WASHINGTON—Citing extensive research he had conducted on the matter, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday claiming that vaccines were no more effective than drinking horseshoe crab blood straight. “Despite the lofty promises of pharmaceutical companies, there’s simply no evidence to suggest that vaccines provide more immunological benefit than […]

A legal battle is continuing between the Trump administration and a federal judge over the president’s invocation of the 1798 Alien Enemies Act to expel over 130 immigrants from the United States to...

HOMEDALE, ID—Citing the beings’ conspicuous lack of proficiency at even the most basic tasks and their general air of confusion, local man Travis Porter, 31, reported that his abduction Wednesday night was clearly the aliens’ first. “After they pulled me aboard the ship, they all just kind of stood around for a while looking at each other—it was obvious that none of them even knew where to start,” said Porter, who explained that the extraterrestrials then spent at least 15 minutes fumbling with their laser restraints until they were finally able to pin him down to the examination surface. “On the way back we completely overshot Earth, and then they had to circle around the planet a few times trying to find the spot where they picked me up. Honestly, I felt kind of embarrassed for them.” Porter added that, given their utter incompetence, he wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if the alien larvae they implanted in his brain stem never matured and chewed their way out.

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Describing the items on the shelf as yet other example of the “woke nonsense” abetting the feminization of American men, local conservative Nick Schwab, 54, told reporters Wednesday he was outraged by the availability of tampons and other period products in men’s grocery stores. “This is fucking unbelievable—what if I’d had my son with […]