WASHINGTON—Congratulating the natural satellite for moving on to new and exciting opportunities, NASA announced Monday that the moon would be leaving Earth’s orbit to take on a position with a bigger planet at the end of the month. “This is obviously a bittersweet moment since we’ve had such a wonderful longstanding relationship with the moon, but we’re all just really excited to see what it gets up to with a powerhouse planet like Jupiter in its corner,” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine, adding that while the moon had always been an exemplary heavenly body, the new post would give it the opportunity to mingle with colleagues such as Europa and Ganymede that a small planet like Earth simply couldn’t provide. “Luckily, we have a number of bright young asteroids already in orbit who can help pick up the slack as the moon transitions to this new phase.” Bridestine added that in some ways it was a relief to say goodbye since the moon and Earth had always held major creative differences about the tides.

VATICAN CITY—In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis died of a eucharistic overdose. “Our autopsy found the Holy Father had a substantial amount of Eucharist in his system— roughly four times the legal limit—at the time of death,” […]

Just an autistic guy trying to enjoy life. I’m also a brony and love video games.