug 17

Her: What's your dream date?
Me: You chase me around with a broom then cover me with delicious garbage.
Her: What?
Me: Uhhhh
Raccoon wingman in my ear: C'mon buddy you're losing her!!

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 12h

Exactly!

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 23h

I would download the absolute fuck out of a car.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 23h

I have a very specific brand of humor (bad)

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

Me: I'm a ranch guy
Date: That's cool i prefer bleu cheese
Me: *imagining hundreds of cattle trampling me to death* What the fuck is blue cheese?

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

Speedrunning the last arrest of their lives (cardiac)

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

Me: *being torn limb from limb by a bare* "Haha dude where are your fucken clothes???"
Bare: "Fuuuck off stop staring lol!!!"

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

[Staring at the full moon and turning into several confused raccoons]

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

Gums bleeding when you stare at the moon for more than 3 hours? Tough shit. My record is 5 hours but then all my teeth fell out.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 2d

A life-hack is that most living things really hate being hacked.

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 2d

Endorphins are so last season. Now it's all about exorphins trapped endlessly in a gravity well around my body, only settling to absorb through my skin if i shriek long enough

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 2d

Fucken lmao

Reposted by [Big Scream]

weeder @weeder.bsky.social · 2d

So Hulk Hogan, why are you a great candidate for the Administrative Assistant position?

Hulk Hogan:

An app icon of a printer/scanner combo and the app name "brother iPrint&Scan"

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 2d

The chicken is raw? Heh. I see you're familiar with my speedrun strat.

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 2d

People are always selling dewormer, but what if I'm looking to score some high quality wormer? Papa needs his worms!!!

Reposted by [Big Scream]

Johnny Normality (Spooky Mode) @probgobl.in · 3d

Bad news team, they've decided to focus the destructive power of the Earth's sun into a single annhilative point directly onto my large tender ass.

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Reposted by [Big Scream]

Scream into Davoid @davoid.bsky.social · Aug 24

Me: I’d like to solve the puzzle

Pat Sajak: Go ahead

Me: I didn’t say I could

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 2d

[Flirting at bar]
Me: Hey angel face, what're you doing after this?
Thousand Eyed Seraphim: Heralding the apocalypse 🫦

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 2d

I don't even have time to use egg whites in my cocktails why the fuck do they think I'm gonna use them to shave my junk??

Reposted by [Big Scream]

andy vs. @im-all-id.me · 3d

Friend: I found your doppelganger

*shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 3d

Wanna feel old? The videogame console you grew up playing just went into assisted living.

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 4d

[ Out with the cuckold ]
[ In with the cucknew ]

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 4d

Honk If You're Horny!
Honk If You're Thorny!!
Honk If You're GORE KNEE!!!

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 4d

Everyone is familiar with going number 1 or 2, but only true toilet connoisseurs know the joy of taking a blistering number 5 after a month trapped in the Scream-Zone.

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 4d

Don't listen to people.
Piss into the wind.
Treat yourself.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 5d

[1st day of Equine Therapy School]
Professor: Hold your horses, everyone, we'll start soon.
Student: *scribbling notes* Hold. My. Horses.

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