if you are afraid of getting cut in half, one of the worst things you can do is fall asleep on a log that, at the moment, is motionless in front of a giant saw

People think Chicago is really dangerous just because they see a bunch of guys holding two guns. What they don't get is that those are just for keeping you airborne so they don't lose their combo

guinness world records contacted me asking if they could add me in for "longest time spent staring at steam library without choosing a game". i didn't see the message because i was staring at my steam library, of course

when you listen to music and it's good music

fucked up I can't drink by shoving my hand in a bucket of water and absorbing it through my skin like some kind of frog-human hybrid. it'd be so cool right up until i forget about my newfound power and poison myself by using copious amounts of body wash in the shower

The lightning bugs are out flashing their sex bulbs turning my neighborhood into an all-night Fuck-O-Rama. I'm going to pray on this (kneels, clasps hands) Dear Lord, please let me find a big bag of money so I don't have to look for a job ever again. Amen.

leaving Omelas and ending up in a city where everyone is suffering and bleeding out except for one kid in a really really really really cool basement

dragon quest games fuck so hard because every single enemy you fight is the most delightful Akira Toriyama-designed little guy you’ve ever seen