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The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard

@themeadhallbard.bsky.social

910 followers 480 following 12K posts

*DMs Disabled* #Wülferhamptonian #JamFirst Profanagiest Frustrating Bastard Ex Vampier Belligerent malcontent Tuberdoor Singest Rhymist Storyteller Lute twanglist Ye Mercia Beat decomposer Wilfully obtuse Murdered at the behest of WülfHelm

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The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · Sep 3

For Wülferhampton newbies (and those that got so wrecked in the Mead Hall that they can’t remember what happened)

The History of the Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard.

The 'Phantom' of The Mead Hall Bard

is the spiritual essence of a travelling musician and poet who was once chained to the wall of the Mead Hall, in the window alcove by the door to the latrines.

Early Life
Almost nothing is known of the early years of TMHB. His spoken accent is not that of a Wülferhampton native, but there is no clue to his origins. He has some small literary skills and musical training, so it is assumed that he may have studied in a foreign land (i.e. not Wülferhampton).

Corporeal Mead Hall Tenure
TMHB arrived at the Mead Hall as a living, breathing and reasonably healthy person. Sadly, this was not a situation that would endure for long. Although initially intrigued by the travelling Bard, the Bretwalda soon tired of his somewhat acerbic satirical wit. This resulted in TMHB being appointed as the resident Bard (a retained position chained to the wall and used as a target for discard rat bones). The Bard suffered this for some time, before escaping and later reappearing as The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard (The Phantom).

Death
The actual demise of TMHB has been the subject of much speculation. The only corroborated facts are that the Bard's exsanguinated corpse was found in the Frankish Music Hall called "Mason Rouge", bearing a single wound consistent with an expertly wielded seax. There were unsubstantiated reports that TMHB was murdered by, or at the behest of, the Bretwalda Wulfhelm. This suggestion has been repeatedly denied by Bretwalda WülfHhelm and it is ill advised to challenge him on the subject. However, since the event, the Select Fyrd has claimed responsibility for the dispatch of the Bard.

Place of Unrest
There are rumours that the corpse of TMHB is buried under the great Elm Tree at the back of the Mead Hall. Since any excavation or exploration of the area is forbidden by the Bretwalda on pain of death, the rumours cannot be substantiated. The Psychic Squirrel (A.K.A. loads of variations of his name) has claimed that the Bard's remains have been exhumed, cremated, salted and reburied. But it is uncertain if that was the Bard or the leftovers of one of the Bretwalda’s Chinese foods binges (barbequed spare ribs).

Mead Hall Haunting
After his reappearance as the Phantom, the Mead Hall Bard has been haunting the Mead Hall and Wülferhampton area. He spends a great deal of his time annoying the Bretwalda, (which can only be a good thing). Unusually for a spirit, most people can see or at least hear the Phantom and he'll engage almost everybody in conversation.

Music of the Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard
The music of TMHB mostly takes the form of a contrafactum, whereby the text of a song is substituted without substantial change to the original music. This makes it easy for the Mead Hall clientele to join in when they are pissed brainless on a Friday and Saturday night. This creative process can be thought of in terms of decomposing and recomposing: which is fairly appropriate given TMHB's history.

His posthumous album "The Seax Man Cometh" went straight in at Number 1 on the Wülferhampton charts.

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The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 4m

TBF. He doesn't hide his light under a bushel.

The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 10m

Everybody keep calm. I got this...

a person is holding a pair of pliers in their hand

ALT: a person is holding a pair of pliers in their hand

media.tenor.com

The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 18m

They're obsolete. He'll have to do some F35B-ing.

The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 20m

Be still my beating hea... Oh.... Anyway, moving on.

The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 24m

Setting aside the fact that Wülfie is a cunt.

The poor soul wandered into Wülferhampton without a guide and took it seriously.

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The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 30m

Try turning the silence switch on and off again. It's a known issue since iOS 26 deployed.

The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 37m

😂

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The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 1h

Not even electric?

The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 2h

Age does that to you. I've got osteoarthritis in both thumbs. I can't do the Hendrix thumb on the E string anymore.

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The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 2h

This one for example. Ouch!

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The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 2h

Some of the stretches are RSI inducing.

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The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 3h

Today's award for "How to make the difficult look deceptively easy."

youtu.be/nHTpPuSF6Go?...

"CLAIR DE LUNE" (first section) BY CLAUDE DEBUSSY... ARRANGED AND PERFORMED BY JONATHAN KREISBERG

YouTube video by Jonathan Kreisberg

youtu.be

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The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 3h

She was. Completely.

The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 3h

a woman in a white shirt and tie is making a funny face and says `` am i boverred ? ''

ALT: a woman in a white shirt and tie is making a funny face and says `` am i boverred ? ''

media.tenor.com

The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 3h

She also had one of the fastest mental arithmetic brains I've ever witnessed and could factorise quadratic equations instantly.

Watching countdown, she beat Vorderman to the numbers result more often than not. But she said Rilley was better.

Her best friend used to call her "the computer".

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The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · 3h

FULL ON NERD ALERT.

Hazel was fascinated by things like this. I taught her the NATO alphabet (I use it instinctively on phone calls). She knew an alphabet comprised entirely of classic rock band names and could recite the alphabet backwards as fast as forwards.

youtu.be/UAT-eOzeY4M?...