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Global Tetrahedron

@globaltetrahedron.bsky.social

17K followers 2 following 10 posts

Global Tetrahedron was born of the shadows, and it is committed to control in all its forms. Parent company of The Onion.

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Global Tetrahedron @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social · Aug 27

Global Tetrahedron Commends Pharma Giant BTH On Their Commitment To Profit At Any Cost, Human or Otherwise. Watch @the-toxic-avenger.bsky.social, uncut only in theaters Friday 8.29. #toxicavenger #partner #ad

while turning the sleepy town of St. Roma's Village into an exciting destination filled with unique biodiversity. If a few two-headed sheep are the price we must pay for such innovation, it is a bargain.
But BTH is not just an innovator in pharmaceuticals-they are also pushing forward employee policies that must immediately be taught in our nation's gilded business schools. Our own horde of HR drones is already hard at work implementing BTH's labyrinthine health insurance system for Global Tetrahedron employees, and we are currently combing through applications to hire a local gang of maniacal thugs to deal with disgruntled employees. These are the kinds of outside-the-box business solutions we need.

We here at Global Tetrahedron raise a glass of completely normal and safe-to-drink water to you, BTH. May your share price shoot ever higher.

The Toxic Avenger Unrated

Uncut Only In Theaters 8.29

Buy Tickets Now

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Global Tetrahedron @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social · Aug 27

Global Tetrahedron Commends Pharma Giant BTH On Their Commitment To Profit At Any Cost, Human or Otherwise. Watch @toxicavenger, uncut only in theaters Friday 8.29. #toxicavenger #partner #ad

Business titans today too rarely congratulate their peers on their work, but as leaders in both the money-hoarding sector and the employee misery sector, we at Global Tetrahedron LLC believe it is our duty to celebrate those working to make the world a better place for CEOs.
By skirting safety regulations and pushing for profits at any cost, BTH and their visionary CEO Robert Garbinger have blazed a brave new path for multinational conglomerates everywhere. BTH knows the importance of understanding their customer and exploiting them for all they're worth.
Their toxic dumping system is a model in this field, creating both new customers and new bio-boosters at the same time-all

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Reposted by Global Tetrahedron

Bryce Tetraeder @brycetetraeder.bsky.social · Jun 22

Here is Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress.

Click here to read The Onion’s open letter to Congress:
theonion.com/letter-to-co...

Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress
By Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO

If you are reading this, you are likely either a member of Congress or one of the many underlings tasked with prodding lawmakers from a senile haze when they must cast a vote. You may be wondering why you have lucked out and received a free issue of our storied publication without so much as inserting a rider into a bill classifying The Onion as a tax-free religious organization.

Simply put, the inaction of Congress has already made me happier than any legal loophole could.

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Bryce Tetraeder @brycetetraeder.bsky.social · Jun 22

I have sent a copy of ‘The Onion’ to every member of Congress. To spread its message to less powerful people, I have also taken out an ad in a lesser newspaper. Read my full letter here: theonion.com/why-im-sendi...

Congress, now more than ever, our nation needs your cowardice

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The Onion @theonion.com · Dec 13

Haven't you spent enough on your family?
store.theonion.com/products/glo...

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Global Tetrahedron @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social · Dec 3

Meet The Board Of Global Tetrahedron:

Össur Þorsteinsson - This 1,200-year-old glacier has held a seat on the board since the Dark Ages.

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Global Tetrahedron @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social · Dec 2

Meet The Board Of Global Tetrahedron:

Keith Raniere - Keith brings a wealth of experience to Global Tetrahedron’s board from his 21 years at NXIVM.

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Global Tetrahedron @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social · Nov 26

Meet The Board Of Global Tetrahedron:

Lloyd R. Windom, Chief Transformation Officer, was inspired to pursue a career in business after taking part in the Milgram experiment in 1961 and falling in love with leadership.

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Global Tetrahedron @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social · Nov 25

Meet The Board Of Global Tetrahedron:

The Abomination is currently sealed in a cryogenic chamber in Global Tetrahedron’s boardroom, where it serves as head of marketing.

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Global Tetrahedron @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social · Nov 22

Meet The Board Of Global Tetrahedron:

Nathan Wentworth VIII - Born in Greenwich, CT, Nathan graduated summa cum laude from Harvard University before overseeing the Rwandan genocide.

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Global Tetrahedron @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social · Nov 21

Meet The Board Of Global Tetrahedron:

Liam Shepherd: This was a Make-A-Wish thing.

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Global Tetrahedron @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social · Nov 20

Meet The Board Of Global Tetrahedron:

Crisp $100 Bill - A preeminent figure in the world of business and finance. Global Tetrahedron is honored to have Mr. Franklin on board.

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Global Tetrahedron @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social · Nov 19

Meet The Board Of Global Tetrahedron:

Bryce Tetraeder - The CEO, chairman, media proprietor, entrepreneur, human trafficker, thought leader, and venture capitalist responsible for overseeing Global Tetrahedron’s transition from a mere multinational conglomerate into a truly interglobal empire.

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Bryce Tetraeder @brycetetraeder.bsky.social · Nov 14

Infinite Growth Forever:
global-tetrahedron.com

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The Onion @theonion.com · Nov 14

Your generosity enables the continued growth of our ruthless media empire.

Join us at membership.theonion.com?campaign=701...

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Bryce Tetraeder @brycetetraeder.bsky.social · Nov 14

Read my full letter here: theonion.com/heres-why-i-...

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