Mark Agee
@markagee.bsky.social
I write stuff and jokes, sometimes for TV shows for money. I like fried pickles.
“Now that I’ve convinced you to kill yourself, consider washing those pills down with a refreshing Glacier Freeze Gatorade Zero”
January 16, 2026 at 6:29 PM
“Now that I’ve convinced you to kill yourself, consider washing those pills down with a refreshing Glacier Freeze Gatorade Zero”
Putting a carrot on the nose of Frozen Chuck Schumer as the avatar for the resistance
January 16, 2026 at 5:42 PM
Putting a carrot on the nose of Frozen Chuck Schumer as the avatar for the resistance
Soon, how we're dressing to do the news
January 14, 2026 at 12:34 AM
Soon, how we're dressing to do the news
“Oh no guys don’t take that child’s top off”
January 2, 2026 at 11:02 PM
“Oh no guys don’t take that child’s top off”
Taking an-entire-Army-battalion-with-a-hangover’s dose of aspirin every morning because I want nice thin blood
January 1, 2026 at 5:27 PM
Taking an-entire-Army-battalion-with-a-hangover’s dose of aspirin every morning because I want nice thin blood
We have caught and compromised for the permanent end of Santa Claus
December 25, 2025 at 2:54 PM
We have caught and compromised for the permanent end of Santa Claus
Me in line for a lukewarm coffee from Chili's Too while an air traffic controller operates two extra work stations with his feet
November 24, 2025 at 9:22 PM
Me in line for a lukewarm coffee from Chili's Too while an air traffic controller operates two extra work stations with his feet
Imagine heading into work with a fresh cup of coffee and getting a Shams alert that three months from now you’ll be found in a running car in a garage after your wife leaves
November 11, 2025 at 3:36 PM
Imagine heading into work with a fresh cup of coffee and getting a Shams alert that three months from now you’ll be found in a running car in a garage after your wife leaves
It's fun that he's gonna keep running for lesser and lesser offices until he wins. I congratulate future Andrew Cuomo on spending $4 million of Bill Ackman's money to win 6th grade class president on a platform of "Homework Stinks"
November 8, 2025 at 5:17 PM
It's fun that he's gonna keep running for lesser and lesser offices until he wins. I congratulate future Andrew Cuomo on spending $4 million of Bill Ackman's money to win 6th grade class president on a platform of "Homework Stinks"
"Point of clarification agent, you're saying he put some mustard on it? He put some mustard on the mustard? Let the record show the officer alleges double mustard"
November 4, 2025 at 4:26 PM
"Point of clarification agent, you're saying he put some mustard on it? He put some mustard on the mustard? Let the record show the officer alleges double mustard"
Richest country in the history of the known universe: Take your hungry kids Trick or Beansin’
October 29, 2025 at 3:06 PM
Richest country in the history of the known universe: Take your hungry kids Trick or Beansin’
Registering to run for office should require the same ritual as getting kicked out of the Sons of Anarchy
October 21, 2025 at 8:26 PM
Registering to run for office should require the same ritual as getting kicked out of the Sons of Anarchy
Antifa Girlfriends are a direct violation of Section 1 of the Antifa Guidelines post Soros Accords
October 9, 2025 at 1:06 AM
Antifa Girlfriends are a direct violation of Section 1 of the Antifa Guidelines post Soros Accords
These kinda polls always kill me. The average American seems to think America is 40% black, 40% Latino, 20% Muslim, 20% Jewish, 25% gay and 20% trans. Somewhere in there must be a crossover group who spends all day looking for halal kosher hormones and coming out to their nine sets of parents
September 19, 2025 at 7:16 PM
These kinda polls always kill me. The average American seems to think America is 40% black, 40% Latino, 20% Muslim, 20% Jewish, 25% gay and 20% trans. Somewhere in there must be a crossover group who spends all day looking for halal kosher hormones and coming out to their nine sets of parents
The Wahhabists become my lobotomists when I sit down at the table and accidentally call MBS 'IBS'
September 5, 2025 at 2:55 PM
The Wahhabists become my lobotomists when I sit down at the table and accidentally call MBS 'IBS'
In Arkham interview Harley Quinn tells Mayor Oswald Cobblepot's lawyer that she never saw him in the Joker's hideout
August 22, 2025 at 7:42 PM
In Arkham interview Harley Quinn tells Mayor Oswald Cobblepot's lawyer that she never saw him in the Joker's hideout
Every sergeant at Fort Bragg by next Thursday
August 21, 2025 at 9:26 PM
Every sergeant at Fort Bragg by next Thursday