READING, PA—Having finally begun a new chapter of his journey into manhood, teenage boy Dylan Rackham was reportedly entering that awkward phase this week where he’s a complete fucking pervert. “Dylan’s starting to notice the girls in his class and fantasize about all the depraved, potentially illegal sex shit he wants to do to them,” said Dylan’s father, Elias Rackham, who wistfully recalled having been a nasty little sex-obsessed weirdo himself when he was Dylan’s age. “It’s just a confusing, clumsy stage that boys go through where they’re so perpetually horned up they can’t really function as normal members of society anymore. My sweet Dylan’s going to be a bonafide sex pest to pretty much everyone around him while he stumbles down the bumpy road to maturity—hell, he’s probably going to try sticking it in a couple inanimate objects before the end of this thing. But however noxious his disgusting sexual appetites get, it shouldn’t be more than four or five years before this phase passes. It may end even sooner if his perversion lands him in some kind of court-ordered sex offender rehabilitation program. And no matter how creepy he gets or how many times he jerks off each day, he’ll always be my baby boy!” Dylan’s father added that while the teen would no doubt have questions about his newfound feelings, he could always turn to some of the foulest internet pornography imaginable for guidance.

ATLANTA—Stressing that the rules were formulated for the safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new guidelines Thursday governing female body hair. “Effective immediately, women nationwide are advised to remove all hair from arms, legs, underarms, and genital areas or suffer the legal consequences,” said CDC spokesperson Jamie Reardon, stressing that […]