I wish we had another chance

even if not for me

for my headmates

they deserve better than this life

they havent even been able to live most of it

trapped away hiding from the pain

I wish they could have been happy

all of them

could I have found love without it being haunted by the trauma of witnessing our suffering

giving PTSD to everyone around us as our body fails and they watch us suffer

being able to fall in love without caveats, without warnings

without constantly worrying about traumatising the ones i love most

could the kids have had a longer lasting safer space to process what happened to us

to heal without whole new traumas and pain hitting them every time they come out.

i wish they could have grown and healed and flourished

now i cant even consider the possibility of them processing our death

would we have transitioned earlier, with less on our plate?

would we have done more with it?

phone calls every day and i have so little energy to speak it just leaves me with a raspy croak, misgendered no matter what

bottom hasn't ever even been considered, too impossible and far away

it makes me wonder

how many others before me died years early unnecessarily from the same process

how many more will go through the same

fuck everyone in this government and agency

the blood of thousands is on your hands

#NEISvoid #pwME

ok yeah this feels weird those are definitely not my thoughts and memories I'm feeling rn

i might take my pain meds today at a low dose and see if that makes it easier for her I guess

id like to have her around more long term if possible

and now it's all gone

memory gaps are back

i dont often feel their presence in co con

i don't find their notes and messages anymore

i only have traces of memories from years ago

they probably arent even aware of how sick we are

they dont know what has happened, where its headed, we are dying

wish i wasnt alone in this

years and years of working with therapy and inpatient psych stays to try and figure out what was wrong with me and to make us functional together

we were finally able to exist well together, communicating everything

even my partner at the time was well known to everyone

i havent met any other ppl with functional diagnosed forms of plurality who also have severe M.E. before

maybe this is just normal and expected once you pass a certain threshold of sick

when your mind is barely conscious, changing segments to switch might just be too much to ask

#NEISvoid
#pwME

all the kids, amanda, skye, leif, spike

hell, even suki

Zoe has been around a bit, but usually only for very short bursts to help with others or short tasks for me

this life is too painful for them all

i wish all the pain could go away so they could come back

it shouldnt be a surprise that my headmates started fronting less and less after each big decline, despite being very active before

i guess im just better able to cope with living with the constant pain and discomfort and boredom

i miss them all

I'm not sure but there is a lot of other terms that get crossed over

a lot to do with identity and accepting something as you and being open with that

the day i realised i could be ok with accepting using a wheelchair basically everywhere was so so so similar to finally "cracking" gender wise

she even knew what i was talking about when i mentioned that i build model kits to keep me occupied, recognising the gundams in the background

so that's cool

usually whenever i get medical ppl visiting me at home they always ask what they all are and seem a little confused

the format was set up so each round you would go against someone who had won the same amount

so each time it was a better opponent

but i still managed to pull it off, and that makes me happy

knowing I'm not all gone

its like going from living with a slightly above average housemate to no one at all

you get used to the company, the good, the bad, the annoying

they're still there, around

when you get used to that, them disappearing gets really hard

especially when im not very good at a lot of things they were