I do think there'll be a point where it becomes important/necessary for me to see people. I just don't know how I'll know when that is.

Mum's going on holidays with the extended family from Friday, so I'll be on my own for a week. I don't know how that's going to go either. There's some aspects of it I think will be good for me, and some I'm a bit worried about.

I don't know either, honestly. Interacting with people is really weird right now. Even though it's only a handful of people. They either know, and that's weird, or they don't, and it's different weird.

I haven't wanted to eat much. Today is the first day I ate three almost normal meals. Mum's been doing her best to encourage me, but her asking me what I want for dinner is a pre-adhd-diagnosis era stress trigger for me even now 🤦🏼‍♀️

Raq was always convinced I deserved better than them. I always told them they were everything I could ever have wanted and more. They were my miracle. My reason. My Raq.

My boss managed to be kind and cruel at the same time today. In offering support, she was talking about what a good partner I was to Raq, and what a wonderful relationship we'd shared, and while it was sweet of her to say, it's really just reminding me of all I've lost.

Like so many, many things right now, it's both a kindness that people offer, and a point of pain, because I have no idea what could possibly be helpful for me right now. Except my one big obvious and impossible wish.

It feels weird to think that there are people I've never met who are being told about my loss and about Raq, because of the way someone else's loss makes people feel. It makes people reach out to their loved ones for comfort. I hope it reminds them to tell their loved ones how they feel.

It also makes me think about the impact of grief and loss through social groups. My boss has told some people at work, and was planning on letting some more people know today. One woman she told yesterday cried. It's strange to think, but she probably went home and told her family or friends.

Mum told me people did that for her when dad died. An especially kind gesture cause she had us to take care of. I was only 4, so I don't remember much from then.

It makes me think about the way cooking has been the thing people - especially women - have done for each other in difficult times. Make a casserole and wrap it in foil and take it round, because it saves the bereaved time, and it means they're more likely to actually eat something.

Sleep has almost always been easy for me. I joke that falling asleep is my superpower. Having to struggle so hard for its refuge feels like such a betrayal from my body and brain.

I keep going back and forth about whether I'm looking forward to mum being away next week while I'm on leave, or if I'm worried about it. Total solitude still feels weird.

It's not like I'd be happier if they weren't here...but it's hard to be around people who don't know, or really get it.
Had the same issue today with some meetings. Several people there who have no idea what's happened and were cheerfully greeting each other for the first time this year.

It's making me feel very odd. I don't exactly want to cry right now, but I don't like feeling like I can't. And I never feel great about using the kitchen when they're here. At least they're planning to go out fairly early tomorrow. And it's good for mum to have them here.

She told me I can call her any time, day or night, if I need to. She really wants to help, but it's one of those situations where there's only so much you can do. What she's letting me do is already very helpful. I can take it easy this week and know she has my back.

She also said it's fine if I work short days as I ease back into things. She said if I just work 5 hours it counts as a full day for her. I'll probably stay online for the full day but take that as permission to take breaks if I need them. And not feel guilty if I lose focus.