for rather embarrassing monologues like this

dah, too much to think about for now @.@

but genuinely, i'm okay, i guess just feeling lonely but that never got the best of me so far

i guess I'm overthinking things and like... friends are just people you can talk to...

rn just talking to a void and a void sometimes is just the friend you need

smart enough for a science high school-- hell, even the top state university system in my country!

Do I feel like a fraud? Is this what's it about? My self image is not matching with what I think people think of me when i'm viewed in a lens of "some credit" rather than "no credit" ???

I think I know now-- man, something about having honor or something to be proud of, or something to prove myself with... I... got nothing.

Something happened when I was growing up that bled into this mindset and that started when I started not being an honor student despite still being--

and maybe finally start opening up myself more

I can finally focus on a job by this year, on June I guess.

... Man, this was about my thoughts on about being closed off but it always goes back to being stuck college-- see what I mean by how this is affecting me mentally ugh 😮‍💨 but i'm close, so so close I can taste freedom soon...

but for reasons that... I'm still in college after nearly 7 years... it's such a burden on my back all I felt is shame and I couldn't give out more love that I so wanted to show...

it really just... took a toll on me.

I'm close to graduating now. Just 1 course left and the thesis.

and I feel I'm set that the only people who can truly get to know me would be the one person I love and... I guess my own future child when that time comes.

I kind of failed on the "one person i love" thing though..,., I ended up still closing myself off...

but that's sad because that's how I operate and it's a case of kinda "treat others as how you'd treat yourself" or something like that

but honestly, people aren't that mean actually! like, majority.

like, what am I so afraid of? hm... I feel like... as much as I don't want to think of it like that, it's probably I'm conscious about how other people view me, I guess...? Like, I'd rather they know nothing about me than know something and judge me based on that thing I show or let them know...?

ironically, posting it in public like this, but also, no one follows me anyhow lmao and that's intentional, I just want to treat this as a public diary of sorts with no real traceback to me

... anyway, I don't really understand it either...

i only have 1 course to attend but it's unfortunately 3 days a week with 2 lectures and a lab sighhh

or... unless I get a dorm maybe ? so I won't have to worry about commuting and online work won't be so disrupted

ayo an of bot liked that the second i posted that wtf 😭