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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno.bsky.social

3K followers 440 following 1.2K posts

I am a stand-up comedian and that is okay https://linktr.ee/gracejarvis

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · Sep 12

if a woman tells you you have “nice hands” she is doing everything in her power not to fuck you senseless please release her from her torment her friends are receiving the kinds of messages someone in prison would send

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 37m

saw The Shining at the cinema last night and when the credits started rolling I looked down to pick up my bag and looked up at the screen again to see, in that matter-of-fact square font they used, “HAIRSTYLES: LEONARD”

Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 9h

you’re in his DMs, I am in the little Gaulish village still holding out against the Roman invaders

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 17h

thinking about the pastor at my all girls school who told us that the rock in front of Jesus’ tomb couldn’t have been that heavy because “two women managed to move it”

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Reposted by Grace Jarvis

“spooky” halftimbered 🛸 @halftimbered.au · 1d

[listening to podcast, ad comes on]
Brain: How many people do you think better help has killed?

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 1d

when people dress their little kids as the penguin waiters from Mary Poppins? that’s everything to me

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 1d

oh, your creepy Victorian mansion has a locked garden of rare poisonous plants somewhere on the grounds? can’t imagine that’ll be relevant to any grotesque tragedies in the near future

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 2d

a large chunk of my life so far has been taken up by just “having a sore leg”

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 2d

I want to be beautiful online, but my house gets no natural light

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 2d

there’s a kid downstairs and it is so clear that his mum hates him and every time I see her seething in his direction or hear her screaming at him from two storeys up I just think, “see you on the circuit in 15 years, buddy!”

Reposted by Grace Jarvis

Micah Callari (She/Her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @micahcallari.com · 3d

submitted thing i was late for due date on

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 2d

I’ve never waded into any Taylor Swift discourse, I mostly don’t care, she has heaps of bangers and billionaires are inherently evil, but what I will say is STEP AWAY FROM OPHELIA AS A METAPHOR YOU LEAVE MY GIRL ALONE

Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 3d

when my mental illness isn’t cured by taking a walk, having a shower and putting on moisturiser

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 3d

please my hippos, they’re so hungry hungry

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 4d

teenage girls have more de-escalation training than the police

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 4d

I regularly do comedy for free in pubs named after unions

Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 5d

by “edible arrangement” I mean “nerds rope bouquet”

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 5d

the Baudelaire orphans are the only people allowed to say their trauma made them funny and they would never

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 5d

lost my will to live halfway through changing my sheets send help

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Reposted by Grace Jarvis

terror @weedlejuice.bsky.social · 6d

We’re all at different stages in our journey of discovering we’ve been long dead at the hands of a madman in the abandoned quarry

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 6d

Coco Chanel said to take off one accessory before you leave the house, but she was also a nazi so to spite her I put on all of my jewellry and a beret just to go to the shops

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 6d

some women look sexy with wet hair unfortunately I look more like a child who just got picked up from swim practice

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 7d

one of my favourite things to do is yell “vultures!” to myself whenever another car parks in the carpark I wanted to park in

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 7d

whenever someone sends me a message that’s just my first name, I freak out and assume I’ve shared porn to facebook or something

Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 8d

when I blow a regular ant off my leg and give it the flight of a lifetime that’s my contribution to nature

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 8d

I was addicted to fantasy novels as a kid so every time I pack to go somewhere I have to remind myself that I don’t need to put hard bread and cheese into a sack for the journey

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