nvm took the day off thanks mom
not happy about not being paid but whatever i guess at least this avoids a breakdown in a loud place overflowing with people
bread and water soup for a year will make up for the lost funds

barely sleeping + anxiety attack before what is consistently the most stressful day of the week is fun

im just so tired and this is all before i even consider the fact that the world is crumbling around me. the only thing i know that i definitively want to do is to at some point manage to live together with my partner.

i miss having passion for things beyond whatever im currently hyperfixated on

dead-end job that Hurts. medical conditions that only get worse. getting an education is pointless because nowhere hires. i don't really enjoy much anymore. reading is cool. games aren't that fun. i lack the inspiration or drive for art or writing.

cus like, that shit motivates me dude!!! and i think generally a personal touch is good. the old adage of "writer's barely disguised kink" n whatever

is any of this even understandable im really tired lol

really need to learn how to channel that highly personal energy into a thing. whenever i write something gay that i'm passionate about it's always because it has a piece of my soul within it. i find stuff really engaging when it appeals to me and i gotta try to write more stuff that appeals to me

i could continue to complain but i recognize this, too, is asinine. my energy would be much better spent doing literally anything but complaining about him.

cant a girl unwind from work by reading a lil holmesduck and not addressing her responsibilities. i get i've done exactly that for like 2+ months at this point and i really need to address things but. still. god

but it's just nebulous adult problems that mean nothing to him and i'm just an asshole!

really do not need a guy like that in my life right now

guy who claims mental instability as his reason to not give a shit about anything and to justify his constant assholery, all whilst doing nothing to try and help himself and having seemingly asinine problems and refusing to understand others'

your response to me continuing to not answer you after you learn that i have been pushed to the brink by circumstances as of late, is to continue being an ass? wonderful

i will probably settle the score and then try to pull away as much as is reasonable whilst still being friends because fuck this

i should Go Outside maybe

(that is HS's weird and intentionally obtuse inventory management system, for the uninitiated)

sincerely hope everything turns out okay

like okay sure i'm getting to a point where some nights i only sleep 1 hour but still holy fuck. i feel i've kinda poorly utilized my time off by sleeping in the day and then kinda spacing out for most of the night because i don't have the energy to do stuff / dont wanna commit to stuff

or perhaps i will due to the fact that any and all motivation i actually had is now gone LMAO the monkey's paw curls yet again