Scott Clevenger
@scottclevenger.bsky.social
Author. Co-host of The Slumgullion podcast. Hypocritical screenwriter. I write mean but funny movie reviews at Better Living Through Bad Movies: https://clevenger.substack.com
HER: Hello?! HELLO?? I think a bloody Desi Arnaz is outside my window! Please send someone right away!
VOICE ON PHONE: Ma'm, this is a Wendy's.
HER: I know, he looks hungry. Oh, and I'll take the Baconator® Combo with a medium vanilla Frosty.
VOICE ON PHONE: Ma'm, this is a Wendy's.
HER: I know, he looks hungry. Oh, and I'll take the Baconator® Combo with a medium vanilla Frosty.
November 30, 2025 at 8:26 PM
HER: Hello?! HELLO?? I think a bloody Desi Arnaz is outside my window! Please send someone right away!
VOICE ON PHONE: Ma'm, this is a Wendy's.
HER: I know, he looks hungry. Oh, and I'll take the Baconator® Combo with a medium vanilla Frosty.
VOICE ON PHONE: Ma'm, this is a Wendy's.
HER: I know, he looks hungry. Oh, and I'll take the Baconator® Combo with a medium vanilla Frosty.
"Ultraman, look out! A hostile species of alien Blancmange has landed on earth!"
"Yeah, so I noticed..."
"AND THEY MEAN TO WIN WIMBLETON!"
"Yeah, so I noticed..."
"AND THEY MEAN TO WIN WIMBLETON!"
November 30, 2025 at 5:31 PM
"Ultraman, look out! A hostile species of alien Blancmange has landed on earth!"
"Yeah, so I noticed..."
"AND THEY MEAN TO WIN WIMBLETON!"
"Yeah, so I noticed..."
"AND THEY MEAN TO WIN WIMBLETON!"
HIM: Oh no! I'm so SAD! I can't go on...!
HER: What the hell's your problem?
HIM: Artax is sinking into the Swamp of Sadness!
HER: It's a steer and I've already got a rope on it. It's fine.
HIM: (SOBS PITEOUSLY)
HER: Bob. Seriously. You gotta stop pulling this shit every time a cow slips in the mud.
HER: What the hell's your problem?
HIM: Artax is sinking into the Swamp of Sadness!
HER: It's a steer and I've already got a rope on it. It's fine.
HIM: (SOBS PITEOUSLY)
HER: Bob. Seriously. You gotta stop pulling this shit every time a cow slips in the mud.
November 29, 2025 at 5:17 PM
HIM: Oh no! I'm so SAD! I can't go on...!
HER: What the hell's your problem?
HIM: Artax is sinking into the Swamp of Sadness!
HER: It's a steer and I've already got a rope on it. It's fine.
HIM: (SOBS PITEOUSLY)
HER: Bob. Seriously. You gotta stop pulling this shit every time a cow slips in the mud.
HER: What the hell's your problem?
HIM: Artax is sinking into the Swamp of Sadness!
HER: It's a steer and I've already got a rope on it. It's fine.
HIM: (SOBS PITEOUSLY)
HER: Bob. Seriously. You gotta stop pulling this shit every time a cow slips in the mud.
How do you handle a Hungry Man? Ordinarily Joan would go with one of the Manhandlers--perhaps Campbell's Hearty Split Pea Soup with Ham--but Gordon was a disembodied celestial being who fed exclusively upon dark matter and nip slips.
November 28, 2025 at 2:27 PM
How do you handle a Hungry Man? Ordinarily Joan would go with one of the Manhandlers--perhaps Campbell's Hearty Split Pea Soup with Ham--but Gordon was a disembodied celestial being who fed exclusively upon dark matter and nip slips.
JUDY: Wait...so they give you drugs to make you GAIN weight? No, those aren't like the pills I get from Mr. Mayer at ALL...
November 28, 2025 at 5:24 AM
JUDY: Wait...so they give you drugs to make you GAIN weight? No, those aren't like the pills I get from Mr. Mayer at ALL...
"Say, I wonder if I left that Jiffy Pop on the sto--OH MY GOD!"
November 27, 2025 at 5:07 PM
"Say, I wonder if I left that Jiffy Pop on the sto--OH MY GOD!"
IS YOUR TURKEY A "NEVER NUDE"?
Don't let your bird get goosebumps! Or self-conscious. Cover its shame with the new Pillsbury Turkey Dicky, complete with French Cuffs and Bake-On Bowtie®!
Don't let your bird get goosebumps! Or self-conscious. Cover its shame with the new Pillsbury Turkey Dicky, complete with French Cuffs and Bake-On Bowtie®!
November 27, 2025 at 2:16 AM
IS YOUR TURKEY A "NEVER NUDE"?
Don't let your bird get goosebumps! Or self-conscious. Cover its shame with the new Pillsbury Turkey Dicky, complete with French Cuffs and Bake-On Bowtie®!
Don't let your bird get goosebumps! Or self-conscious. Cover its shame with the new Pillsbury Turkey Dicky, complete with French Cuffs and Bake-On Bowtie®!
"So you were homeschooled, huh? Did you take all the same classes?"
"Yep."
"Even P.E.?"
"Of course!"
"And was Sex Ed the same?"
"Uh...Well..."
"Yep."
"Even P.E.?"
"Of course!"
"And was Sex Ed the same?"
"Uh...Well..."
November 26, 2025 at 3:54 PM
"So you were homeschooled, huh? Did you take all the same classes?"
"Yep."
"Even P.E.?"
"Of course!"
"And was Sex Ed the same?"
"Uh...Well..."
"Yep."
"Even P.E.?"
"Of course!"
"And was Sex Ed the same?"
"Uh...Well..."
BABE: Shhh! Look boys...Lou Gehrig, nibbling on the underbrush. Okay, this is it...Wait'll he emerges completely from cover, then get a good bead. Don't rush. Exhale slowly as you pull the trigger. Remember, a first baseman has to be taken with ONE SHOT...
November 25, 2025 at 4:40 PM
BABE: Shhh! Look boys...Lou Gehrig, nibbling on the underbrush. Okay, this is it...Wait'll he emerges completely from cover, then get a good bead. Don't rush. Exhale slowly as you pull the trigger. Remember, a first baseman has to be taken with ONE SHOT...
HER: I've been putting off asphyxiating my husband in his sleep until the grocer started selling those expensive cling wraps at wax paper prices, and finally that day has come! And with clear, See-Thru™ Handi-Wrap, not only will he die, but now you can watch it happen!
November 24, 2025 at 9:24 PM
HER: I've been putting off asphyxiating my husband in his sleep until the grocer started selling those expensive cling wraps at wax paper prices, and finally that day has come! And with clear, See-Thru™ Handi-Wrap, not only will he die, but now you can watch it happen!
Maybe my father didn't have much to show for a life of hard, honest work, but when he died he passed down his Fonz watch to me. It was Swiss Made, gold-tone, and it was the beginning of our family's accumulation of generational wealth.
November 24, 2025 at 5:23 PM
Maybe my father didn't have much to show for a life of hard, honest work, but when he died he passed down his Fonz watch to me. It was Swiss Made, gold-tone, and it was the beginning of our family's accumulation of generational wealth.
"Oh oh! Looks like Goody Proctor is getting decolonized!"
November 24, 2025 at 2:25 AM
"Oh oh! Looks like Goody Proctor is getting decolonized!"
TEENAGE McDONALD'S WORKER: (HANDS ME MY ORDER, THEN LEANS OUT DRIVE-THRU WINDOW AND WHISPERS) Listen to me, man. There's some shit going on in Japan right now Mickey D don't want you to know about...
November 23, 2025 at 4:51 PM
TEENAGE McDONALD'S WORKER: (HANDS ME MY ORDER, THEN LEANS OUT DRIVE-THRU WINDOW AND WHISPERS) Listen to me, man. There's some shit going on in Japan right now Mickey D don't want you to know about...
"Whaaaa--?? My Día de Muertos Bath Bomb didn't dissolve? I've been RIPPED OFF!"
November 22, 2025 at 9:44 PM
"Whaaaa--?? My Día de Muertos Bath Bomb didn't dissolve? I've been RIPPED OFF!"
Pardon my poison platters!
My pussy pursued payback,
Promising to pick you off promptly!
Perhaps, if properly peppered,
You'd prefer to partake of my personal provender,
This pungent but palatable Pu-Pu platter!
My pussy pursued payback,
Promising to pick you off promptly!
Perhaps, if properly peppered,
You'd prefer to partake of my personal provender,
This pungent but palatable Pu-Pu platter!
November 22, 2025 at 4:55 PM
Pardon my poison platters!
My pussy pursued payback,
Promising to pick you off promptly!
Perhaps, if properly peppered,
You'd prefer to partake of my personal provender,
This pungent but palatable Pu-Pu platter!
My pussy pursued payback,
Promising to pick you off promptly!
Perhaps, if properly peppered,
You'd prefer to partake of my personal provender,
This pungent but palatable Pu-Pu platter!
On those rare days when men came to Themiscyra (to do the lawn care, read the meter, or haul away the recycling) Wonder Woman had to turn her logo upside down.
November 21, 2025 at 5:45 PM
On those rare days when men came to Themiscyra (to do the lawn care, read the meter, or haul away the recycling) Wonder Woman had to turn her logo upside down.
"Breakout From the All-Girl Stalag 1140"
There's more to the story than bare-breasted women escaping Nazis on a log. Look closely: all the girls from the All-Girl Stalag are all the SAME GIRL. The REAL story is "How the Allies Harassed Hitler with With Betty's Braless Clones!"
There's more to the story than bare-breasted women escaping Nazis on a log. Look closely: all the girls from the All-Girl Stalag are all the SAME GIRL. The REAL story is "How the Allies Harassed Hitler with With Betty's Braless Clones!"
November 20, 2025 at 5:21 PM
"Breakout From the All-Girl Stalag 1140"
There's more to the story than bare-breasted women escaping Nazis on a log. Look closely: all the girls from the All-Girl Stalag are all the SAME GIRL. The REAL story is "How the Allies Harassed Hitler with With Betty's Braless Clones!"
There's more to the story than bare-breasted women escaping Nazis on a log. Look closely: all the girls from the All-Girl Stalag are all the SAME GIRL. The REAL story is "How the Allies Harassed Hitler with With Betty's Braless Clones!"
This child made that mistake. He opened his big mouth and flaunted his faux filet. Which is why, moments later, he was devoured in a hangry rage by Jack Klugman. Let this be a lesson, and remember the "Umm" in "Steak-Umm" stands for "Umm...Maybe don't tease Quincy with your tubesteak!"
November 19, 2025 at 9:29 PM
This child made that mistake. He opened his big mouth and flaunted his faux filet. Which is why, moments later, he was devoured in a hangry rage by Jack Klugman. Let this be a lesson, and remember the "Umm" in "Steak-Umm" stands for "Umm...Maybe don't tease Quincy with your tubesteak!"
A photo coincidentally snapped two seconds before Grandma was crushed by the trolley. Why we keep this on the mantle I'll never know.
November 19, 2025 at 6:12 PM
A photo coincidentally snapped two seconds before Grandma was crushed by the trolley. Why we keep this on the mantle I'll never know.
Now I add the steel carapace, and my armored Angel Food Cake is ready to fight Betty's Devil's Food Cake to the DEATH, turning the Desserts table at the Lutheran Bake Sale into a cosmic battlefield between Good and Evil that shall decide the fate of Mankind and the UNIVERSE!
(Serves 8-12)
(Serves 8-12)
November 18, 2025 at 6:55 PM
Now I add the steel carapace, and my armored Angel Food Cake is ready to fight Betty's Devil's Food Cake to the DEATH, turning the Desserts table at the Lutheran Bake Sale into a cosmic battlefield between Good and Evil that shall decide the fate of Mankind and the UNIVERSE!
(Serves 8-12)
(Serves 8-12)
"HOLD IT!"
"Don't shoot, Jack, it's me! I'm just getting your anal beads."
"But...why'd you put 'em in the SAFE?"
"Because you complained when I kept them in the freezer."
"Oh, right. Well...ok. But this time don't pull 'em out like you're trying to start a lawnmower."
"Don't shoot, Jack, it's me! I'm just getting your anal beads."
"But...why'd you put 'em in the SAFE?"
"Because you complained when I kept them in the freezer."
"Oh, right. Well...ok. But this time don't pull 'em out like you're trying to start a lawnmower."
November 18, 2025 at 5:26 PM
"HOLD IT!"
"Don't shoot, Jack, it's me! I'm just getting your anal beads."
"But...why'd you put 'em in the SAFE?"
"Because you complained when I kept them in the freezer."
"Oh, right. Well...ok. But this time don't pull 'em out like you're trying to start a lawnmower."
"Don't shoot, Jack, it's me! I'm just getting your anal beads."
"But...why'd you put 'em in the SAFE?"
"Because you complained when I kept them in the freezer."
"Oh, right. Well...ok. But this time don't pull 'em out like you're trying to start a lawnmower."
REDHEAD: Is this to be our end? The last two members of the Prince Valiant Hair Club for Men, fighting against hopeless odds! But I WILL! NOT! YIELD! You'll get my blunt cut Pageboy when you scalp it from my cold dead head!
GRAYHAIR: This is why everyone else quit, Rick. You're too intense.
GRAYHAIR: This is why everyone else quit, Rick. You're too intense.
November 17, 2025 at 1:53 PM
REDHEAD: Is this to be our end? The last two members of the Prince Valiant Hair Club for Men, fighting against hopeless odds! But I WILL! NOT! YIELD! You'll get my blunt cut Pageboy when you scalp it from my cold dead head!
GRAYHAIR: This is why everyone else quit, Rick. You're too intense.
GRAYHAIR: This is why everyone else quit, Rick. You're too intense.
It was just another day at the office for...
TRIXIE DIXON, METAPHYSICAL PROCESS SERVER!
TRIXIE DIXON, METAPHYSICAL PROCESS SERVER!
November 17, 2025 at 1:54 AM
It was just another day at the office for...
TRIXIE DIXON, METAPHYSICAL PROCESS SERVER!
TRIXIE DIXON, METAPHYSICAL PROCESS SERVER!
Same as I did with veal, I stopped eating lobster bisque once I found out how they harvest it.
November 16, 2025 at 4:50 PM
Same as I did with veal, I stopped eating lobster bisque once I found out how they harvest it.
KAREN: What the--? YOU'RE not the Angel of Death?
MARK: No, I'm Mark, of Death, Inc. Heaven privatized its soul harvesting operations.
KAREN: Well you're not supposed to KILL me! You wait until I die naturally, then collect my soul.
MARK: Yeah but see, I work on commission…
MARK: No, I'm Mark, of Death, Inc. Heaven privatized its soul harvesting operations.
KAREN: Well you're not supposed to KILL me! You wait until I die naturally, then collect my soul.
MARK: Yeah but see, I work on commission…
November 15, 2025 at 6:00 PM
KAREN: What the--? YOU'RE not the Angel of Death?
MARK: No, I'm Mark, of Death, Inc. Heaven privatized its soul harvesting operations.
KAREN: Well you're not supposed to KILL me! You wait until I die naturally, then collect my soul.
MARK: Yeah but see, I work on commission…
MARK: No, I'm Mark, of Death, Inc. Heaven privatized its soul harvesting operations.
KAREN: Well you're not supposed to KILL me! You wait until I die naturally, then collect my soul.
MARK: Yeah but see, I work on commission…