The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard
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themeadhallbard.bsky.social
The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard
@themeadhallbard.bsky.social
950 followers 470 following 15K posts
#Wülferhamptonian

Belligerent malcontent profanagiest.
Tuberdoor, Singest, Rhymist, Storyteller & Lute Twanglist.
Decomposer of ye Mercia Beat.
Frustrating degenerate bastard and Wilfully obtuse twat.
Murdered at the behest of WülfHelm.

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themeadhallbard.bsky.social
The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard @themeadhallbard.bsky.social · Sep 3
For Wülferhampton newbies (and those that got so wrecked in the Mead Hall that they can’t remember what happened)

The History of the Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard.
The 'Phantom' of The Mead Hall Bard is the spiritual essence of a travelling musician and poet who was once chained to the wall of the Mead Hall, in the window alcove by the door to the latrines. Early Life Almost nothing is known of the early years of TMHB. His spoken accent is not that of a Wülferhampton native, but there is no clue to his origins. He has some small literary skills and musical training, so it is assumed that he may have studied in a foreign land (i.e. not Wülferhampton). Corporeal Mead Hall Tenure TMHB arrived at the Mead Hall as a living, breathing and reasonably healthy person. Sadly, this was not a situation that would endure for long. Although initially intrigued by the travelling Bard, the Bretwalda soon tired of his somewhat acerbic satirical wit. This resulted in TMHB being appointed as the resident Bard (a retained position chained to the wall and used as a target for discard rat bones). The Bard suffered this for some time, before escaping and later reappearing as The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard (The Phantom). Death The actual demise of TMHB has been the subject of much speculation. The only corroborated facts are that the Bard's exsanguinated corpse was found in the Frankish Music Hall called "Mason Rouge", bearing a single wound consistent with an expertly wielded seax. There were unsubstantiated reports that TMHB was murdered by, or at the behest of, the Bretwalda Wulfhelm. This suggestion has been repeatedly denied by Bretwalda WülfHhelm and it is ill advised to challenge him on the subject. However, since the event, the Select Fyrd has claimed responsibility for the dispatch of the Bard. Place of Unrest There are rumours that the corpse of TMHB is buried under the great Elm Tree at the back of the Mead Hall. Since any excavation or exploration of the area is forbidden by the Bretwalda on pain of death, the rumours cannot be substantiated. The Psychic Squirrel (A.K.A. loads of variations of his name) has claimed that the Bard's remains have been exhumed, cremated, salted and reburied. But it is uncertain if that was the Bard or the leftovers of one of the Bretwalda’s Chinese foods binges (barbequed spare ribs). Mead Hall Haunting After his reappearance as the Phantom, the Mead Hall Bard has been haunting the Mead Hall and Wülferhampton area. He spends a great deal of his time annoying the Bretwalda, (which can only be a good thing). Unusually for a spirit, most people can see or at least hear the Phantom and he'll engage almost everybody in conversation. Music of the Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard The music of TMHB mostly takes the form of a contrafactum, whereby the text of a song is substituted without substantial change to the original music. This makes it easy for the Mead Hall clientele to join in when they are pissed brainless on a Friday and Saturday night. This creative process can be thought of in terms of decomposing and recomposing: which is fairly appropriate given TMHB's history. His posthumous album "The Seax Man Cometh" went straight in at Number 1 on the Wülferhampton charts.
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
Announcement: The Wülferhampton Pease Council will have its inaugural meeting next week.

The WPC will oversee the production of pease puddin’ in Mercia. @wulfhelm.bsky.social has been appointed Charperson for life (I know what I wrote). Membership will cost one potato.
January 22, 2026 at 11:31 AM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
I have just eaten a slice of coffee and walnut cake. 👍

I have coffee. 👍

The sheet music does not tally with the recording of the piece I’m learning 😡

I’ve worked it out 👍
January 22, 2026 at 10:55 AM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
So. Made it from 11:00 to 04:30 before waking and dozed until now. Brain has properly booted up now though. No more sleep for you sunshine.
January 22, 2026 at 5:37 AM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
Evening…
January 21, 2026 at 11:22 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
I have wrecked my left hand. 😬
January 21, 2026 at 4:23 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
Gave the wellie boots an outing again today.

Soggy.
January 21, 2026 at 11:02 AM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
Social media is rife with advice about how we should deal with the Orange Infant. Mostly the opinions can be distilled to telling him to ‘fuck off’ and live with the consequences. There are thousands of family livelihoods at risk. It’s easy to be brave if someone else suffers the consequences.
January 21, 2026 at 9:28 AM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
I appear to have slept better that usual.

Go me.

Yea.
January 21, 2026 at 6:40 AM
Reposted by The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard
miq.moe
Generated by Make it a Quote User: robynhenderson.bsky.social Content: "Stop trying to induct me into the phantom realm, I'm trying to sleep." We've all been there.
January 20, 2026 at 10:14 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
I have eaten.

I am now fighting off the full belly coma.
a close up of a man 's ear and nose in a car
ALT: a close up of a man 's ear and nose in a car
media.tenor.com
January 20, 2026 at 6:31 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
@un-ness-assary.bsky.social This you?
sirtom.bsky.social Sir Tom, KFC (never had a blue tick)🐧🇪🇺🇬🇧 @sirtom.bsky.social · 2d
The train guard was trying to make announcement, but something isn't working and we only got one word in 5. Someone told her ( fool) so she's currently blowing into the microphome and hitting the head. She clearly fancies herself as a professional audio engineer.
January 20, 2026 at 3:31 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
‘bout right.
January 20, 2026 at 3:29 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
Last night’s lack of sleep has just kicked in.
a white cat with a sad look on its face is being held by a person .
ALT: a white cat with a sad look on its face is being held by a person .
media.tenor.com
January 20, 2026 at 2:54 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
I appear to have accidentally purchased a guitar.
January 20, 2026 at 12:08 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
Right. More shit to do.
January 20, 2026 at 9:42 AM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
January 20, 2026 at 9:37 AM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
Right. Up. Showered. Supermarket shop done. Breakfast eaten. Coffee in hand listening to the news. Nick Robinson can’t conceal his pro Tory bias. Trump is still a cunt; so is Putin. Zelenskyy has been mugged then betrayed. The EU are considering considering and the UK has painted itself into corner.
January 20, 2026 at 9:09 AM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
On the grounds that there’s no fucking point laying here any longer. I’m getting up.
January 20, 2026 at 6:18 AM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
Have you tried this variety?
January 20, 2026 at 6:16 AM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
No. YOU fell asleep oh the sofa for an hour and now you’re fucking wide awake.

Twatfuckbuggershitbollocks.
January 19, 2026 at 11:22 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
A song from a generation now perpetrating war, racial inequality and greed; but written at a time when they were protesting war, racial inequality and greed.

Well boomers. We fucked that up, didn’t we?

Happy Birthday JJ.

youtu.be/6dM2uzunIXs?...
Janis Joplin - Mercedes Benz (Official Audio)
YouTube video by JanisJoplinVEVO
youtu.be
January 19, 2026 at 3:11 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
Ye Gods there are some pitifully naieve people in this world. It's always easier to campaign for action if the likelihood is that someone else is going to suffer the consequences. 🙄
January 19, 2026 at 12:12 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
I’ve come to realise that the amount of ‘this shit’ that I’m ‘too old for’ is increasing exponentially.
January 18, 2026 at 4:49 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
As it was, so ever shall it be.
wulfhelm.bsky.social WulfHelm @wulfhelm.bsky.social · 5d
Love how everyone who claims that we shouldn't let the perfect be the enemy of the good are in fact being the enemy of both the perfect and the good.
January 17, 2026 at 8:52 PM
themeadhallbard.bsky.social
I have rationalised my profile bio to accommodate all of the adjectives used by my kind followers, because I ran out of bio space.

and @wulfhelm.bsky.social
January 17, 2026 at 11:49 AM