David Calkins
@itsdavidcalkins.bsky.social
Comedian, writer, performer 🎤🎭✏️
@mcsweeneys.net, The God Pod, and elsewhere
@mcsweeneys.net, The God Pod, and elsewhere
I have ADHD, which means I’ll probably be late to your thing. Not always, but usually.
If that’s a dealbreaker than I’m okay with that.
If that’s a dealbreaker than I’m okay with that.
June 6, 2025 at 8:10 PM
I have ADHD, which means I’ll probably be late to your thing. Not always, but usually.
If that’s a dealbreaker than I’m okay with that.
If that’s a dealbreaker than I’m okay with that.
What kind of sick twisted fuck came up with scratchy tags on shirts
May 11, 2025 at 8:33 PM
What kind of sick twisted fuck came up with scratchy tags on shirts
Looks like everyone knows what a tariff is now.
April 6, 2025 at 12:35 AM
Looks like everyone knows what a tariff is now.
Sometimes I forget to drink water for a whole day but it works out because I conserve water by forgetting to pee.
March 13, 2025 at 5:49 AM
Sometimes I forget to drink water for a whole day but it works out because I conserve water by forgetting to pee.
Donald always looks like he had a stroke on both sides of his face.
January 23, 2025 at 10:27 PM
Donald always looks like he had a stroke on both sides of his face.
It’s the Gulf of America?
So I guess Mexico now has to be called America.
Wait but now nothing is Mexico.
All good. Former America can be called Mexico.
Shit but now it’s their gulf again.
No problem, we’ll just call it the Gulf of Mexico wait fuck.
So I guess Mexico now has to be called America.
Wait but now nothing is Mexico.
All good. Former America can be called Mexico.
Shit but now it’s their gulf again.
No problem, we’ll just call it the Gulf of Mexico wait fuck.
January 23, 2025 at 7:33 PM
It’s the Gulf of America?
So I guess Mexico now has to be called America.
Wait but now nothing is Mexico.
All good. Former America can be called Mexico.
Shit but now it’s their gulf again.
No problem, we’ll just call it the Gulf of Mexico wait fuck.
So I guess Mexico now has to be called America.
Wait but now nothing is Mexico.
All good. Former America can be called Mexico.
Shit but now it’s their gulf again.
No problem, we’ll just call it the Gulf of Mexico wait fuck.
I'm staying on RedNote.
January 19, 2025 at 7:24 PM
I'm staying on RedNote.
Straight women I love you but as a bi man you’re confusing af. You want your date with to be well groomed and wear clothes that fit but the second we color coordinate, your gadar won’t shut off.
January 16, 2025 at 8:54 PM
Straight women I love you but as a bi man you’re confusing af. You want your date with to be well groomed and wear clothes that fit but the second we color coordinate, your gadar won’t shut off.
What’s the actual difference between billiards and pool again? Is pool what the peasants play?
January 14, 2025 at 11:56 PM
What’s the actual difference between billiards and pool again? Is pool what the peasants play?
ugh it’s just a never ending sea of everyone talking at once what the hell are we even doing
January 13, 2025 at 10:09 AM
ugh it’s just a never ending sea of everyone talking at once what the hell are we even doing
I didn’t even know Facebook had facts.
January 9, 2025 at 7:22 AM
I didn’t even know Facebook had facts.
Why can’t the news just say things normal instead of making people feel dumb? Just talk to me at my level.
Don’t say, “GPD could drop as much as 9%.” Say “We’re gonna make less shit and that’s bad.”
Don’t say, “GPD could drop as much as 9%.” Say “We’re gonna make less shit and that’s bad.”
January 7, 2025 at 3:51 AM
Why can’t the news just say things normal instead of making people feel dumb? Just talk to me at my level.
Don’t say, “GPD could drop as much as 9%.” Say “We’re gonna make less shit and that’s bad.”
Don’t say, “GPD could drop as much as 9%.” Say “We’re gonna make less shit and that’s bad.”
Reposted by David Calkins
The implosion happening on X is so loud they can’t even hear me shouting ‘I told you so!!!”
MAGA vs. Elon, Day 2
"Elon Musk is more dangerous than George Soros."
www.thegodpodcast.com
December 29, 2024 at 3:56 AM
The implosion happening on X is so loud they can’t even hear me shouting ‘I told you so!!!”
I can’t be the only one on this platform who absolutely loves content, I’m crazy for the stuff!
December 29, 2024 at 12:48 AM
I can’t be the only one on this platform who absolutely loves content, I’m crazy for the stuff!
Reposted by David Calkins
Pretty soon the only users on X will be Russian bots and die hard Elon fans who are obviously Elon.
December 27, 2024 at 11:27 PM
Pretty soon the only users on X will be Russian bots and die hard Elon fans who are obviously Elon.
No I do not have a desperate need for validation. I have an ambitious one.
December 28, 2024 at 12:11 AM
No I do not have a desperate need for validation. I have an ambitious one.
If God created the universe, he’s pretty lazy. It’s mostly empty space.
December 20, 2024 at 1:16 AM
If God created the universe, he’s pretty lazy. It’s mostly empty space.
Why is he called Winnie the Pooh and not Winnie the Bear?
December 10, 2024 at 7:15 PM
Why is he called Winnie the Pooh and not Winnie the Bear?
Why hasn’t dentistry advanced beyond the technology of scraping teeth with sharp metal hooks?
December 10, 2024 at 12:24 AM
Why hasn’t dentistry advanced beyond the technology of scraping teeth with sharp metal hooks?
They say you catch more flies with honey, but you can also catch more with dog shit.
#comedy #oneliners #jokes
#comedy #oneliners #jokes
December 9, 2024 at 4:29 PM
They say you catch more flies with honey, but you can also catch more with dog shit.
#comedy #oneliners #jokes
#comedy #oneliners #jokes
Reposted by David Calkins
I look like Mac from always sunny had a child with beaker from the muppets. You can’t tell just from reading this, so I wanted to let you know.
December 8, 2024 at 5:52 PM
I look like Mac from always sunny had a child with beaker from the muppets. You can’t tell just from reading this, so I wanted to let you know.
I don’t want a tiny house, I want a regular sized house.
December 8, 2024 at 12:19 AM
I don’t want a tiny house, I want a regular sized house.
As a child of 90s I feel a deep sense of shame for every forest fire I couldn't prevent.
#comedy
#standup
#jokes
#oneliners
#comedy
#standup
#jokes
#oneliners
December 5, 2024 at 7:46 PM
As a child of 90s I feel a deep sense of shame for every forest fire I couldn't prevent.
#comedy
#standup
#jokes
#oneliners
#comedy
#standup
#jokes
#oneliners