Mark Agee
@markagee.bsky.social
I write stuff and jokes, sometimes for TV shows for money. I like fried pickles.
“Now that I’ve convinced you to kill yourself, consider washing those pills down with a refreshing Glacier Freeze Gatorade Zero”
January 16, 2026 at 6:29 PM
“Now that I’ve convinced you to kill yourself, consider washing those pills down with a refreshing Glacier Freeze Gatorade Zero”
Putting a carrot on the nose of Frozen Chuck Schumer as the avatar for the resistance
January 16, 2026 at 5:42 PM
Putting a carrot on the nose of Frozen Chuck Schumer as the avatar for the resistance
The only smart part of invading Minnesota in January is "Everyone in Congress is 84 and would die from a broken hip."
What we need is a pitch deck for How To Do Insider Trading Based on Going Outside
What we need is a pitch deck for How To Do Insider Trading Based on Going Outside
Democrat leaders looking for "creative ideas" to fight ICE, I've got a crazy one called "go outside to where the shit is actually happening."
January 16, 2026 at 5:39 PM
The only smart part of invading Minnesota in January is "Everyone in Congress is 84 and would die from a broken hip."
What we need is a pitch deck for How To Do Insider Trading Based on Going Outside
What we need is a pitch deck for How To Do Insider Trading Based on Going Outside
I don't know if anything he says matters, but I can't tell he doesn't believe anything he says matters, so it definitely ends up not mattering
Schumer as a major American metro is being brutally occupied by Trump goons: "The affordability crisis will be our focus throughout 2026 because that's what the American people are demanding"
January 15, 2026 at 5:19 PM
I don't know if anything he says matters, but I can't tell he doesn't believe anything he says matters, so it definitely ends up not mattering
Soon, how we're dressing to do the news
January 14, 2026 at 12:34 AM
Soon, how we're dressing to do the news
Every dying empire needs its own Falklands War. We must sacrifice a confused private, who bleeds out under the eye of polar wildlife, while a propagandized officer dreaming of a meaningful death charges a machine gun nest of five guys who live there
The American people yearn for sole operational control of Greenland. The existing arrangement, of basically complete cooperation, isn’t enough. They demand more
January 11, 2026 at 4:52 AM
Every dying empire needs its own Falklands War. We must sacrifice a confused private, who bleeds out under the eye of polar wildlife, while a propagandized officer dreaming of a meaningful death charges a machine gun nest of five guys who live there
The congressional Democratic impulse to pivot everything to groceries makes it seem like they'd be cool with invading Greenland if there were a bunch of eggs there
January 8, 2026 at 8:56 PM
The congressional Democratic impulse to pivot everything to groceries makes it seem like they'd be cool with invading Greenland if there were a bunch of eggs there
I stopped even typing drafts to vent because my keyboard log would put me in Gitmo
January 8, 2026 at 4:56 AM
I stopped even typing drafts to vent because my keyboard log would put me in Gitmo
Now when it ChatGPT tells you to kill yourself it can offer specific reasons why. "You're fat and gay. You'll probably get cancer anyway"
OpenAI launches ChatGPT Health, encouraging users to connect their medical records
OpenAI launches ChatGPT Health, encouraging users to connect their medical records
But it’s “not intended for diagnosis or treatment.”
buff.ly
January 7, 2026 at 11:21 PM
Now when it ChatGPT tells you to kill yourself it can offer specific reasons why. "You're fat and gay. You'll probably get cancer anyway"
I know cops are morons but in a world with automatic transmissions how does shooting a driver stop a car from coming toward you? It’s not even unrelated it’s some other third thing
January 7, 2026 at 9:43 PM
I know cops are morons but in a world with automatic transmissions how does shooting a driver stop a car from coming toward you? It’s not even unrelated it’s some other third thing
Stephen Miller would be dead before The Purge horn finished sounding and it would be of lactose intolerance
January 6, 2026 at 3:36 PM
Stephen Miller would be dead before The Purge horn finished sounding and it would be of lactose intolerance
It is pretty funny that this man in particular – who has the gaunt face of a Victorian orphan child who died three weeks ago and the build of a low-effort scarecrow – would argue that might makes right
Stephen Miller: This whole period that happened after World War II where the West began apologizing and groveling and begging—
Host: I don't even know what you're talking about right now. I asked you if there would be an election in Venezuela.
Host: I don't even know what you're talking about right now. I asked you if there would be an election in Venezuela.
January 6, 2026 at 3:26 PM
It is pretty funny that this man in particular – who has the gaunt face of a Victorian orphan child who died three weeks ago and the build of a low-effort scarecrow – would argue that might makes right
Songs should have to end, no more fading out bullshit. Your band isn’t in a car driving away
This place needs some Innocuous Discourse pronto. Quote this with a take that’s not political or aggressive
January 6, 2026 at 4:46 AM
Songs should have to end, no more fading out bullshit. Your band isn’t in a car driving away
“I will not defend Nicolas Maduro.” I will. He has a luxurious mustache. He looks like he knows his way around a grill
January 4, 2026 at 12:39 AM
“I will not defend Nicolas Maduro.” I will. He has a luxurious mustache. He looks like he knows his way around a grill
I would enjoy it if someone, anyone in opposition would promise humiliating oversight hearings in the future along with a D-Day sized team of forensic accountants doing audits that feel like endoscopies for anyone who participates in this evil farce
And there ya have it…
Officials from top Wall Street firms will be traveling to Venezuela to investigate “investment prospects” of the country. “The trip will feature about 20 officials from the finance, energy and defense sectors.”
Officials from top Wall Street firms will be traveling to Venezuela to investigate “investment prospects” of the country. “The trip will feature about 20 officials from the finance, energy and defense sectors.”
Finance Industry Eyes Investment Opportunities in Venezuela
Some on Wall Street are already considering possible investment opportunities in Venezuela following the capture of Nicolás Maduro, according to Charles Myers, chairman of consulting firm Signum Globa...
www.wsj.com
January 3, 2026 at 10:36 PM
I would enjoy it if someone, anyone in opposition would promise humiliating oversight hearings in the future along with a D-Day sized team of forensic accountants doing audits that feel like endoscopies for anyone who participates in this evil farce
“Oh no guys don’t take that child’s top off”
January 2, 2026 at 11:02 PM
“Oh no guys don’t take that child’s top off”
I remember standing in the back of a comedy club while the crowd filed out after a Jeff Dunham show. A lady told her friend "That first puppet wasn't that funny, but that SECOND puppet..."
Anyway, the news: "Grok apologizes"
Anyway, the news: "Grok apologizes"
January 2, 2026 at 10:54 PM
I remember standing in the back of a comedy club while the crowd filed out after a Jeff Dunham show. A lady told her friend "That first puppet wasn't that funny, but that SECOND puppet..."
Anyway, the news: "Grok apologizes"
Anyway, the news: "Grok apologizes"
Not me. I need the bluetooths on my Keurig and my vape to be able to connect for some soon-to-be-revealed scenario (My Keurig decides it wants to vape)
Generally speaking I don't want my items to be Futuristic, I want them to work
January 2, 2026 at 4:34 PM
Not me. I need the bluetooths on my Keurig and my vape to be able to connect for some soon-to-be-revealed scenario (My Keurig decides it wants to vape)
Taking an-entire-Army-battalion-with-a-hangover’s dose of aspirin every morning because I want nice thin blood
January 1, 2026 at 5:27 PM
Taking an-entire-Army-battalion-with-a-hangover’s dose of aspirin every morning because I want nice thin blood
My takeaway from the WSJ piece on Trump's various self-imposed wasting diseases is that if you told him about James Garfield being treated with beef extract fed through his anus there's an 80% chance he'd demand it
January 1, 2026 at 5:20 PM
My takeaway from the WSJ piece on Trump's various self-imposed wasting diseases is that if you told him about James Garfield being treated with beef extract fed through his anus there's an 80% chance he'd demand it
A guy with a degree in dance spent last night getting his Ninja Turtle costume sniffed by a bomb dog so he could cry inside the head during this, how was your night
Vanilla Ice performing with a dancing Ninja Turtle at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago New Year’s Eve party
January 1, 2026 at 4:56 PM
A guy with a degree in dance spent last night getting his Ninja Turtle costume sniffed by a bomb dog so he could cry inside the head during this, how was your night
Almost had a stroke recently when I saw an AI nostalgia video for 2012. Yes we must retvrn to the year 'Skyfall' and 'Sexy and I Know It' came out. I'm sorry but you can't be wistful about a year I still have most of my same clothes from
i assume a lot has been written on what appears to be a strong intersection between nostalgia and reaction but what i love is the new strain of nostalgia for AI slop images remixing a commoditized past that most of these people never experienced and in fact mostly never existed
Fascists truly cannot distinguish fiction from reality
This has ELEVEN THOUSAND likes on the hellsite
This has ELEVEN THOUSAND likes on the hellsite
December 30, 2025 at 4:19 PM
Almost had a stroke recently when I saw an AI nostalgia video for 2012. Yes we must retvrn to the year 'Skyfall' and 'Sexy and I Know It' came out. I'm sorry but you can't be wistful about a year I still have most of my same clothes from