Cow. Boy. Hat.
@alisso.bsky.social
Definitely picked a funeral director. Spoke on the phone last night and she came to visit us this morning. Did a bunch of paperwork and talked things through. She seemed very nice and offered me a hug before she left. They're a lot cheaper than the others for direct cremations, but not for funerals.
January 8, 2026 at 1:15 AM
Definitely picked a funeral director. Spoke on the phone last night and she came to visit us this morning. Did a bunch of paperwork and talked things through. She seemed very nice and offered me a hug before she left. They're a lot cheaper than the others for direct cremations, but not for funerals.
Last few nights I've been having real trouble getting to sleep. Even if I'm not actively being upset, I find myself just lying there staring into the darkness, which is not normal for me. Mum's decided it's because I'm not doing enough, so I should be getting up and doing things.
January 7, 2026 at 5:58 AM
Last few nights I've been having real trouble getting to sleep. Even if I'm not actively being upset, I find myself just lying there staring into the darkness, which is not normal for me. Mum's decided it's because I'm not doing enough, so I should be getting up and doing things.
May have picked a funeral director. Of the three I reached out to, two called me. One called three times till they got through to me and could tell me they can't do what I'm after. Another hasn't contacted me at all. The third called the first day, and again today, so I called them back.
January 7, 2026 at 5:48 AM
May have picked a funeral director. Of the three I reached out to, two called me. One called three times till they got through to me and could tell me they can't do what I'm after. Another hasn't contacted me at all. The third called the first day, and again today, so I called them back.
I'm basically over the cold I caught before going on leave. So it's deeply unfair that even now, I can't cry for long without starting to cough and choke. Woke mum up this time.
January 6, 2026 at 2:14 PM
I'm basically over the cold I caught before going on leave. So it's deeply unfair that even now, I can't cry for long without starting to cough and choke. Woke mum up this time.
Well that was interesting. The funeral directors that were going to call back finally did. That was their third call to get through to me. And they called in part to tell me that they have no experience in shipping ashes internationally, so I might be better off with one of the others. Unexpected.
January 5, 2026 at 3:58 AM
Well that was interesting. The funeral directors that were going to call back finally did. That was their third call to get through to me. And they called in part to tell me that they have no experience in shipping ashes internationally, so I might be better off with one of the others. Unexpected.
Work sent me flowers. Good thing we don't have a cat, because of course they included lilies.
Friends sent me a care package. Impressively, a box containing a terracotta item and a glass item arrived 100% intact.
Friends sent me a care package. Impressively, a box containing a terracotta item and a glass item arrived 100% intact.
January 5, 2026 at 3:34 AM
Work sent me flowers. Good thing we don't have a cat, because of course they included lilies.
Friends sent me a care package. Impressively, a box containing a terracotta item and a glass item arrived 100% intact.
Friends sent me a care package. Impressively, a box containing a terracotta item and a glass item arrived 100% intact.
For some reason I couldn't sleep last night. I went to bed late because I ate late because I'd been crying. But then I found myself just lying there, not sleeping. For hours. I ended up thinking a lot, but the thinking wasn't what kept me up. I just didn't feel sleepy.
January 5, 2026 at 2:51 AM
For some reason I couldn't sleep last night. I went to bed late because I ate late because I'd been crying. But then I found myself just lying there, not sleeping. For hours. I ended up thinking a lot, but the thinking wasn't what kept me up. I just didn't feel sleepy.
It's been a week.
Honestly, I think that's enough. I've given this timeline a fair trial and I don't want it. Hasn't been a great week for a lot of other people, either.
Honestly, I think that's enough. I've given this timeline a fair trial and I don't want it. Hasn't been a great week for a lot of other people, either.
January 4, 2026 at 9:24 AM
It's been a week.
Honestly, I think that's enough. I've given this timeline a fair trial and I don't want it. Hasn't been a great week for a lot of other people, either.
Honestly, I think that's enough. I've given this timeline a fair trial and I don't want it. Hasn't been a great week for a lot of other people, either.
Raq's mum has reached out to ask for some of their ashes. This adds complications to life, but also solves a problem. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. There's nowhere here that would feel appropriate to scatter them, and the local cemeteries felt kind of wrong.
January 3, 2026 at 5:25 AM
Raq's mum has reached out to ask for some of their ashes. This adds complications to life, but also solves a problem. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. There's nowhere here that would feel appropriate to scatter them, and the local cemeteries felt kind of wrong.
Coroner called back. They're giving a death certificate of natural causes, with complications of Raq's weight and the FND. I asked if they had more details about what had actually happened, but they didn't.
January 2, 2026 at 2:37 AM
Coroner called back. They're giving a death certificate of natural causes, with complications of Raq's weight and the FND. I asked if they had more details about what had actually happened, but they didn't.
Still struggling to eat. Yesterday I tried to eat my usual breakfast, but it was old and dry and I couldn't finish it. Mum had bought some prawns, and fresh bread, and I managed a prawn roll last night. Today I've had a croissant that she bought yesterday.
January 1, 2026 at 8:47 AM
Still struggling to eat. Yesterday I tried to eat my usual breakfast, but it was old and dry and I couldn't finish it. Mum had bought some prawns, and fresh bread, and I managed a prawn roll last night. Today I've had a croissant that she bought yesterday.
Someone from the coroner rang this morning, but I was asleep. Tried calling back but I think she's at lunch, and her message bank is full. I'm going to try again after 1pm, and I really hope she answers. I don't like this state of limbo.
December 31, 2025 at 1:53 AM
Someone from the coroner rang this morning, but I was asleep. Tried calling back but I think she's at lunch, and her message bank is full. I'm going to try again after 1pm, and I really hope she answers. I don't like this state of limbo.
Tonight, grief feels like anxiety. I can't pin down why. There's no anxious thoughts attached to the feeling, just the sense of something to be worried about. Hope it doesn't make it too hard to sleep...
December 30, 2025 at 1:30 PM
Tonight, grief feels like anxiety. I can't pin down why. There's no anxious thoughts attached to the feeling, just the sense of something to be worried about. Hope it doesn't make it too hard to sleep...
I'm already at the stage where technically unimportant things are upsetting me.
Raq will never see the end of Stranger Things. We hadn't gotten around to watching Wake Up Dead Man. They hadn't done patch 7.4 in FFXIV, and they won't get to play the new expansion when it comes out.
Raq will never see the end of Stranger Things. We hadn't gotten around to watching Wake Up Dead Man. They hadn't done patch 7.4 in FFXIV, and they won't get to play the new expansion when it comes out.
December 30, 2025 at 7:06 AM
I'm already at the stage where technically unimportant things are upsetting me.
Raq will never see the end of Stranger Things. We hadn't gotten around to watching Wake Up Dead Man. They hadn't done patch 7.4 in FFXIV, and they won't get to play the new expansion when it comes out.
Raq will never see the end of Stranger Things. We hadn't gotten around to watching Wake Up Dead Man. They hadn't done patch 7.4 in FFXIV, and they won't get to play the new expansion when it comes out.
How am I still sleepy after getting 9.5hrs last night? I keep almost nodding off...
December 30, 2025 at 2:43 AM
How am I still sleepy after getting 9.5hrs last night? I keep almost nodding off...
Went to bed about 10.30 last night. Was apparently asleep by 11. Didn't wake till around 7. Got up, went to the loo, did some stuff on my phone, resettled in bed, and slept from 9am till nearly 11. My watch tracked my sleep as excellent. I appreciated the unconsciousness.
December 30, 2025 at 12:39 AM
Went to bed about 10.30 last night. Was apparently asleep by 11. Didn't wake till around 7. Got up, went to the loo, did some stuff on my phone, resettled in bed, and slept from 9am till nearly 11. My watch tracked my sleep as excellent. I appreciated the unconsciousness.
Survived 24 hours without them.
Only managed to eat two slices of cinnamon toast today. Half the time I wasn't hungry, the rest I felt sick. Saw my brother, who told me I should call my work's ERP and have them put me in touch with a counsellor. Mum's been keeping an eye on me.
Only managed to eat two slices of cinnamon toast today. Half the time I wasn't hungry, the rest I felt sick. Saw my brother, who told me I should call my work's ERP and have them put me in touch with a counsellor. Mum's been keeping an eye on me.
December 29, 2025 at 11:26 AM
Survived 24 hours without them.
Only managed to eat two slices of cinnamon toast today. Half the time I wasn't hungry, the rest I felt sick. Saw my brother, who told me I should call my work's ERP and have them put me in touch with a counsellor. Mum's been keeping an eye on me.
Only managed to eat two slices of cinnamon toast today. Half the time I wasn't hungry, the rest I felt sick. Saw my brother, who told me I should call my work's ERP and have them put me in touch with a counsellor. Mum's been keeping an eye on me.
I'm so tired, I want to nap, but my sciatic nerve means that lying down would be a bad idea, and trying to sleep upright is part of the reason I'm so tired.
Also, I'd have to move things and remake the bed and it all feels like too much.
Also, I'd have to move things and remake the bed and it all feels like too much.
December 29, 2025 at 2:40 AM
I'm so tired, I want to nap, but my sciatic nerve means that lying down would be a bad idea, and trying to sleep upright is part of the reason I'm so tired.
Also, I'd have to move things and remake the bed and it all feels like too much.
Also, I'd have to move things and remake the bed and it all feels like too much.
Raq passed away yesterday. It's come as a great shock - we had no reason to think they were at risk. We called the ambulance and the paramedics tried their best, but couldn't save them.
I think I've been mostly dissociating since. If I start crying, this stupid cold means I can't breath.
I think I've been mostly dissociating since. If I start crying, this stupid cold means I can't breath.
December 29, 2025 at 1:40 AM
Raq passed away yesterday. It's come as a great shock - we had no reason to think they were at risk. We called the ambulance and the paramedics tried their best, but couldn't save them.
I think I've been mostly dissociating since. If I start crying, this stupid cold means I can't breath.
I think I've been mostly dissociating since. If I start crying, this stupid cold means I can't breath.
The worst thing about the internet around Xmas is everyone talking about the cold while we're melting.
December 24, 2025 at 8:58 AM
The worst thing about the internet around Xmas is everyone talking about the cold while we're melting.
Back pain was merciful and let me sleep, but everything went horribly wrong when I woke early needing the loo. Naturally, everything had stiffened up 😭
Managed to get up and to the loo in time, but it was painful. And then, of course, I had to cough on and off for 45 min to try to clear my throat.
Managed to get up and to the loo in time, but it was painful. And then, of course, I had to cough on and off for 45 min to try to clear my throat.
December 24, 2025 at 5:43 AM
Back pain was merciful and let me sleep, but everything went horribly wrong when I woke early needing the loo. Naturally, everything had stiffened up 😭
Managed to get up and to the loo in time, but it was painful. And then, of course, I had to cough on and off for 45 min to try to clear my throat.
Managed to get up and to the loo in time, but it was painful. And then, of course, I had to cough on and off for 45 min to try to clear my throat.
...I really did not need to add "upset my sciatic nerve two days before Xmas" to the list of holiday activities 🤦🏼♀️
December 23, 2025 at 8:57 AM
...I really did not need to add "upset my sciatic nerve two days before Xmas" to the list of holiday activities 🤦🏼♀️
Why can't I ever explain myself without being told I'm "making excuses". I'm not! I'm giving reasons!
I've spent the vast majority of my life being told off for making excuses when all along, I had a very good excuse, we just didn't know it - I had adhd. It explains most of my existence!
I've spent the vast majority of my life being told off for making excuses when all along, I had a very good excuse, we just didn't know it - I had adhd. It explains most of my existence!
December 22, 2025 at 4:18 AM
Why can't I ever explain myself without being told I'm "making excuses". I'm not! I'm giving reasons!
I've spent the vast majority of my life being told off for making excuses when all along, I had a very good excuse, we just didn't know it - I had adhd. It explains most of my existence!
I've spent the vast majority of my life being told off for making excuses when all along, I had a very good excuse, we just didn't know it - I had adhd. It explains most of my existence!
I flatly refused to take my mask off and eat lunch with my co-workers at the Xmas lunch. I told them, I'm about to have two weeks off, I do NOT want to catch anything!
Little did I know, I was already developing a cold, probably thanks to my brother 😭
Little did I know, I was already developing a cold, probably thanks to my brother 😭
December 21, 2025 at 1:13 PM
I flatly refused to take my mask off and eat lunch with my co-workers at the Xmas lunch. I told them, I'm about to have two weeks off, I do NOT want to catch anything!
Little did I know, I was already developing a cold, probably thanks to my brother 😭
Little did I know, I was already developing a cold, probably thanks to my brother 😭
Boss and I are both desperately in need of our time off. Today I watched her ask someone in a Teams meeting a question that they had LITERALLY just finished giving her the info for. Like, they said "a is part of b", and she said, "so what about a, is it included in b?". And they just blinked.
December 16, 2025 at 12:13 PM
Boss and I are both desperately in need of our time off. Today I watched her ask someone in a Teams meeting a question that they had LITERALLY just finished giving her the info for. Like, they said "a is part of b", and she said, "so what about a, is it included in b?". And they just blinked.