My goal tonight is to not jump off my bed like I’m escaping an explosion in a 90’s action movie, while still asleep.

My reaction to my wife telling me to drink more water instead of soda:

Whenever my wife wants to go somewhere, I’m like, “I’m bringing Bob.” Bob is my cat. She is like, “They don’t take cats.” So I’m like, “Bob, Muppet-Man?”

2/2) I immediately began yelling for help. No one could hear my screams or me pounding on the wall because my son was having his meltdown in the other room. So I sat in the darkness, defeated.

Eventually, there was silence I yelled and screamed again and my daughter came and turned on the light.