I can't believe we have a Pope from Illinois. People from Chicago usually hate the Cardinals.

i'm going to boycott the nfl if they ever stop rigging the league in favor of my team

coffee isn’t going to cut it today i need to be pushed off a cliff.

In an alternate universe there’s only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with john travolta

i encourage you all to be more like my son. take in the beauty of your everyday surroundings. smile. take a nap without worrying about how it might disrupt your day. and every two or three hours, shit your pants as hard as you possibly can