Commander's Herald
@commanders-herald.bsky.social
Your #1 Source for Satire Made To Sound Like Magic: The Gathering News!
Reposted by Commander's Herald
have been following this account since the old days and this is the best one I’ve ever seen. My God. “You’re about to extend your style to your hairstyle” is like a fortune teller roasting his client
December 26, 2025 at 1:19 AM
have been following this account since the old days and this is the best one I’ve ever seen. My God. “You’re about to extend your style to your hairstyle” is like a fortune teller roasting his client
"My God, man, it's bad enough I have to deal with your destitute nonsense on the clock, only to have to face you once again when I come to this gaming parlor! Do you know what it took for me to get this deck together?"
Scrooge Laments Having to Play His Expensive Commander Deck Against Cratchit's Proxies | Commander's Herald
Local despondent businessman Ebenezer Scrooge caused a scene at his local game store after he was paired with his subordinate Bob Cratchit in a Magic: The Gathering cEDH match.
commandersherald.com
December 25, 2025 at 5:43 PM
"My God, man, it's bad enough I have to deal with your destitute nonsense on the clock, only to have to face you once again when I come to this gaming parlor! Do you know what it took for me to get this deck together?"
"These decks, containing the same cards but with different names, will definitely appeal to those that love the holidays and do not like diversity."
Universes Beyond: Hallmark to Have Four Commander Decks With Same Cards | Commander's Herald
Wizards of the Coast and Hallmark have the perfect Christmas gift for the middle-American housewife who loves playing fantasy card games.
commandersherald.com
December 23, 2025 at 5:42 PM
"These decks, containing the same cards but with different names, will definitely appeal to those that love the holidays and do not like diversity."
The press release comes hot on the heels of the release of the second season of Amazon's Fallout streaming show, which would've been a great time to release reprints of the Universes Beyond: Fallout set.
New Fallout TV Season Coincides With WOTC Reminding Us They'll Never Reprint Fallout Cards | Commander's Herald
Wizards created a press release to remind their Magic: customers that they'll probably never own any Fallout cards if they haven't got them already
commandersherald.com
December 22, 2025 at 4:43 PM
The press release comes hot on the heels of the release of the second season of Amazon's Fallout streaming show, which would've been a great time to release reprints of the Universes Beyond: Fallout set.
"I mean, it just makes sense, right? All the heroes have to do is get him more and more angry. We've been having Mark Ruffalo get into character by stepping on Lego bricks all morning."
Rumor: "Avengers: Doomsday" Climactic Scene To Feature The Hulk Stepping on Caltrops | Commander's Herald
We were inspired by fans reacting to the spoilers by pointing out that The Hulk would just keep fighting over and over again if Caltrops was in play. I mean, it just makes sense, right?
commandersherald.com
December 19, 2025 at 4:44 PM
"I mean, it just makes sense, right? All the heroes have to do is get him more and more angry. We've been having Mark Ruffalo get into character by stepping on Lego bricks all morning."
"Battling product fatigue for so long really took it out of him. A few years back, some other kid in his ward used their Make-A-Wish to ask them to make more Magic cards. Should've known it'd be a monkey's paw situation."
Doctors Inform Terminally Ill Magic Player He'll Only Live Through 178 More Spoiler Seasons | Commander's Herald
Oncologists at St. Traft General Hospital had the heartbreaking task of informing a patient's family that he has only months, or approximately 178 more seasons of Magic The Gathering Cards being spoil...
commandersherald.com
December 18, 2025 at 9:12 PM
"Battling product fatigue for so long really took it out of him. A few years back, some other kid in his ward used their Make-A-Wish to ask them to make more Magic cards. Should've known it'd be a monkey's paw situation."
Here's a great way to save some money this holiday season, you filthy animals!
Seven Budget Gift Ideas for the Magic Player in Your Life | Commander's Herald
Christmas is right around the corner, and we here at Commander's Herald know how stressful budgeting can be this time of year.
commandersherald.com
December 17, 2025 at 6:29 PM
Here's a great way to save some money this holiday season, you filthy animals!
"I use some extra draft chaff to see into people's personal lives and glean what I can using my gift of Foresight. The problem is whatever I do, all I see is people throwing their money into a fire or spending $250 on a pauper deck."
Tarot Reader Using Magic Cards Sees Financial Ruin In Your Future | Commander's Herald
The future is what you make it, as long as...oh crap, she just cast a Mircale'd Terminus off the top, that can't be a good omen.
commandersherald.com
December 16, 2025 at 3:18 PM
"I use some extra draft chaff to see into people's personal lives and glean what I can using my gift of Foresight. The problem is whatever I do, all I see is people throwing their money into a fire or spending $250 on a pauper deck."
"Pete was just bad at the game. Like, every time he scored a hit, he'd guess the exact same square again the next turn. Which was odd because he also cheated constantly, leaning over to my side to peek."
Hasbro Defies Hegseth: Sells Battleship with Rulebook Included | Commander's Herald
Rejecting demands from Pete Hegseth, Hasbro continues to release Battleship board game with a full rulebook included.
commandersherald.com
December 15, 2025 at 5:54 PM
"Pete was just bad at the game. Like, every time he scored a hit, he'd guess the exact same square again the next turn. Which was odd because he also cheated constantly, leaning over to my side to peek."
While cuffing is typically a term reserved for romantic couplings, experts say this type of pop-culture coupling during the winter season is increasingly common. Other examples include re-downloading Final Fantasy XIV or binge-watching critically acclaimed sitcoms from the 1970s.
Lonely Magic Player Commits to New Format in Cuffing Season | Commander's Herald
ST. CLOUD, MN - Cuffing season is upon us. The time of year when the nights grow longer and colder, pushing people to seek solace in romantic couplings. But one local man has found another way to cope...
commandersherald.com
December 12, 2025 at 6:27 PM
While cuffing is typically a term reserved for romantic couplings, experts say this type of pop-culture coupling during the winter season is increasingly common. Other examples include re-downloading Final Fantasy XIV or binge-watching critically acclaimed sitcoms from the 1970s.
"Mere hours after releasing their planned second chapter for Lorwyn Eclipsed, a multiversal sized shadow was cast over the set's moment when the first round of Marvel Super Heroes were spoiled."
Lorwyn Eclipsed Eclipsed | Commander's Herald
Mere hours after releasing their planned second chapter for Lorwyn Eclipsed, a multiversal sized shadow was cast over the set's moment
commandersherald.com
December 11, 2025 at 10:20 PM
"Mere hours after releasing their planned second chapter for Lorwyn Eclipsed, a multiversal sized shadow was cast over the set's moment when the first round of Marvel Super Heroes were spoiled."
"The WOTC fix is in. This was always going to happen when Universes Beyond was allowed to go unchecked. I haven't been happy since 1996."
Magic Community Outraged at Show of Good Sportsmanship at Worlds | Commander's Herald
Manfield and Shibata were unavailable for comment due to being busy enjoying their successes this past weekend with their friends and loved ones.
commandersherald.com
December 10, 2025 at 5:23 PM
"The WOTC fix is in. This was always going to happen when Universes Beyond was allowed to go unchecked. I haven't been happy since 1996."
WE ARE ALSO LOOKING FOR PHOTOSHOP-LITERATE PEOPLE on top of the new crop of great writers we just signed on. If you're interested, fill out the form below and indicate your image-altering prowess and we'll contact you soon!
WE ARE LOOKING FOR WRITERS!
Come compete in the high-octane world of Magic: The Gathering satire! Fill out this form to apply: tinyurl.com/heraldapply
Come compete in the high-octane world of Magic: The Gathering satire! Fill out this form to apply: tinyurl.com/heraldapply
December 9, 2025 at 9:56 PM
WE ARE ALSO LOOKING FOR PHOTOSHOP-LITERATE PEOPLE on top of the new crop of great writers we just signed on. If you're interested, fill out the form below and indicate your image-altering prowess and we'll contact you soon!
"If you think about it, the King James Bible was the first errata. I see your Geralf's Messenger has undying, just like a certain friend of mine. Oh, Parallel Lives multiplies your Food tokens? Hmm, reminds me of some loaves and fishes."
Youth Pastor Knows a Super Cool Legendary Creature You Should Build Around | Commander's Herald
“If you think about it, the King James Bible was the first errata.” said Fyve between handing out fidget spinner crosses.
commandersherald.com
December 9, 2025 at 5:04 PM
"If you think about it, the King James Bible was the first errata. I see your Geralf's Messenger has undying, just like a certain friend of mine. Oh, Parallel Lives multiplies your Food tokens? Hmm, reminds me of some loaves and fishes."
"Its rules are taken nearly verbatim from an older card game, known as Euchre, made for a subset of a standard deck of playing cards. This revelation was brought forward after Aunt Eileen offered to teach us the original game following Thanksgiving dinner."
New Fringe Magic Format Secretly Just Euchre | Commander's Herald
A new shared-deck round-based Magic format, has been gaining traction on social media over the past few months.
commandersherald.com
December 8, 2025 at 5:34 PM
"Its rules are taken nearly verbatim from an older card game, known as Euchre, made for a subset of a standard deck of playing cards. This revelation was brought forward after Aunt Eileen offered to teach us the original game following Thanksgiving dinner."
While it remains unclear how they mechanically fit into the new set's theme, there's no doubt Bullshit fits nicely with the overall direction of Standard.
New Artifact Token Does Some Bullshit | Commander's Herald
Leaks for the next Magic set reveal that a new artifact token does some bullshit. We break down all the details on the new token.
commandersherald.com
December 5, 2025 at 5:43 PM
While it remains unclear how they mechanically fit into the new set's theme, there's no doubt Bullshit fits nicely with the overall direction of Standard.
Reposted by Commander's Herald
Perfect juxtaposition
December 3, 2025 at 9:43 PM
Perfect juxtaposition
Reposted by Commander's Herald
They gotta at least drag it over to the skate park at the UN plaza so people can replicate the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater SF level.
A month after the San Francisco Arts Commission ordered the dismantling of the iconic Vaillancourt Fountain, a local organization is formally challenging the Brutalist work’s destruction.
Preservation Group Appeals Dismantling of SF Brutalist Fountain
The Vaillancourt Fountain in Embarcadero Plaza could be removed as soon as February.
hyperallergic.com
December 4, 2025 at 4:01 PM
They gotta at least drag it over to the skate park at the UN plaza so people can replicate the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater SF level.
"I wiped the dust off of the dilapidated cardboard deckbox and caressed the dog-eared Dragon Shields I sleeved the precon with all the way back in 2012. I could tell they were excited to be out again, I just wish it wasn't for the last time."
Magic Player Takes Crappy Old Deck To Look At The Sunset Before Unsleeving it | Commander's Herald
Commander enthusiast Melanie Grayson made the decision today to scrap her 2011 Mimeoplasm deck and wanted to make their last day together a good one.
commandersherald.com
December 4, 2025 at 5:20 PM
"I wiped the dust off of the dilapidated cardboard deckbox and caressed the dog-eared Dragon Shields I sleeved the precon with all the way back in 2012. I could tell they were excited to be out again, I just wish it wasn't for the last time."
"Mhmm, yes, I am single legendary creature," Rograkh said while stumbling around in comically oversized sleeves. "Am a Goblin with many keyboards, just like Dockside."
cEDH Commander Just a Bunch of Tutors in a Trenchcoat | Commander's Herald
"Mhmm yes I am single legendary creature." Rograkh said while stumbling around in comically oversized sleeves. "Am a goblin with many keyboards."
commandersherald.com
December 2, 2025 at 6:04 PM
"Mhmm, yes, I am single legendary creature," Rograkh said while stumbling around in comically oversized sleeves. "Am a Goblin with many keyboards, just like Dockside."
"I've seen some things in my day. Loyal dogs trampled by giants, and beloved heroes reanimated from their graves. But there was just something evil about the glee in his eyes when he tapped for one red."
Commander Pod Split on Ethics of Targeting Glider Kids with Lightning Bolt | Commander's Herald
READING, PA -- The new Avatar: the Last Airbender expansion has been a success for Wizards and fans in general, but some play groups have started to struggle in unexpected ways. The introduction of so...
commandersherald.com
December 1, 2025 at 5:43 PM
"I've seen some things in my day. Loyal dogs trampled by giants, and beloved heroes reanimated from their graves. But there was just something evil about the glee in his eyes when he tapped for one red."
This Black Friday weekend, try and find as many sales as you can on this incredibly under-rated card, you (and I) won't be disappointed!
This Article Is Trying to Inflate The Price of Spellweaver Volute | Commander's Herald
Spellweaver Volute is flexible, unique, and if this article does what it's supposed to, it'll also be hard to find, so buy them now from me!
commandersherald.com
November 29, 2025 at 2:58 PM
This Black Friday weekend, try and find as many sales as you can on this incredibly under-rated card, you (and I) won't be disappointed!
Satire makes the world go 'round
When your ambassador is SO deranged that Time Magazine says, "Yeah, that quote sounds real".
November 29, 2025 at 2:55 PM
Satire makes the world go 'round
"At first I thought I said something that might be upsetting to Brett. On the contrary, Brett's face lit up and became quite animated as he began talking, most of which I didn't understand."
Monologue Enters Second Hour After Uncle Mistakenly asks "How that Magic Game is Going" at Thanksgiving Dinner | Commander's Herald
Is there anything more awkward than *that* topic coming up at Thanksgiving? The one nobody wants to acknowledge? Magic: the Gathering?
commandersherald.com
November 27, 2025 at 5:40 PM
"At first I thought I said something that might be upsetting to Brett. On the contrary, Brett's face lit up and became quite animated as he began talking, most of which I didn't understand."