Thinking of calling in “kissed from a rose on the grey” to work tomorrow.

cornless bonedogs

funny how yawning is contagious but sleeplessness is not. insomnia is a lonely disease

Let's go beat the shit out of Mr. Beast. Message me for details.

guys settle an argument for me-

how many meatballs are you supposed to eat at the same time if you're trying to impress a girl?

Coffee is like cocaine to me, by which I mean I snort it.

Just-ate-nine-Jolly-Ranchers-ly: “Why do I have a headache?”

Thinking about the guy who this ad works on.

Ok, hear me out. The reason I don’t like American football is because they wear so much padding and a helmet and stuff on the top, but not so much padding on the bottom, and they actually wear like tights which is the opposite of padding, and it’s too top heavy and goofy looking.

You may think I’m an idiot, but scratch the surface a little and I’ll have an ouchie.

True Story: I called in sick because I sharted while getting ready for work.

Some of you have New Year’s resolutions like losing weight, or quitting drinking. Pfft, that’s not my style. My resolution is to do a lot of push ups this year.

I’m not doing this for free anymore.

💎 = 1 pun skeet
💎💎 = wry observation
💎💎💎= makes you think and makes you laugh
💎💎💎💎👑 = I’ll kick you in your genitals

Finally have something to remove the radioactive zombies from my photos.

Barely keeping i🪢t together

To air is human, to water is fish