Sooz Kempner
@soozuk.bsky.social
"Comedian". Doom in Doctor Who. Host @mysteryontherocks.bsky.social & Long Distance, Bit Weird (https://longdistancebitweird.podbean.com)
Acting: Foundry Management VO: The Joneses
For all enquiries/brand partnerships: [email protected]
she/her
Acting: Foundry Management VO: The Joneses
For all enquiries/brand partnerships: [email protected]
she/her
Pinned
LEICESTER COMEDY FESTIVAL!
This is not really the show advertised so if you saw it already you can totally come again. It's half what's listed, half a WIP for my new 2026 show about finding your voice, silencing trolls, and Princess Diana.
TICKETS: events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/sooz-...
This is not really the show advertised so if you saw it already you can totally come again. It's half what's listed, half a WIP for my new 2026 show about finding your voice, silencing trolls, and Princess Diana.
TICKETS: events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/sooz-...
HOW ON EARTH IS THIS IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS?!? Can’t wait to see you there, Leicester.
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
The first chapter of Paul Holden's book describes what happened when the author started to ask awkward questions about the funding of Labour Together: Pippa Crerar emailed threatening him with a Guardian hit piece slandering him should he continue.
It didn't work.
But now we know why it happened.
It didn't work.
But now we know why it happened.
February 5, 2026 at 8:31 PM
The first chapter of Paul Holden's book describes what happened when the author started to ask awkward questions about the funding of Labour Together: Pippa Crerar emailed threatening him with a Guardian hit piece slandering him should he continue.
It didn't work.
But now we know why it happened.
It didn't work.
But now we know why it happened.
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
it's unbelievable to me that someone could actually be a trillionaire. i think most of us have trouble internalizing how much money that truly is. let me put it in simple terms for you: a trillion dollars is three million dollars
February 5, 2026 at 8:27 PM
it's unbelievable to me that someone could actually be a trillionaire. i think most of us have trouble internalizing how much money that truly is. let me put it in simple terms for you: a trillion dollars is three million dollars
Trump this week: “As you can see, the latest drop of Epstein files toooootally exonerates me”
The incredibly redacted files: “Donald Trump threatened to have a girl he abused killed ‘like that 12-year-old’”
Can’t wait til he’s dead.
The incredibly redacted files: “Donald Trump threatened to have a girl he abused killed ‘like that 12-year-old’”
Can’t wait til he’s dead.
February 5, 2026 at 6:10 PM
Trump this week: “As you can see, the latest drop of Epstein files toooootally exonerates me”
The incredibly redacted files: “Donald Trump threatened to have a girl he abused killed ‘like that 12-year-old’”
Can’t wait til he’s dead.
The incredibly redacted files: “Donald Trump threatened to have a girl he abused killed ‘like that 12-year-old’”
Can’t wait til he’s dead.
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
While reporting this, I had something happen that's never happened. A comms rep for one of the co's disputed my reporting and said what I was telling them was untrue because it was not in Grok, xAI's chatbot.
I was looking directly at the files. And this person was using AI to challenge the truth.
I was looking directly at the files. And this person was using AI to challenge the truth.
Epstein had many known connections to Silicon Valley CEOs, but less known was how he made money from those relationships.
We did a deep dive into how he got dealflow in Silicon Valley, giving him shots to invest in Coinbase, Palantir, SpaceX and other companies.
www.nytimes.com/2026/02/05/b...
We did a deep dive into how he got dealflow in Silicon Valley, giving him shots to invest in Coinbase, Palantir, SpaceX and other companies.
www.nytimes.com/2026/02/05/b...
Jeffrey Epstein’s Money Mingled With Silicon Valley Start-Ups
www.nytimes.com
February 5, 2026 at 5:38 PM
While reporting this, I had something happen that's never happened. A comms rep for one of the co's disputed my reporting and said what I was telling them was untrue because it was not in Grok, xAI's chatbot.
I was looking directly at the files. And this person was using AI to challenge the truth.
I was looking directly at the files. And this person was using AI to challenge the truth.
There's a bit (and this is genuine) where she's at the hair salon and the stylist goes "I loooooove to do Melania's hair, she gives me all the juicy gossip" and Melania says "shhhhh don't tell anyone but my husband get diarrhoea every time he cum and the diarrhoea come from his dick hole."
The best thing about nobody buying tickets to Melania is you can just make up stuff that happens in the movie and people will believe you. My favorite part is when she throws up in her purse after the hot dog eating contest
February 5, 2026 at 4:45 PM
There's a bit (and this is genuine) where she's at the hair salon and the stylist goes "I loooooove to do Melania's hair, she gives me all the juicy gossip" and Melania says "shhhhh don't tell anyone but my husband get diarrhoea every time he cum and the diarrhoea come from his dick hole."
My mum is going through old photos at Nanna's and found this from 1989 where I met a big stuffed lion that had just fucking HAD IT.
February 5, 2026 at 4:34 PM
My mum is going through old photos at Nanna's and found this from 1989 where I met a big stuffed lion that had just fucking HAD IT.
MY EPSTEIN NUMBER IS 2! IT'S 2! Because in 2019 I was invited backstage at the Royal Festival Hall after The Light in the Piazza for a glass of champagne with the star, Renèe Fleming. Was escorted in to her dressing room and it was me, Renèe and PETER FUCKING MANDELSON.
Your "Epstein Number" is the number of hops between you and someone sending a chummy email to notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein
February 5, 2026 at 4:28 PM
MY EPSTEIN NUMBER IS 2! IT'S 2! Because in 2019 I was invited backstage at the Royal Festival Hall after The Light in the Piazza for a glass of champagne with the star, Renèe Fleming. Was escorted in to her dressing room and it was me, Renèe and PETER FUCKING MANDELSON.
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
man if i had left it all on the field for this woman i would be pissed as hell. a content aggregator. go back to your real estate conferences
February 5, 2026 at 2:13 PM
man if i had left it all on the field for this woman i would be pissed as hell. a content aggregator. go back to your real estate conferences
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
We need access to Mandelson's financial affairs to check that eg Government contracts with Palantir were not entered into because he was paid to lobby for them.
February 5, 2026 at 2:56 PM
We need access to Mandelson's financial affairs to check that eg Government contracts with Palantir were not entered into because he was paid to lobby for them.
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
Hey fellow social media users: what do you say we get together and… cheer up Elon?
February 5, 2026 at 2:48 PM
Hey fellow social media users: what do you say we get together and… cheer up Elon?
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
>be me, Elon Musk
>make some unpopular decisions and need to rehabilitate my image
>get in with this cool comedian
>go on stage with him at his show
>crowd boos, howls, laughs
>start crying and run off stage, spaghetti pours out of my pockets
>shitting, pissing, throwing up
>wellness check.gif
>make some unpopular decisions and need to rehabilitate my image
>get in with this cool comedian
>go on stage with him at his show
>crowd boos, howls, laughs
>start crying and run off stage, spaghetti pours out of my pockets
>shitting, pissing, throwing up
>wellness check.gif
February 5, 2026 at 1:42 PM
>be me, Elon Musk
>make some unpopular decisions and need to rehabilitate my image
>get in with this cool comedian
>go on stage with him at his show
>crowd boos, howls, laughs
>start crying and run off stage, spaghetti pours out of my pockets
>shitting, pissing, throwing up
>wellness check.gif
>make some unpopular decisions and need to rehabilitate my image
>get in with this cool comedian
>go on stage with him at his show
>crowd boos, howls, laughs
>start crying and run off stage, spaghetti pours out of my pockets
>shitting, pissing, throwing up
>wellness check.gif
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
"Normally, you wear a shirt and tie for everything, Sir Keir. Where did you get your latest style tips from?"
"Don't know what you mean. This is what I always wear..."
"Don't know what you mean. This is what I always wear..."
February 5, 2026 at 12:38 PM
"Normally, you wear a shirt and tie for everything, Sir Keir. Where did you get your latest style tips from?"
"Don't know what you mean. This is what I always wear..."
"Don't know what you mean. This is what I always wear..."
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
Peter Mandelson is responsible for such a long litany of scandals he was probably one of the factors FOR a vetting process in the first place. In fact the first question of any govt vetting process should be 'Are you or have you ever been Peter Mandelson?'
February 5, 2026 at 12:34 PM
Peter Mandelson is responsible for such a long litany of scandals he was probably one of the factors FOR a vetting process in the first place. In fact the first question of any govt vetting process should be 'Are you or have you ever been Peter Mandelson?'
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
James O’Brien on LBC tomorrow morning.
GOOD NEWS! Starmer has uncovered the one Bad Dude in politics! It's Peter Mandelson! And now he's all taken care of it's back to the business of being good and normal and just stfu and enjoy things being as good as they can possibly be!
February 5, 2026 at 11:44 AM
James O’Brien on LBC tomorrow morning.
Worse than Johnson. Johnson was all desperate self-preservation. This guy cunts off people decent people for the love of the game.
Keir Starmer attacks the racism of Reform and Matt Goodwin but then adds that "Britain has also been let down by a mindset on the left of politics that is too slow to defend core British values"
February 5, 2026 at 11:49 AM
Worse than Johnson. Johnson was all desperate self-preservation. This guy cunts off people decent people for the love of the game.
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
Hes actually going with "Nobody knew" lmfao
February 5, 2026 at 11:21 AM
Hes actually going with "Nobody knew" lmfao
GOOD NEWS! Starmer has uncovered the one Bad Dude in politics! It's Peter Mandelson! And now he's all taken care of it's back to the business of being good and normal and just stfu and enjoy things being as good as they can possibly be!
February 5, 2026 at 11:13 AM
GOOD NEWS! Starmer has uncovered the one Bad Dude in politics! It's Peter Mandelson! And now he's all taken care of it's back to the business of being good and normal and just stfu and enjoy things being as good as they can possibly be!
I love it when he sends out a handful of hapless ministers and 2024 intakes to repeat his position less than 24 hours before he goes back on it entirely and makes them all look like silly cunts
Wouldn’t be at all surprised for him to back McSweeny today and then u-turn in the next few days following the inevitable outcry
February 5, 2026 at 11:10 AM
I love it when he sends out a handful of hapless ministers and 2024 intakes to repeat his position less than 24 hours before he goes back on it entirely and makes them all look like silly cunts
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
Bluesky is that special place where someone will take time out from serialposting about how ICE can never defeat one mid sized midwesern city to post about how ICE is going to commandeer every voting booth in the US and all is lost
February 5, 2026 at 10:47 AM
Bluesky is that special place where someone will take time out from serialposting about how ICE can never defeat one mid sized midwesern city to post about how ICE is going to commandeer every voting booth in the US and all is lost
Oh fuck yeah Labour 3.0 is gonna be LIT!
starmer speech 11am
February 5, 2026 at 10:47 AM
Oh fuck yeah Labour 3.0 is gonna be LIT!
ugh i never thought i'd say this but....graham....please....stick to the transphobic stuff
February 5, 2026 at 10:43 AM
ugh i never thought i'd say this but....graham....please....stick to the transphobic stuff
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
Man goes to Grok. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Check out Elon, has dankest memes. Pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, But Grok...I am Elon.
February 5, 2026 at 10:36 AM
Man goes to Grok. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Check out Elon, has dankest memes. Pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, But Grok...I am Elon.