need more drizzilicious rice cakes

sandwiches are the best food format and it's not even close (this includes tacos, calzones, hot dogs, dumplings, etc for the pedantic freaks)

wrapping something starchy around food was just a genius move on humanity's part

Crumbl cookies are gross and I’m tired pretending otherwise

If I'm quiet in an elevator it's only because I'm deciding who to eat first if it breaks down.

Are there fewer female serial killers or are we just better at it

Don't let people you could easily murder bother you.

a human’s death certificate is a ghost’s birth certificate.

Okay but hear me out:

A nighttime bookstore in which the only lighting comes from lanterns, tea is served to all who enter, there is an emotional support owl in each section, and a buy one / get one free sale occurs during every full moon.

I watched every season of Law & Order SVU and I took the LSAT.

I am prepared to lead the Department of Justice 🫡

i hate putting in my retainer only to be hungry 20 minutes later

it’s hard to even remember what my life looked like before the 🫡 emoji

Elmo’s beef with Rocco has got to be one of the top ten beefs in pop culture.

do you think people named jeremy ever go by “jerm”?

i’ve always wondered what it’s like to be a little frog sitting top a mushroom drinking tea and wearing a cardigan. 🍄🐸🫖