If you were to ask me what the hardest part of being a parent is, I’d say it’s having your heart walking around outside your body

If you were to ask me on a deeper level- I’d say it’s hearing “more milk!” anytime you sit down.

really?? no idea why?? I feel like a lot of people hate health insurance companies?

Like i guess we don't know for sure but I think I can make a few educated guesses

star wars did give us a slur for robots (clankers) but i don’t use it bc i don’t want to have to look a robot in the eye in fifty years and be like “you don’t understand it was a different time…”

I had a mood ring but it jumped off my finger and into oncoming traffic.

Don’t talk to me or my son

when hot people give me compliments:

I love this face because humans can't do it, but you see Kermit do it and you know exactly what emotion that face is

I absolutely should not drop $65 on these. BUT they glow in the dark

If you’re looking for a free way to support an author, did you know you can ask your library to stock a book you want to read that they don’t have yet? And usually it’s a very basic online form? Google your library name plus the words “request a title” or “suggest a title” to find yours.

me, stroking out at 55 after the ai-powered death clock told me i’d live until 83: haha suck it ai

remember the reason for the season

Me (reading A Christmas Carol, waiting for the Muppets to show up): "What the hell?"

THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Orcas have started wearing Salmon hats again. I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Call me Chappell Roan the way I’m having Wicked dreams

me at the top of the hour, every hour