handjob jones
@handjobjones.bsky.social
when a man and a woman love each other, like your father and I...
Do you guys think I'm cooking my own meat a little bit every time I use my electric heating pad on my back whenever I'm a little bit cold?
January 3, 2026 at 6:15 PM
Do you guys think I'm cooking my own meat a little bit every time I use my electric heating pad on my back whenever I'm a little bit cold?
The thing I like about puddles is it's like a mirror you can slurp
January 3, 2026 at 5:29 PM
The thing I like about puddles is it's like a mirror you can slurp
[break room]
coworker: hey jones
me: what's up my good bitch, it smells like vagina in here!
*overhead speaker* jones come to my office
coworker: hey jones
me: what's up my good bitch, it smells like vagina in here!
*overhead speaker* jones come to my office
January 3, 2026 at 3:14 PM
[break room]
coworker: hey jones
me: what's up my good bitch, it smells like vagina in here!
*overhead speaker* jones come to my office
coworker: hey jones
me: what's up my good bitch, it smells like vagina in here!
*overhead speaker* jones come to my office
Calling up JG Wentworth to see if I can get hookers and blow as urgently as cash
January 2, 2026 at 10:08 PM
Calling up JG Wentworth to see if I can get hookers and blow as urgently as cash
Don't project your lacking on to me, hoe, I am abundant!!!!!
January 2, 2026 at 7:07 PM
Don't project your lacking on to me, hoe, I am abundant!!!!!
Boy band called destiny's kyle
January 2, 2026 at 1:09 PM
Boy band called destiny's kyle
Witchcraft! At the H&R Block
January 1, 2026 at 7:50 PM
Witchcraft! At the H&R Block
Boobs of three, let it be.
January 1, 2026 at 3:32 PM
Boobs of three, let it be.
As you make your New Year's resolutions, I want you to remember that you can do anything! You could probably drop kick a small dog into the sun if you trained hard enough
January 1, 2026 at 1:15 AM
As you make your New Year's resolutions, I want you to remember that you can do anything! You could probably drop kick a small dog into the sun if you trained hard enough
Reposted by handjob jones
I do not enjoy explosion based holidays.
December 31, 2025 at 9:54 AM
I do not enjoy explosion based holidays.
Respectfully, you look like you've got several medals for hog calls on your walls
January 1, 2026 at 12:20 AM
Respectfully, you look like you've got several medals for hog calls on your walls
Coworker leaving work on New Year's Eve: see you next year lol
Me:
Me:
December 31, 2025 at 7:48 PM
Coworker leaving work on New Year's Eve: see you next year lol
Me:
Me:
Me: ...and that's why it's called bomb threat roulette, your honor
Judge: have you ever considered getting your shit together
Judge: have you ever considered getting your shit together
December 31, 2025 at 7:23 PM
Me: ...and that's why it's called bomb threat roulette, your honor
Judge: have you ever considered getting your shit together
Judge: have you ever considered getting your shit together
I'm not married, but if I were, I'd create wedding ring tracking software to make sure my spouse wasn't getting onion rings or drugs without me
December 31, 2025 at 1:55 PM
I'm not married, but if I were, I'd create wedding ring tracking software to make sure my spouse wasn't getting onion rings or drugs without me
Idk about you idiots but I'm a soup slut and this chicken alfredo soup melted my damn face off. I'm fighting for my life at the soup factory.
December 31, 2025 at 1:32 PM
Idk about you idiots but I'm a soup slut and this chicken alfredo soup melted my damn face off. I'm fighting for my life at the soup factory.
I have no desire to touch a dolphin, that's disgusting and doesn't align with my values.
December 30, 2025 at 8:37 PM
I have no desire to touch a dolphin, that's disgusting and doesn't align with my values.
My new years resolution is to spread nefarious rumors about myself to see how gnarly they become by the time they return back to me. "If you love something, let it go" type beat.
December 30, 2025 at 6:13 PM
My new years resolution is to spread nefarious rumors about myself to see how gnarly they become by the time they return back to me. "If you love something, let it go" type beat.
Joshes are feral, Joshua's button their shirts up to the top button
December 30, 2025 at 3:12 AM
Joshes are feral, Joshua's button their shirts up to the top button
Reposted by handjob jones
damn that baby looks cool as hell
December 29, 2025 at 11:11 PM
damn that baby looks cool as hell
If Dallas Cowboys fans can pray to the lord for a win, I can pray on your downfall
December 29, 2025 at 9:23 PM
If Dallas Cowboys fans can pray to the lord for a win, I can pray on your downfall
Reposted by handjob jones
[being murdered]
murderer: *murdering*
Me: (realizing i won’t ever have to go back to work) thank you for this
murderer: *murdering*
Me: (realizing i won’t ever have to go back to work) thank you for this
December 29, 2025 at 7:21 PM
[being murdered]
murderer: *murdering*
Me: (realizing i won’t ever have to go back to work) thank you for this
murderer: *murdering*
Me: (realizing i won’t ever have to go back to work) thank you for this
[weed store]
clerk: how can I help you today?
me: let me get uhhhh.... an ounce of frankenstein's butthole
clerk: excellent choice, could I offer you a sampling of our newest strain, circumcision meats?
me: settle down arby's, I'll take some!
clerk: how can I help you today?
me: let me get uhhhh.... an ounce of frankenstein's butthole
clerk: excellent choice, could I offer you a sampling of our newest strain, circumcision meats?
me: settle down arby's, I'll take some!
December 29, 2025 at 5:33 PM
[weed store]
clerk: how can I help you today?
me: let me get uhhhh.... an ounce of frankenstein's butthole
clerk: excellent choice, could I offer you a sampling of our newest strain, circumcision meats?
me: settle down arby's, I'll take some!
clerk: how can I help you today?
me: let me get uhhhh.... an ounce of frankenstein's butthole
clerk: excellent choice, could I offer you a sampling of our newest strain, circumcision meats?
me: settle down arby's, I'll take some!
If I had a fanny pack shaped like a hot dog, that's where I'd keep my gun
December 28, 2025 at 1:45 PM
If I had a fanny pack shaped like a hot dog, that's where I'd keep my gun
Back in my day you had to walk up hill both ways to a pay phone that had the white pages hanging from a rusty cord to doxx someone
December 27, 2025 at 9:27 PM
Back in my day you had to walk up hill both ways to a pay phone that had the white pages hanging from a rusty cord to doxx someone
It bothers me when my heart beats extra hard or my stomach is digesting a little too loudly. I shouldn't have to think about my internal organs.
December 27, 2025 at 7:36 PM
It bothers me when my heart beats extra hard or my stomach is digesting a little too loudly. I shouldn't have to think about my internal organs.