Lance Carter
@standup-comedy.co.uk
I'm a standup comedian in London, but like one of the bad ones you see when your local pub does a free comedy night and you wish you'd just stayed in and watched Netflix instead.
All of my kids, and a lockable door.
December 2, 2025 at 12:02 PM
All of my kids, and a lockable door.
The festive season is off to a strong start for me.
December 1, 2025 at 2:18 PM
The festive season is off to a strong start for me.
Ugh, fine...
The Prodigy
Faith No More
Soundgarden
Metallica
Guns n Roses
Because I am your basic model gen-x dad.
The Prodigy
Faith No More
Soundgarden
Metallica
Guns n Roses
Because I am your basic model gen-x dad.
everyone's at it
Broadcast
Biosphere
Low
16 Horsepower
New Model Army
Broadcast
Biosphere
Low
16 Horsepower
New Model Army
none of this should come as a surprise to anyone but here we go
new model army
sonic youth
the prodigy (the very same night iirc)
slim cessna's auto club
finntroll
new model army
sonic youth
the prodigy (the very same night iirc)
slim cessna's auto club
finntroll
November 28, 2025 at 8:36 AM
Ugh, fine...
The Prodigy
Faith No More
Soundgarden
Metallica
Guns n Roses
Because I am your basic model gen-x dad.
The Prodigy
Faith No More
Soundgarden
Metallica
Guns n Roses
Because I am your basic model gen-x dad.
I feel like however you pronounce chorizo, somebody is going to be pissy about it.
November 27, 2025 at 9:48 PM
I feel like however you pronounce chorizo, somebody is going to be pissy about it.
Reposted by Lance Carter
Business idea: I come round your house and use my lack of construction skills to turn it into a shithole to own Rachel Reeves.
I will charge a year of mansion tax for the pleasure.
I will charge a year of mansion tax for the pleasure.
November 27, 2025 at 3:44 PM
Business idea: I come round your house and use my lack of construction skills to turn it into a shithole to own Rachel Reeves.
I will charge a year of mansion tax for the pleasure.
I will charge a year of mansion tax for the pleasure.
Wife putting up xmas decorations with the kids. Youngest started secondary school this year, so we agreed to stop doing Elf on a Shelf. She's just got the Elf out its box and told him it was us moving him around every night, all these years. He had no idea, his mind is blown, his innocence crushed.
November 26, 2025 at 2:36 PM
Wife putting up xmas decorations with the kids. Youngest started secondary school this year, so we agreed to stop doing Elf on a Shelf. She's just got the Elf out its box and told him it was us moving him around every night, all these years. He had no idea, his mind is blown, his innocence crushed.
Taxing unhealthy things, like milkshakes, is a genius move because it forces the very poorest in society to become healthier and more miserable.
November 25, 2025 at 4:35 PM
Taxing unhealthy things, like milkshakes, is a genius move because it forces the very poorest in society to become healthier and more miserable.
Just absolutely murdered a bunch of teenagers in Warzone, and feeling great about myself.
November 23, 2025 at 6:17 PM
Just absolutely murdered a bunch of teenagers in Warzone, and feeling great about myself.
This week I've been offered a promotion at work (convinced I was being made redundant), a spot on a gig (didn't even have to apply), and a bowel cancer screening (have to shit in a jar). Life is going great!
November 21, 2025 at 9:27 AM
This week I've been offered a promotion at work (convinced I was being made redundant), a spot on a gig (didn't even have to apply), and a bowel cancer screening (have to shit in a jar). Life is going great!
Amazon "We need a highly relatable Christmas ad this year."
Ad Agency "Got it, how about one with a bloke doing online shopping while he hides in his PANTRY?"
Ad Agency "Got it, how about one with a bloke doing online shopping while he hides in his PANTRY?"
November 20, 2025 at 6:40 PM
Amazon "We need a highly relatable Christmas ad this year."
Ad Agency "Got it, how about one with a bloke doing online shopping while he hides in his PANTRY?"
Ad Agency "Got it, how about one with a bloke doing online shopping while he hides in his PANTRY?"
The worst thing about working from home is when I have to take my slanket off for a Zoom call.
November 20, 2025 at 4:56 PM
The worst thing about working from home is when I have to take my slanket off for a Zoom call.
"It's actually a Haynes manual for the Ford Capri Mk 2 - I'm doing a complete top-end rebuild."
Then she borrows your torque wrench and you never get it back.
No thank you.
Then she borrows your torque wrench and you never get it back.
No thank you.
November 19, 2025 at 7:14 AM
"It's actually a Haynes manual for the Ford Capri Mk 2 - I'm doing a complete top-end rebuild."
Then she borrows your torque wrench and you never get it back.
No thank you.
Then she borrows your torque wrench and you never get it back.
No thank you.
Why do pyjamas have pockets?
November 18, 2025 at 10:10 PM
Why do pyjamas have pockets?
Why do we collectively persist with the myth that Christmas is snowy, instead of grey and drizzly?
November 17, 2025 at 7:51 PM
Why do we collectively persist with the myth that Christmas is snowy, instead of grey and drizzly?
My wife thinks this is a perfectly suitable place to store a box of biscuits. Should I divorce her?
November 17, 2025 at 10:40 AM
My wife thinks this is a perfectly suitable place to store a box of biscuits. Should I divorce her?
Just play Hysteria ffs!
November 15, 2025 at 10:05 AM
Just play Hysteria ffs!
When AI tools like ChatGPT or Google AI Overviews give you a response, if they decide that their training data may be out of date for your query, they will try to find more recent information on the internet. Most of them will use trusted news sources, academic or government sites where possible. /1
November 14, 2025 at 10:08 AM
When AI tools like ChatGPT or Google AI Overviews give you a response, if they decide that their training data may be out of date for your query, they will try to find more recent information on the internet. Most of them will use trusted news sources, academic or government sites where possible. /1
Massive Faith No More fan - but somehow I've never realised that the 1995 video for their cover of "I Started A Joke" features Martin Freeman: www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKDo...
Faith No More - I Started a Joke (Official Music Video)
YouTube video by UPROXX Indie Mixtape
www.youtube.com
November 13, 2025 at 10:34 AM
Massive Faith No More fan - but somehow I've never realised that the 1995 video for their cover of "I Started A Joke" features Martin Freeman: www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKDo...
Money Saving Tip: buy your remembrance poppy on November 12 when they discount all the old stock.
November 11, 2025 at 11:40 AM
Money Saving Tip: buy your remembrance poppy on November 12 when they discount all the old stock.
I am at a PR industry event thing for the first time in centuries - there are PASTRIES! I forgot about the pastries. Need to get out more.
November 11, 2025 at 8:11 AM
I am at a PR industry event thing for the first time in centuries - there are PASTRIES! I forgot about the pastries. Need to get out more.
Do not cite the Brand Guidelines to me, witch! I was there when they were written.
November 10, 2025 at 3:44 PM
Do not cite the Brand Guidelines to me, witch! I was there when they were written.
BIG SPECIAL - SHITHOUSE (Official Video)
YouTube video by BIG SPECIAL
www.youtube.com
November 10, 2025 at 12:40 PM
My work gives us our birthday off, and I had planned to spend the whole day doing a LOTR Director's Cut marathon. I've owned the box set for about 20 years and never got around to watching it. I've only ever seen the theatrical releases. Friday was going to be my day...
November 10, 2025 at 8:27 AM
My work gives us our birthday off, and I had planned to spend the whole day doing a LOTR Director's Cut marathon. I've owned the box set for about 20 years and never got around to watching it. I've only ever seen the theatrical releases. Friday was going to be my day...
Spaffed on a massive 4k tv and watching BBC David Attenborough nature documentaries in ultra HD is my favourite thing - looks stunning.
November 9, 2025 at 6:55 PM
Spaffed on a massive 4k tv and watching BBC David Attenborough nature documentaries in ultra HD is my favourite thing - looks stunning.