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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander
@americanbystander.bsky.social
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The All-Star Print Humor Quarterly. • "Essential reading for comedy nerds." — NYT• Issue #31 Available for Pre-Order!

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The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · Sep 12
We regret to inform you we have returned to social media. Sorry.
americanbystander.bsky.social
Driverless cars are out here pulling U-turns,
cops don’t know who to ticket,
and @michaelgerber.bsky.social is hiding behind a hedge in Santa Monica.

Read his new piece, Waymo Scared: online.americanbystander.org/waymo-scared/
October 2, 2025 at 7:33 PM
Reposted by The American Bystander
mattcohen.bsky.social
TERFs are obsessed with where *everyone else* is going to the bathroom, so we wrote them a potty training book to teach them how to mind their own damn business. It's called "Nobody Poops." Read it here... and see it in print in the next issue of @americanbystander.bsky.social. #transrights
This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander. This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander. This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander. This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander.
September 23, 2025 at 5:18 PM
Reposted by The American Bystander
mattcohen.bsky.social
And if you like my writing, none of my graphic novels have been published yet... but consider checking out some of my work for MAD Magazine or this new piece in the @americanbystander.bsky.social. (12/X)
bsky.app/profile/matt...
mattcohen.bsky.social Matt Cohen @mattcohen.bsky.social · Sep 23
TERFs are obsessed with where *everyone else* is going to the bathroom, so we wrote them a potty training book to teach them how to mind their own damn business. It's called "Nobody Poops." Read it here... and see it in print in the next issue of @americanbystander.bsky.social. #transrights
This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander. This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander. This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander. This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander.
September 24, 2025 at 5:00 PM
Reposted by The American Bystander
michaelgerber.bsky.social
ATTN @americanbystander.bsky.social and Dutchie
votebiue.bsky.social Blue Wave @votebiue.bsky.social · Sep 28
My favorite Peter Sellers scene.
September 29, 2025 at 6:38 PM
americanbystander.bsky.social
. @michaelgerber.bsky.social ‘s new essay in the wake of Jimmy Kimmel’s cancellation lays it out plainly: the U.S. government is now hostile to comedy. Artists need to protect their lists, mirror their work, and prepare for independence.

Read and repost.
Advice from a Ghost
Comedy, Kimmel, and what you need to do next
open.substack.com
September 18, 2025 at 5:25 PM
Reposted by The American Bystander
bwdr.bsky.social
Support independent media
September 18, 2025 at 2:59 AM
Reposted by The American Bystander
dantelfer.com
ooooh ok so no more comedy allowed, cool cool cool
September 18, 2025 at 4:38 AM
americanbystander.bsky.social
Good time to repost this
michaelgerber.bsky.social Michael Gerber, bon vivant @michaelgerber.bsky.social · Feb 5
My fellow US satirists, now is the time to do your thing.

Self-censoring is “obeying in advance.”

Forget your career—draw blood

Tear down these crooks & fools

Whether you’re writing for Colbert or doing one night in some black box over a bowling alley, NOW is the time to

LET IT RIP!!!!
September 18, 2025 at 12:02 PM
Reposted by The American Bystander
michaelgerber.bsky.social
Well, its what Charlie Kirk would’ve wanted, at least
September 18, 2025 at 11:49 AM
americanbystander.bsky.social
Corporations should not own comedy. #jimmykimmel
September 18, 2025 at 3:41 AM
americanbystander.bsky.social
We stand with Jimmy Kimmel.
September 18, 2025 at 3:31 AM
americanbystander.bsky.social
theamericanbystanderstore.com/products/iss...
September 18, 2025 at 3:14 AM
americanbystander.bsky.social
The Roman Empire never really fell it just pivoted to content
September 16, 2025 at 7:26 PM
americanbystander.bsky.social
Remember when you were in the Gifted Program?
Now you’re just in debt.

The American Bystander: The Official Magazine for Former Gifted Kids

Preorder Issue 31: theamericanbystanderstore.com/products/iss...
The American Bystander #31 – Satire Magazine | Fall 2025
Issue #31 features Tom Toro's moon-landing cover & 70+ pages of ad-free satire, essays, & cartoons. Limited run. Ships October 2025.
theamericanbystanderstore.com
September 16, 2025 at 4:08 PM
americanbystander.bsky.social
Done and done, who’s next
September 15, 2025 at 8:56 PM
americanbystander.bsky.social
Now that we’re online again, who should we be following? (No losers, only cool people)
September 15, 2025 at 8:03 PM
americanbystander.bsky.social
[opens trench coat]
“Psst. Hey you. Hey buddy. C’mere. Wanna buy some print media?”
September 15, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Reposted by The American Bystander
shakespeare.lol
[Throws up another skull.]
September 14, 2025 at 7:28 AM
Reposted by The American Bystander
mpershan.bsky.social
I'm funny how, like a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh? Is that last thing I said funny? No? How about this one? Please laugh.
September 14, 2025 at 3:19 PM
americanbystander.bsky.social
It’s actually not that hard to be successful online. You just have to be obsessive, unbalanced or stupid hot. Thankfully we’re all three
September 15, 2025 at 7:48 PM
americanbystander.bsky.social
Everyone’s so happy we’re back on social media.
It feels like walking into the old bar and all your alkie friends cheering, “YOU’RE BACK!!!”

Anyway, pre-order Issue #31. Cover by @tbtoro.bsky.social
Ships October 2025

Link——> theamericanbystanderstore.com/products/iss...
The American Bystander #31 – Satire Magazine | Fall 2025
Issue #31 features Tom Toro's moon-landing cover & 70+ pages of ad-free satire, essays, & cartoons. Limited run. Ships October 2025.
theamericanbystanderstore.com
September 15, 2025 at 7:47 PM
americanbystander.bsky.social
Christ, this is terrible how have you guys been doing this
americanbystander.bsky.social The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · Sep 12
We regret to inform you we have returned to social media. Sorry.
September 12, 2025 at 9:23 PM
americanbystander.bsky.social
We tried to claw our way out because social media is hell.
But, like all the damned, we were dragged back—this time to hawk a print mag.

The American Bystander #31
Cover by @tbtoro.bsky.social. Ships October 2025.
Preorder here: theamericanbystanderstore.com/products/iss...
September 12, 2025 at 7:46 PM
Reposted by The American Bystander
michaelgerber.bsky.social
Ross MacDonald for @americanbystander.bsky.social --

online.americanbystander.org/this-is-fine/
This is fine
We didn't need all those Dow points anyway.
online.americanbystander.org
April 4, 2025 at 6:57 PM
americanbystander.bsky.social
We almost escaped, alas...
regalpastry.bsky.social TheKingOfPies @regalpastry.bsky.social · Apr 10
That's great.

Also glad to see @americanbystander.bsky.social is on here. Though, I get the vibe it was set up 3 months ago and... It has been since then
September 12, 2025 at 7:40 PM