Sir Michael
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sirmichael.bsky.social
Sir Michael
@sirmichael.bsky.social
17K followers 230 following 2.1K posts
Creator of the Sturdy Wheelbarrows podcast and the grandson who continues to be persecuted for wearing jean shorts to his grandad's funeral :(
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sirmichael.bsky.social
Public statement regarding recent events
PRESS RELEASE Sir Michael Responds to Criticism of Recent Lee Harvey Oswald Biography I wish to address the controversy surrounding my recent biography of Lee Harvey Oswald. I believe the book to be a tour de force, with some fascinating insights into his life. Unfortunately critics and readers strongly disagree, with many calling it “the worst book ever written” and “the work of an idiot.” Amongst the cruel jibes, one criticism in particular has been repeatedly raised: “Why on earth does he make absolutely no mention of the JFK assassination in a biography of Lee Harvey Oswald?” My response is simple. I made the decision not to mention the JFK assassination for the same reason I chose not to mention the Titanic in my biography of Captain Edward Smith: I just don't see how these events are relevant. Lots of things happen in the course of a person's life and it would be impossible for me to include absolutely everything. I chose to focus on other things instead, such as Oswald's penchant for cinema and Smith's impressive facial hair, and I stand by those choices. I hope this draws a line under the controversy once and for all as I will not be commenting further on this matter. It is time to look forward, not backwards. Speaking of which, I am excited to announce the release of my next biography, which is a detailed look at the life of Napoleon Bonaparte. It will be released in the autumn and I am pleased to report that it contains no mentions of Waterloo, the retreat from Moscow or either of his two exiles. I did not consider any of these events important enough to supplant the sixteen chapters I've written about his taste in headwear.
February 4, 2026 at 8:55 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Never forget that manners cost nothing. If you see a business advertising a job and you don't want it, do the right thing and let them know. Businesses always appreciate knowing who's not available to appoint.
January 29, 2026 at 8:40 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Want to know if your brother is on a horse or not? These are the signs to look for.
How to Tell if Your Brother is on a Horse 1. Look through your brother's bank statements and see if he has recently hired or purchased a horse. If he has, the chances of him now being on a horse just increased considerably. 2. Check where your brother's feet currently are in relation to the ground. If they're a few feet off the ground and separated by the width of a horse, there is a chance he might be on a horse. 3. Sneak into your brother's bedroom and read his diary. If last night's entry mentions that he's got a horseriding appointment today, there is a strong possibility that your brother is now on a horse. 4. Ask your brother if he'd mind you sitting directly behind him. If he says "no, there's enough room for both of us on this horse," that could be a sign that he is currently on a horse.
January 26, 2026 at 8:26 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Self-help books are popular. Cookbooks are popular. So if I can combine the two, I will undoubtedly become the most successful author of all-time. Here's my first recipe
Turkey, Spinach and Ricotta Lasagne Serves: 2-3 Preparation time: 10 minutes Cooking time: 20 minutes Ingredients: avocado oil, 1 small onion (chopped finely) 2-3 garlic cloves (chopped finely), 100g frozen spinach, 1 free-range egg (beaten), 5000g turkey mince, 100g ricotta, 200g lasagne sheets, 300ml tomato pasta sauce, 50g grated cheese, sea salt and black pepper 1. Begin to heat the tomato sauce in a saucepan on a low heat. 2. Add the avocado oil to a frying pan on high heat and cook the onions until translucent. 3. Next, add the garlic for 2 minutes and then add 5000g of turkey mince. 4. Next, ask yourself if the preceding instructions sound right. They don't, do they? 5000g of turkey mince is insane. And why are you cooking the sauce first? And do you really think you can make lasagne in 30 minutes? That's ridiculous. These are clearly not helpful instructions so why have you been following them? 5. Have you always been someone who blindly follows instructions from people who claim to know what they're doing? Do you think this stems from the relationship you had with one or both of your parents? Do you have a history of subjugating yourself to people you view as authority figures? Recommendation: Forget about making lasagne and work on your assertiveness instead. You are your own person but you're letting other people control your life. Make lasagne later. Start making the new you now.
January 22, 2026 at 8:25 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Not quite but it did manage a very creditable second place at the end of 2025 so 11th place fans are very excited about what the future might hold
January 19, 2026 at 9:07 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
It's time to settle this age-old debate once and for all with a careful analysis of the facts
January 19, 2026 at 8:37 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Everyone wants to know what strategy I'd use to win if I was cast on The Traitors. Well, that depends on whether I was a traitor or a faithful but I am confident I have the perfect plan to win as either
My Foolproof Strategy to Win The Traitors (as a traitor) I would wear a green traitors' cloak to breakfast one morning. But doesn't that make me look like a traitor? Absolutely not because I would then reveal that it's a knock-off cloak which I bought from a dubious street vendor nicknamed Contraband Craig. I would then take out my real traitors' cloak and compare the stitching of the two garments, proving beyond doubt that the knock-off cloak is a bootleg. This would throw my fellow players off the scent because they would assume that an actual traitor has no need to purchase an inferior quality cloak on the black market. I would then put both cloaks away and march serenely to victory. Afterwards, I would donate a significant portion of my prize money to Contraband Craig so that he can finally go legit. My Foolproof Strategy to Win The Traitors (as a faithful) I would refuse to tell my fellow players my name. If my name cannot be written down, I cannot be banished or murdered. “But couldn't they just write a description of you instead?” you ask. No, they couldn't because I would be constantly changing my appearance. If someone writes down on their board, “the weird guy who's dressed as Abraham Lincoln and carries a huge bag of disguises with him at all times,” I will simply remove my stovepipe hat and replace it with a beanie (a hat that has no association with Abraham Lincoln whatsoever) and that person's vote will be discounted. Afterwards, I would donate a significant portion of my prize money to a street vendor named Contraband Craig as a way of thanking him for selling me hundreds of bootleg costumes at a suspiciously low price.
January 15, 2026 at 7:47 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Cloud computing is the technology of the future so you need to understand it if you want to succeed in business. Here are the 6 facts you need to know
Cloud Computing The 6 Facts You Need to Know 1. To understand, cloud computing, think of a briefcase with dozens of files in it. Just imagine what that would look like. Got it? Good! Well, cloud computing is the exact opposite of that. 2. Several moderately successful businesspeople use cloud computing, including a landscape gardener in Estonia and a guy I went to school with who sometimes wears a hat. 3. Some experts predict that by the year 2100, over TWO HUNDRED different files will be stored on the cloud! 4. Peregrine falcons are the fastest creatures on Earth and can travel at 200 miles per hour. 5. Sorry, I accidentally pasted a fact about peregrine falcons into number 4 and I don't know how to delete it. That was intended for a different project that I'm working on about peregrine falcons. It is not related to cloud computing so please disregard. 6. The mix-up with the peregrine falcon fact has caused me to lose my train of thought and I have now forgotten what the final fact was going to be. Sorry about that. Hopefully I will remember it soon.
January 11, 2026 at 8:17 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
There are 6 known facts about every animal (except dolphins, for which there are only 5). Here are the horse facts
Horses: The 6 Facts You Need to Know 1. The fastest thing in the world is either the speed of light or a horse. Scientists have not been able to determine which is faster yet because they are both very fast. 2. A horse can run faster than a man. Therefore, getting a piggyback from a man will not fully prepare you for the speed of horseriding. 3. Most horses are unable to read so if you wish to communicate with a horse, don't waste your time writing a note or sending an email. 4. The majority of horses have no concept of time. So if a horse neglects to wish you happy birthday or happy Christmas, don't take it personally. 5. I heard a rumour once which claimed that horses have x-ray vision and it enables them to see through 3 layers of clothing. I don't know if it's true but I always wear 4 layers of clothes when there are horses around, just to be on the safe side. 6. Horses struggle to walk up and down flights of stairs so if you need something from upstairs, it's faster to get it yourself.
January 6, 2026 at 9:00 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Trying to decide what to watch over the weekend? Hopefully my review of some of the biggest movies of the last twelve months can help 👍
Michael's Movie Reviews for 2025 - One Battle After Another Review: Didn't get a chance to see this one unfortunately. Rating out of 9: n/a - Avatar: Fire and Ash Review: Hadn't see the previous Avatars so didn't feel ready to watch this one yet. Rating out of 9: n/a - 28 Years Later Review: Was going to watch this but did something else instead. Rating out of 9: n/a - Sinners Review: Saw an ad for this but didn't see the actual film itself. Rating out of 9: n/a - Mission Impossible: The Final Reckoning Review: Wasn't interested in watching this one, tbh, so I didn't. Rating out of 9: n/a - Weapons Review: Meant to watch this but then I forgot to. Rating out of 9: n/a - F1: The Movie Review: Good idea to make a film about a keyboard button but haven't seen it yet. Rating out of 9: n/a - Superman Review: Planned on watching this today but decided to write this review instead. Rating out of 9: n/a
January 2, 2026 at 6:37 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
The numbers are in and I can finally reveal the end-of-year stats for 2025:

- Congrats to fans of the Assassination of Julius Caesar! 🗡️🏆
- 11th place up to 2nd place ⬆️
- Pompeii vs Mt Vesuvius makes the top 4 🌋
- The human ear finishes in Jth 👂
- Enthusiasm/Shoes finally makes it into the top 9b 🤯
December 31, 2025 at 7:27 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Just been reading back over my resolutions for 2025 and it looks like this has been a very successful year for me!
Michael's New Year's Resolutions for 2025 - Don't hold any large pieces of furniture above my head for more than 8 hours at a time ✅ - Avoid getting trapped in a submarine with a celebrity horse ✅ - Say the word “the” at least once during July ✅ - Don't cross the Indian Ocean unaided ✅ - Try not to discover any new planets and/or galaxies ✅ - Refrain from interfering in the trade negotiations between Canada and the Mercosur bloc ✅
December 28, 2025 at 8:15 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
If I was the manager of a hotel, I'd offer visitors an extensive range of Do Not Disturb door signs which include exceptions for very specific occasions
Four hotel door signs. The first one is red and reads, "DO NOT DISTURB (unless you bring good news regarding my nephew's battle with athlete's foot. It would make my day to hear that his feet are less itchy than they have been in recent months)" The second one is blue and reads, "DO NOT DISTURB (unless you've just seen a really cool cloud formation and you think I'd like to check it out. In that case, I don't mind being disturbed at all)" The third one is green (I think - I'm extremely colourblind so I'm not certain) and reads, "DO NOT DISTURB (unless there's a local production of Grease that's about to go on stage but the actor playing Danny Zuko is ill and the director thinks I'd be an ideal stand-in. In that case, let me know at once)" The fourth one is maybe purple (again, very colourblind) and reads, "DO NOT DISTURB (unless you have evidence that clears my name of suspicion in The Case of The Hat Bandit, in which several hats were stolen from the heads of people in my town between 2001 and 2005. It has never been solved).
December 16, 2025 at 8:05 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Hopefully I've made it more relatable
December 4, 2025 at 8:32 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Tech Tip

Ever wondered how to password-protect a document? No problem! Here's a tech tip that will keep your confidential information secure from prying eyes 👍
December 1, 2025 at 8:23 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Home Alone was a pretty successful film. But could it have been even more successful? With these 8 simple changes, I believe so, yes.
Changes I Would Make to Home Alone 1. The film would be set in the summer (there are more than enough Christmas films already). 2. Instead of being left home alone, Kevin would accompany his family on their trip. 3. To ensure the title of the film is still relevant, I would change the family surname to Homealone. 4. Instead of being a child (not relatable for adult audiences), Kevin Homealone would be an adult (relatable for adult audiences). 5. The Wet Bandits would be children, who have not yet turned to crime. They have no role in the film and are never mentioned. It is unclear why they are called The Wet Bandits. 6. At their Airbnb, the Homealones discover a recently deceased body. 7. For convoluted reasons, they have to pretend that the corpse is alive so they put sunglasses on it, which somehow fools everyone. 8. The rest of the film plays out exactly like Weekend at Bernie's.
November 27, 2025 at 7:44 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
The Sopranos was a popular TV show but with a few changes, I believe it could have been even more popular. Here are the changes I would make
Changes I Would Make to The Sopranos 1. Tone down the violence. Not necessary. 2. Lose the swearing. Viewers don't want to hear that sort of thing. This could be done by having the opening scene involve Tony and his friends agreeing to a “No Swearing” challenge. 3. Drop the mafia stuff. Doesn't add anything to the story. 4. Instead, Tony manages a reputable shoe shop. 5. No guns. The manager of a reputable shoe shop has no use for weapons. 6. Tony's surname should also be Tony. This would make it easier for viewers to remember his full name. 7. The main storyline could be about the challenges of running a physical shoe shop in the age of online shopping. 8. Tony's best friends should all be sopranos in a local choir so that the title of the show makes sense. 9. Every episode ends with the choir singing a lovely song about their friend Tony Tony.
November 18, 2025 at 7:39 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
I enjoy the TV show The Traitors. But I believe there are ways to make it even better. Here are my ideas:
Ideas to Make The Traitors Even Better - Each of the players who are selected as traitors will wear a hat at all times. - These hats will have a large letter T embroidered on the front (this will help viewers to remember which players are the traitors). - The faithful players are not permitted to wear a hat. Unless they really want to, in which case they will be allowed to wear a hat which has the letter F embroidered on the front. - Traitors and faithfuls are not allowed to swap hats. - If anyone loses their hat, they must go to the nearby shed to get a new hat. This is The Hat Shed. - Players must wait until they are outside The Hat Shed before they put their new hat on. - Any player who wears a hat inside The Hat Shed will be deducted 1.9 points. - The Hat Shed will close at 10:04pm every night, except on Thursdays when it will close at a slightly different time.
November 12, 2025 at 7:07 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Can you imagine drinking from a cup that DOESN'T exclude horses (1998-2001)?! It would taste like ashes in my mouth.
November 12, 2025 at 5:21 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
If any of you ever wish to avoid attending an event but need an excuse to get out of it, please feel free to use me. Simply complete this form, give it to the person(s) inviting you to said event and you'll be in the clear 👍
Excuse Form Name: Date: Event you cannot attend: I will be unable to attend the above event as I will be participating in the selected event below with my good friend Sir Michael, who, as you can see, has corroborated my claim: - Important business meeting - Unimportant business meeting - Cutting each other's hair - Michael is teaching me a new way to memorise the alphabet - We are thinking of building a treehouse together. It's not definite yet but we're doing some preliminary research on it. - Michael is comforting me about the tragic loss of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago - Trying on each other's shoes The above excuse has been officially corroborated by Sir Michael. Signed: Sir Michael
November 2, 2025 at 3:04 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Here you go. You've got an hour to study it before Traitors
October 29, 2025 at 7:54 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
What do you call THIS, Cathal?? Surely you can't defend this kind of shoddiness??
October 29, 2025 at 7:53 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
It's hard for us to appreciate the true scale of Mount Everest. So to put it in a context that we can all understand, here's a comparison chart showing the height of Mount Everest alongside other tall things
October 15, 2025 at 6:50 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
A former teacher of mine once told me that there are no stupid or unnecessary questions and I carry those words of wisdom with me every day online
October 8, 2025 at 6:18 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Thinking of becoming a successful businessperson? Here's everything you'll need to know
How to Become a Successful Businessperson 1. You need to prove to yourself that you're serious about being a successful businessperson so call your current boss and quit your job. This will focus your mind on becoming a successful businessperson. 2. If you are in a relationship, end it immediately. Tell your partner that you've got business to do and you don't want to be distracted by their attempts to love you. 3. Start your first day the right way - by getting up at lunchtime. This will ensure you feel rested for your first day of business. Also, you'll be up just in time for lunch, which you should try to make a business lunch. 4. Have a long business lunch. At least 5 to 6 hours. If your business lunch lasts less than that, consider having a business snack immediately afterwards. 5. Your first order of business after lunch should be to purchase a new desk. This will be your business desk. If you already have a perfectly good desk, take it outside and burn it. This will ensure there's plenty of room in your house for your new desk. 6. When sitting at your new business desk, think of an ingenious business idea. Not roller skates, though. Someone already thought of that. 7. Once you have thought of your ingenious business idea, find a customer and sell it to them for at least 100 (unless the customer considers that price too high, in which case you should reduce the price to something more affordable). 8. Now that your business is thriving, you have almost made it as a successful businessperson. However, you will need to expand the business to continue being successful. So at this point, consider purchasing a second desk.
October 4, 2025 at 7:57 PM