It’s one thing to say dumb shit on Reddit but downvote me? What a mother fucker!

@lizzedarling.bsky.social
Hey fuck you

The posts preceding this were me scrounging all the good tweets I had from the other app that shall not be named.
One was not an original thought but blatant plagiarism.
I will Venmo you 5 dollars if you guess on the first try. Each participate gets one guess.

The cat just puked, the dog cleaned it up with his mouth

From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs

Did you rescue a cat?
No, I earned through a trial by combat.

I gained a bunch of weight due to Covid/ eating drinking whatever I want.

Am I comfortable with my body at this point? Yes.

Do I brush my teeth with my shirt off? No

I need to go to the store and buy more forks. This does not mean I’m out of forks. I simply have one that I keep VERY close track of.

Aggressively playing PokémonGo trying to earn my virginity back.

Me dapping up my pet Harpy Eagle

I’m posting funny stories I text my friends on hopes to be famous.
I’m bringing back ‘Texts From Last Night’

A passage from the Tao that’s frequently worth revisiting.

‘Why are you such a terror at work?’
I don’t have enough enrichment toys in my enclosure.

Taught my dog this new trick where I yell "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" and he keeps barking as loud as he can.

(folding a piece of paper in half and pushing a pencil through it to show how wormholes function) now of course this only works on pencils

There’s the ‘Royal We’
And then there’s the ‘DJ Khaled They’

@roundearthsociety.bsky.social
What are you doing this weekend