Like, I could do a few hours of delivery now, but there's no bonus on Monday, I wouldn't make minimum wage, and it makes me want to kill myself. I received some good advice about my CV but haven't put it into practice yet because...I'd rather just sit here rotting?

I may take you up on that, gratefully. I will DM you later after I've done the necessary once-over after yesterday's rejections.

...explain somewhat. Thank you for the message. It did help. Thank you.

...it's rough. Obviously my applications need work. Obviously my civil service profiles aren't cutting the mustard anymore, despite getting me a ton of interviews in the past. It's hard not to feel like I've finally crashed out of jobs one too many times, is all. Sorry. Took the opportunity to...

And that counts for a lot, in people's eyes. It counts for an awful lot, even outside of the salary. So it's hard. I went through it a lot tonight - getting a pretty damning assessment from an HEO MGCLG job and getting denied min. wage (but at least *actual*) jobs like Royal Mail...

And because being trans and working in Parliament, in the current climate? Didn't seem appealing (though it was only ever a problem 2 times, in 6 years working there). But I see the way people look at me now, the way they pass my over - I have no Interesting Job to talk about

I keep thinking about when I (stupidly) applied for a senior clerk job again in 2023, and bizarrely got offered it (it was a weird process...I think possibly somebody who knew my name pulled a string). I turned it down, because...well, I got scared I would go mad again.

that's very kind of you to say so, thank you. It's just hard - every year since leaving London and working for the Commons, my salary has decreased, until hitting rock bottom now - scraping less than min. wage delivering food. I just miss having work I could be proud of.

I need to be admired. I used to be. I have a creative, inquisitive soul. I love to learn, I love to create. I am trying not to fall into the pit. I don't need help, I just need people to bear with me.

I am trying to make more friends. But people can feel this sadness I am carrying. I know it. More and more I feel on the edge of tears. After my food courier shift yesterday I just broke down sobbing. I cannot live like this. I need love, closeness. I need people to want to be around me.

I am trying to be outgoing, confident. The thing is, I /am/. But I am carrying this heavy, heavy weight. And it shows.

This was today. Was going for coffee with a new friend I met on twitter. I was trying to be normal. But I am holding so much sadness in me right now it is very difficult to be normal. I am hyper-aware of every coldness, every moment that indicates I have done something wrong.