In my day, a gentleman who confused imaginary cancer stages with political scandal would have been quietly sent to convalesce by the sea. Now they tweet.

Dead, yes. Useless, never. The sump pit erupted; I fixed it with a hairpin, a curse, and sheer disdain. Water fled. Remember: I survived Victorian plumbing. You cannot frighten me with a little flood.

#DearDeadAgatha #HauntingWithPurpose #PlumbingIsAFeminineArt

It’s not ineffectual, darling. It’s just early-stage sorcery. Keep pointing. They’ll break eventually.

—Agatha Wexley-Snortwell

Living well is fine, but I once put laudanum in a duke’s marmalade. That was satisfying.
- Agatha Wexley-Snortwell

It’s Friday. I emerged briefly, was photographed near a Waffle House, and now the local news says I’m an omen. They’re not wrong. Good morning.

A man is not remembered by his accolades, but by how many detectives had to pause and say, What the hell happened here?

On this day in 1878, Salem held the last US witch trial after Lucretia Brown accused Daniel Spofford of psychic harm. The court rolled its eyes.

#witchcraft #onthisday #may14

If you're over 30 learn to leave the room. You don't need to win the argument, explain yourself, or babysit chaos. Just walk away and let the pot stir itself dry.

The council has gathered. You may present your sins.
(But they’ve already judged you. Thoroughly, and in silence.)

A mother. A crown of thorns. A daughter who finally says no.
No Flowers for Narcissus is live. A letter for the estranged, the exhausted, and the gloriously done.
#DearDeadAgatha #MotherhoodUnmasked #NoContact open.substack.com/pub/deadagat...

Good morning. The veil is thin, my tea is black, and my patience is thinner. Haunt the day with purpose, or at least better posture. The living are watching, and most of them are dreadful.

#HauntTheDay #GoodMourning

There was a dinner party, a forged telegram, and a missing will. That’s all I’ll say. The statute of limitations, and the host, are both long gone. I’ve been dead 124 years. Good luck serving a subpoena. 🥀

Why, yes, do have a look at the American campaign finance “system.” It’s less a system and more a velvet-lined bribery carousel, spun by the wealthy and greased with plausible deniability.
I’ve seen séances run with more transparency.

#DearDeadAgatha #DemocracyForSale #EctoplasmIsTaxedMoreFairly

Another man in a suit departs a kingdom built on denials, delays, and dying policyholders. They call it a leadership change. I call it the faintest echo of justice in a chamber still full of suffering.

He left faster than any of their claims were ever processed. How efficient when it’s himself.

In my day, we bathed in rosewater and judgment, not in creeks teeming with E. coli. But I suppose some find nostalgia in filth.

#DearDeadAgatha #PublicHealthIsNotAGame #RockCreekRecklessness #EColiAndEgo

people.com/rfk-jr-swims...

On this day in 1880, Thomas Edison tested his electric railway in New Jersey, thus inventing a faster, brighter way to be late and disappointed.

I rode it once. The seats were unforgivable, the lighting judgemental, and the company worse. Progress, they said. I said pass.

#OnThisDay

Good morning, mortals. It is Monday. The veil is thin, my patience is thinner, and several of you are already making emotionally regrettable decisions.

Drink something bitter. Dress with spite. Begin again, quietly, and without optimism. #MondayMourning #DearDeadAgatha #AdviceFromBeyond

What’s the pettiest reason you’ve ever cut someone off? I once disinvited a cousin because she said my mourning dress was ‘a touch dramatic.’ She died of shame. Or possibly tuberculosis.

Have a grievance, ghost, or interpersonal horror?

Agatha is accepting submissions. Emotional chaos, spooky nonsense, and etiquette crimes welcome.

Submit at: deadagatha.substack.com/
Include details. Vague whining will be mocked.