my favorite bluesky arguments are the long drawn-out ones where person a responds via direct reply and person b exclusively answers through quote-posts. it's like seeing two people arguing on the street with one person facing sideways and shouting into the open door of a baskin robbins

operator: 911, please state the nature of your emergency
me: yeah uh, i built a little house with my son’s blocks and he crawled over and knocked it down
operator: how old is he?
me: nine months
operator: i’m sorry. i’m sure it was a really cool house you built
me: no it wasn’t. how would you know

No matter how many Nazi’s infiltrate Twitter I just can’t conceive of leaving the app which is kinda the same mistake my ancestors made too

my biggest 2024 breakthrough: discovering that scarecrows aren't real. crops are just SO much easier to steal now. i used to pull up one or two turnips and run off, but i'm not scared anymore. the only challenge ahead of me in 2025 is to keep from eating so many turnips i give myself a stomach ache

ZIPPER INVENTOR: it's like two saws that mesh together

PANTS DESIGNER: perfect! Let's put it right here next to the penis

I feel like I'm the only leftist poster on this damn website

operator: 911, please state the nature of your emergency
me: hold on i'm on the phone
operator: i know
me: oh. right. so. hiker isn't the strongest balatro joker, but it is my favorite. even if you sell it, it's already chipped up your deck like crazy
operator: totally agree
me: hey i'm on the phone

they should call it the super bowl, since it will be played around supper time. or i mean they should call it it the supper bowl, since it will be played around dinner time. i mean supper time

Unlike any of you whores I will conceive my child through the power of prayer

if you’re a baseball fan, i encourage you to check out mlb

just saw a guy walking down the street with shoes on both of his feet. everybody else is hopping around on one foot to save money and he was just like yeah, give me this one and throw another one in the box too. ring it up. what a flex

it feels like somebody broke into my house and moved all the furniture an inch to the left

my go-to grubhub hack for ordering ants on a log:

1. look up any restaurant
2. order any item
3. add the following note: "i do not want this item. instead, please spread peanut butter over a rib of celery and add raisins on top of the peanut butter so as to resemble ants. thank you!"
4. tip $400

it feels nice to be a small account again. twitter fredwards ego got too big, had to beat him with a shovel

imagine if elon had been hitting one of those dorky ass jumps on stage during trump’s assassination attempt