Sooz Kempner
@soozuk.bsky.social
"Comedian". Doom in Doctor Who. Host @mysteryontherocks.bsky.social & Long Distance, Bit Weird (https://longdistancebitweird.podbean.com)
Acting: Foundry Management VO: The Joneses
For all enquiries/brand partnerships: [email protected]
she/her
Acting: Foundry Management VO: The Joneses
For all enquiries/brand partnerships: [email protected]
she/her
Pinned
LEICESTER COMEDY FESTIVAL!
This is not really the show advertised so if you saw it already you can totally come again. It's half what's listed, half a WIP for my new 2026 show about finding your voice, silencing trolls, and Princess Diana.
TICKETS: events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/sooz-...
This is not really the show advertised so if you saw it already you can totally come again. It's half what's listed, half a WIP for my new 2026 show about finding your voice, silencing trolls, and Princess Diana.
TICKETS: events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/sooz-...
HOW ON EARTH IS THIS IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS?!? Can’t wait to see you there, Leicester.
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
As recently as the summer of 2024 the Labour Party were flat-out denying that Peter Mandelson was even vaguely advising them and it was so obviously BOLLOCKS....but why were they denying it? Is it coz he's a catastrophically problematic, unpopular figure who was best pals with a famous pedo?
September 12, 2025 at 12:06 PM
As recently as the summer of 2024 the Labour Party were flat-out denying that Peter Mandelson was even vaguely advising them and it was so obviously BOLLOCKS....but why were they denying it? Is it coz he's a catastrophically problematic, unpopular figure who was best pals with a famous pedo?
I suppose because the Westminster lot only seem to hang out with each other (I'm talking the politicians themselves, their staff, the political journalists) it makes sense that they'd think all of this was fine for the past decade or so. The rest of us are like:
February 7, 2026 at 2:41 PM
I suppose because the Westminster lot only seem to hang out with each other (I'm talking the politicians themselves, their staff, the political journalists) it makes sense that they'd think all of this was fine for the past decade or so. The rest of us are like:
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
From the little I know about newspaper deadlines, this will have gone to the printers on Wednesday afternoon (the glossy supplements always take much longer to do), so, basically, at the exact moment he was being formally removed from the Privy Council.
GUYS YOU HAD SEVERAL DAYS TO PUT LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE ON THE FRONT OF THE MAGAZINE COME ON
February 7, 2026 at 11:54 AM
From the little I know about newspaper deadlines, this will have gone to the printers on Wednesday afternoon (the glossy supplements always take much longer to do), so, basically, at the exact moment he was being formally removed from the Privy Council.
The most irritating lib big brain bollocks and you see it ALL the time. Peter Mandelson was a man who lived his entire life bitter that he didn't have even more money. There would have been no salary high enough for the cunt. And he isn't an anomaly.
I’m seeing the argument that Mandelson’s corruption is evidence that MPs should be paid more. Because giving the greedy more, just like allowing fascists a little more racism, is a sure-fire way to stop them. Fucking idiots.
February 7, 2026 at 11:49 AM
The most irritating lib big brain bollocks and you see it ALL the time. Peter Mandelson was a man who lived his entire life bitter that he didn't have even more money. There would have been no salary high enough for the cunt. And he isn't an anomaly.
This is like when Vogue magazine printed that feature about Carrie Bradshaw getting married and she wore loads of different designer wedding dresses and they published it a week after Mr Big had left her at the altar.
Like almost everyone else, I thought this was a spoof - but no
February 7, 2026 at 11:30 AM
This is like when Vogue magazine printed that feature about Carrie Bradshaw getting married and she wore loads of different designer wedding dresses and they published it a week after Mr Big had left her at the altar.
I've never seen anyone look less like a guy who was once one of the greatest footballers on the planet. People say it about men like Wayne Rooney but 2026 Wayne Rooney looks way more like an ex-football legend than LOOK AT HIM FUCKING LOOK AT MICHAEL OWEN IN HIS AMERICAN BUFFOON ERA
Anyway the world is cursed, let us all instead reminisce on when Michael Owen had a range of clothes at Peacocks and did the worst modelling you can possibly imagine
February 7, 2026 at 11:12 AM
I've never seen anyone look less like a guy who was once one of the greatest footballers on the planet. People say it about men like Wayne Rooney but 2026 Wayne Rooney looks way more like an ex-football legend than LOOK AT HIM FUCKING LOOK AT MICHAEL OWEN IN HIS AMERICAN BUFFOON ERA
GUYS YOU HAD SEVERAL DAYS TO PUT LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE ON THE FRONT OF THE MAGAZINE COME ON
February 7, 2026 at 10:42 AM
GUYS YOU HAD SEVERAL DAYS TO PUT LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE ON THE FRONT OF THE MAGAZINE COME ON
"I thought he was only friends with the convicted paedophile a bit but then I found out he was actually friends with the convicted paedophile SO MUCH! When I thought he was only friends with the convicted paedophile a bit I liked him and gave him a job. So angry rn!"
Labour MPs & party insiders tell me they’ve never seen Keir Starmer so angry as over Mandelson’s lies about Epstein links.
But those who know him well say that anger has now turned inwards. That Starmer is, above all else, a man of public service, and will be grappling with his conscious this w/e.
But those who know him well say that anger has now turned inwards. That Starmer is, above all else, a man of public service, and will be grappling with his conscious this w/e.
February 7, 2026 at 10:29 AM
"I thought he was only friends with the convicted paedophile a bit but then I found out he was actually friends with the convicted paedophile SO MUCH! When I thought he was only friends with the convicted paedophile a bit I liked him and gave him a job. So angry rn!"
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
I really hope people advocating to ban kids from SM read this. Some kids are isolated by disabilities or circumstances. Furthermore, some kids grow up in abusive households. “Ideally, a child’s exposure to online worlds should be moderated by their parents” isn’t a reassuring sentiment for everyone
www.theguardian.com/australia-ne...
The impacts of locking under 16 yos from their social media networks are now beginning to bite for those young people who relied on them for social connection
The impacts of locking under 16 yos from their social media networks are now beginning to bite for those young people who relied on them for social connection
‘I’ve lost my friends’: advocacy groups warn Australia’s social media ban risks isolating kids with disabilities
Despite the ban’s aim to protect young people, experts are concerned that those in marginalised communities or living with disabilities could lose vital support networks
www.theguardian.com
February 7, 2026 at 8:06 AM
I really hope people advocating to ban kids from SM read this. Some kids are isolated by disabilities or circumstances. Furthermore, some kids grow up in abusive households. “Ideally, a child’s exposure to online worlds should be moderated by their parents” isn’t a reassuring sentiment for everyone
TIL that you can’t fly in the EU with less than three months on your passport. Currently waiting to be escorted out of the airport like I got caught with coke up my arse. Sorry, Netherlands, I really really wanted to gig in you.
February 7, 2026 at 7:57 AM
TIL that you can’t fly in the EU with less than three months on your passport. Currently waiting to be escorted out of the airport like I got caught with coke up my arse. Sorry, Netherlands, I really really wanted to gig in you.
Yeah the Bluesky Doomers who were kept posting “that’s the Epstein files successfully dead and buried then” when Trump kidnapped a foreign leader, threatened to take over Greenland and had his gestapo murder two citizens on camera in broad daylight look as stupid as they do ghoulish now.
So the whole being as racist as possible play didn't distract everyone from the child rape thing
February 7, 2026 at 6:25 AM
Yeah the Bluesky Doomers who were kept posting “that’s the Epstein files successfully dead and buried then” when Trump kidnapped a foreign leader, threatened to take over Greenland and had his gestapo murder two citizens on camera in broad daylight look as stupid as they do ghoulish now.
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
GM: Charisma check.
Mamdani: [rolls natural 20]
GM: that’s a d6 how did you
Mamdani: [direct to camera] Did you know you can check out board games at your local public library? 😊
Mamdani: [rolls natural 20]
GM: that’s a d6 how did you
Mamdani: [direct to camera] Did you know you can check out board games at your local public library? 😊
February 7, 2026 at 5:01 AM
GM: Charisma check.
Mamdani: [rolls natural 20]
GM: that’s a d6 how did you
Mamdani: [direct to camera] Did you know you can check out board games at your local public library? 😊
Mamdani: [rolls natural 20]
GM: that’s a d6 how did you
Mamdani: [direct to camera] Did you know you can check out board games at your local public library? 😊
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
normal friend still on twitter: i dunno about bluesky it seems like theres a lot of naive weirdos who get upset at the slightest provocation and fly off the handle
me, troll blood coursing through my veins: yea lol
me, troll blood coursing through my veins: yea lol
February 7, 2026 at 12:00 AM
normal friend still on twitter: i dunno about bluesky it seems like theres a lot of naive weirdos who get upset at the slightest provocation and fly off the handle
me, troll blood coursing through my veins: yea lol
me, troll blood coursing through my veins: yea lol
This is such a good palate cleanser after Trump's meltdown(s) and Starmer jibbering for his political life this weekn. Thank you again, World Mayor.
Reporter: Do any of you have a favorite animal?
Child: My favorite one is a gold snake that can move. It has gold eyes, and it has a super-duper tail…
Reporter: Mr. Mamdani, the second question for you.
Mamdani: Yes. It’s also the golden snake.
Child: My favorite one is a gold snake that can move. It has gold eyes, and it has a super-duper tail…
Reporter: Mr. Mamdani, the second question for you.
Mamdani: Yes. It’s also the golden snake.
February 6, 2026 at 11:59 PM
This is such a good palate cleanser after Trump's meltdown(s) and Starmer jibbering for his political life this weekn. Thank you again, World Mayor.
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
Finneas is better at political messaging than 99% of the Democratic consultants in DC.
February 6, 2026 at 8:44 PM
Finneas is better at political messaging than 99% of the Democratic consultants in DC.
hahahahahahahaha fucking hell you're not meant to get CAUGHT you silly cunts
www.theguardian.com/politics/202...
www.theguardian.com/politics/202...
Reform faces police investigation after distributing letters from ‘concerned neighbour’ in byelection campaign
Material did not have legally obligatory imprint clarifying that it was funded and distributed by political party
www.theguardian.com
February 6, 2026 at 7:48 PM
hahahahahahahaha fucking hell you're not meant to get CAUGHT you silly cunts
www.theguardian.com/politics/202...
www.theguardian.com/politics/202...
thank FUCK for that
February 6, 2026 at 3:10 PM
thank FUCK for that
People keep saying "the only person who has gone to prison for any of this...is a woman" and yeah I know what you mean, all these abusive men in power continue to walk free. But Ghislaine Maxwell is ALSO a paedophile rapist sex trafficking monster and her life in prison is like being in a resort.
February 6, 2026 at 2:43 PM
People keep saying "the only person who has gone to prison for any of this...is a woman" and yeah I know what you mean, all these abusive men in power continue to walk free. But Ghislaine Maxwell is ALSO a paedophile rapist sex trafficking monster and her life in prison is like being in a resort.
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
You're telling me that Morgan McSweeney might lose his job and Wes Streeting might never be prime minister, because they were too close to Peter Mandelson? oh no that's terrible
February 6, 2026 at 10:59 AM
You're telling me that Morgan McSweeney might lose his job and Wes Streeting might never be prime minister, because they were too close to Peter Mandelson? oh no that's terrible
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
The trouble is that all these stories become news stories when it is too late - “in the future everyone will have been against this” - never warning to stop the damage , always reported after the destruction - the little boy only cries wolf when the blood of the flock flows down the hill
February 6, 2026 at 11:07 AM
The trouble is that all these stories become news stories when it is too late - “in the future everyone will have been against this” - never warning to stop the damage , always reported after the destruction - the little boy only cries wolf when the blood of the flock flows down the hill
Last year I ticked something off my bucket list: Machfest! Every comic knows it's the GREATEST comedy festival and I just LOVED it. So I'm BERSERK to go back! If you fancy making the trip the festival is WELL worth it.
May 2nd @ 8pm
SOOZ KEMPNER: IMPOSTER
machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2026/so...
May 2nd @ 8pm
SOOZ KEMPNER: IMPOSTER
machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2026/so...
February 6, 2026 at 1:04 PM
Last year I ticked something off my bucket list: Machfest! Every comic knows it's the GREATEST comedy festival and I just LOVED it. So I'm BERSERK to go back! If you fancy making the trip the festival is WELL worth it.
May 2nd @ 8pm
SOOZ KEMPNER: IMPOSTER
machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2026/so...
May 2nd @ 8pm
SOOZ KEMPNER: IMPOSTER
machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2026/so...
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
Anyone talking about GREENS splitting the vote is talking through their arse.
Every major 🇬🇧 bookie has Hannah Spencer (Green candidate) to win. Every one has Labour as 3rd favourite.
If anyone's going to split the anti-Refuk vote, it's going to be Starmerrhoids who waste their vote on Labour.
Every major 🇬🇧 bookie has Hannah Spencer (Green candidate) to win. Every one has Labour as 3rd favourite.
If anyone's going to split the anti-Refuk vote, it's going to be Starmerrhoids who waste their vote on Labour.
February 5, 2026 at 4:25 PM
Anyone talking about GREENS splitting the vote is talking through their arse.
Every major 🇬🇧 bookie has Hannah Spencer (Green candidate) to win. Every one has Labour as 3rd favourite.
If anyone's going to split the anti-Refuk vote, it's going to be Starmerrhoids who waste their vote on Labour.
Every major 🇬🇧 bookie has Hannah Spencer (Green candidate) to win. Every one has Labour as 3rd favourite.
If anyone's going to split the anti-Refuk vote, it's going to be Starmerrhoids who waste their vote on Labour.
Happy 70th Birthday @annakempner.bsky.social. Congrats on having such an amazing daughter. Here you are in 1990 when you were Temu Diana.
February 6, 2026 at 12:25 PM
Happy 70th Birthday @annakempner.bsky.social. Congrats on having such an amazing daughter. Here you are in 1990 when you were Temu Diana.
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
If Labour Together come out of this unscathed its because the journo class can't afford for it to die.
February 6, 2026 at 10:55 AM
If Labour Together come out of this unscathed its because the journo class can't afford for it to die.
Reposted by Sooz Kempner
Holy shit woke up to the fact that NJ Dems might have just nominated a socialist to the NJ-11. I mean I voted for her and she will be my rep if this sticks but even at the polling place I was doubtful and HERE WE ARE.
It’s been a long time coming, but a change is gonna come. 😭
It’s been a long time coming, but a change is gonna come. 😭
February 6, 2026 at 10:43 AM
Holy shit woke up to the fact that NJ Dems might have just nominated a socialist to the NJ-11. I mean I voted for her and she will be my rep if this sticks but even at the polling place I was doubtful and HERE WE ARE.
It’s been a long time coming, but a change is gonna come. 😭
It’s been a long time coming, but a change is gonna come. 😭