James Hazelden
@jameshazelden.bsky.social
Award winning playwright, director, musician, writer, podcaster, failure.
My new play is on sale now - Head | Thorax | Abdomen - https://www.lamama.com.au/whats-on/la-mama-presents-2026/head-thorax-abdomen
My new play is on sale now - Head | Thorax | Abdomen - https://www.lamama.com.au/whats-on/la-mama-presents-2026/head-thorax-abdomen
Pinned
Head | Thorax | Abdomen
A dark, mysterious mindfuck from the edges of reality.
www.lamama.com.au
Thrilled to announce that La Mama Theatre will present my new play, Head | Thorax | Abdomen. It's a dark, blackly comic, sad mystery. Book now.
Uranium is the second-heaviest, naturally occurring element on Earth.
The first heaviest? My intensity.
YES!
The first heaviest? My intensity.
YES!
December 10, 2025 at 3:04 AM
Uranium is the second-heaviest, naturally occurring element on Earth.
The first heaviest? My intensity.
YES!
The first heaviest? My intensity.
YES!
Never store your fruit in the fridge.
For best results, store it in the oven at 300 degrees celsius.
For best results, store it in the oven at 300 degrees celsius.
December 9, 2025 at 8:50 PM
Never store your fruit in the fridge.
For best results, store it in the oven at 300 degrees celsius.
For best results, store it in the oven at 300 degrees celsius.
Reposted by James Hazelden
Please buy my new kids' book: "Donald Farting-pants & The Pants That Went Fart!'.
December 9, 2025 at 12:08 PM
Please buy my new kids' book: "Donald Farting-pants & The Pants That Went Fart!'.
Me: I think she's batting her eyes at me.
Batman: Yeah? Well I'm going to eye my bats at her!
Me: What?
*Crash*
*Flapping*
*Screaming*
Batman: Yeah? Well I'm going to eye my bats at her!
Me: What?
*Crash*
*Flapping*
*Screaming*
December 9, 2025 at 4:13 AM
Me: I think she's batting her eyes at me.
Batman: Yeah? Well I'm going to eye my bats at her!
Me: What?
*Crash*
*Flapping*
*Screaming*
Batman: Yeah? Well I'm going to eye my bats at her!
Me: What?
*Crash*
*Flapping*
*Screaming*
Very much enjoying the excellent debut Arseless Chaps album from @damiancowell.bsky.social and @tonymartin.bsky.social
Even though they cleverly omitted 5 tracks from the digital release:
My Webster Weighs A Ton, Clint Eastwood, Theme From 'Arseless Chaps' 1 & 2 and I'm in Love With the World.
Even though they cleverly omitted 5 tracks from the digital release:
My Webster Weighs A Ton, Clint Eastwood, Theme From 'Arseless Chaps' 1 & 2 and I'm in Love With the World.
December 9, 2025 at 3:41 AM
Very much enjoying the excellent debut Arseless Chaps album from @damiancowell.bsky.social and @tonymartin.bsky.social
Even though they cleverly omitted 5 tracks from the digital release:
My Webster Weighs A Ton, Clint Eastwood, Theme From 'Arseless Chaps' 1 & 2 and I'm in Love With the World.
Even though they cleverly omitted 5 tracks from the digital release:
My Webster Weighs A Ton, Clint Eastwood, Theme From 'Arseless Chaps' 1 & 2 and I'm in Love With the World.
People always seemed so surprised when a rich celebrity turns out to be right-wing. Yeah. They're rich. They're the ones the right is protecting. If you want to make a difference, don't be surprised, just get a few friends together and go and eat that celebrity.
December 9, 2025 at 3:27 AM
People always seemed so surprised when a rich celebrity turns out to be right-wing. Yeah. They're rich. They're the ones the right is protecting. If you want to make a difference, don't be surprised, just get a few friends together and go and eat that celebrity.
If you find full stops confronting you are going to shit yourself at the ellipsis...
December 8, 2025 at 11:44 PM
If you find full stops confronting you are going to shit yourself at the ellipsis...
Price to see your favourite band in their prime: $25 to $60
Price to see your favourite band when they're past their prime: $160 to $450
Price to see your favourite band when they're past their prime: $160 to $450
December 8, 2025 at 11:43 PM
Price to see your favourite band in their prime: $25 to $60
Price to see your favourite band when they're past their prime: $160 to $450
Price to see your favourite band when they're past their prime: $160 to $450
I've started doom-scrolling my own Bluesky feed.
December 7, 2025 at 1:39 PM
I've started doom-scrolling my own Bluesky feed.
"They really should consult me - a person with no real experience, education or empathy, before they do literally everything."
- most people on social media
- most people on social media
December 7, 2025 at 12:39 AM
"They really should consult me - a person with no real experience, education or empathy, before they do literally everything."
- most people on social media
- most people on social media
In comedy classes, they say you should turn the joke back onto yourself to take the meanness out of it, so here goes:
"Wow - it sure sucks that I'm a senile, racist, misogynistic, narcissistic, psychotic sexual predator and also President of the United States."
"Wow - it sure sucks that I'm a senile, racist, misogynistic, narcissistic, psychotic sexual predator and also President of the United States."
December 7, 2025 at 12:38 AM
In comedy classes, they say you should turn the joke back onto yourself to take the meanness out of it, so here goes:
"Wow - it sure sucks that I'm a senile, racist, misogynistic, narcissistic, psychotic sexual predator and also President of the United States."
"Wow - it sure sucks that I'm a senile, racist, misogynistic, narcissistic, psychotic sexual predator and also President of the United States."
'Maybe if I praise billionaires they'll give me some of their immense wealth!'
From the makers of, 'we can't tax the rich, in case I unexpectedly become rich one day'.
From the makers of, 'we can't tax the rich, in case I unexpectedly become rich one day'.
December 6, 2025 at 6:53 AM
'Maybe if I praise billionaires they'll give me some of their immense wealth!'
From the makers of, 'we can't tax the rich, in case I unexpectedly become rich one day'.
From the makers of, 'we can't tax the rich, in case I unexpectedly become rich one day'.
Today I have been mostly listening to The Dirty Three.
December 6, 2025 at 2:20 AM
Today I have been mostly listening to The Dirty Three.
A little sad that young people will have to ask, 'what's a cinema?' in my lifetime.
December 5, 2025 at 11:50 PM
A little sad that young people will have to ask, 'what's a cinema?' in my lifetime.
If you've ever fantasized about turning an old cinema into a theatre space, soon will be the time because Netflix is about to put them all out of business.
December 5, 2025 at 11:08 PM
If you've ever fantasized about turning an old cinema into a theatre space, soon will be the time because Netflix is about to put them all out of business.
Hello. It's Bandcamp Friday now and for Australians, most of Saturday as well. Here is my modest collection of masterpieces.
If you don't want to buy anything, that's cool. Please hit the follow button and you'll be told about some upcoming releases and gigs. Thank you.
If you don't want to buy anything, that's cool. Please hit the follow button and you'll be told about some upcoming releases and gigs. Thank you.
James Hazelden
Falls somewhere between Daniel Johnston and Noel Coward. But only alphabetically.
jameshazelden.bandcamp.com
December 5, 2025 at 11:55 AM
Hello. It's Bandcamp Friday now and for Australians, most of Saturday as well. Here is my modest collection of masterpieces.
If you don't want to buy anything, that's cool. Please hit the follow button and you'll be told about some upcoming releases and gigs. Thank you.
If you don't want to buy anything, that's cool. Please hit the follow button and you'll be told about some upcoming releases and gigs. Thank you.
Given the general decline of cinema attendance, measuring a film's financial success by its early theatrical run is like saying, 'this highway is a failure because there are no horses on it'.
December 4, 2025 at 11:11 PM
Given the general decline of cinema attendance, measuring a film's financial success by its early theatrical run is like saying, 'this highway is a failure because there are no horses on it'.
I wish my hair would just go all white, like my beard. But by the time that happens, most of my hair will be gone. It's a bad system.
December 4, 2025 at 3:41 AM
I wish my hair would just go all white, like my beard. But by the time that happens, most of my hair will be gone. It's a bad system.
Imagine hearing someone's opinion, which differs from yours, and just thinking, hmm that's interesting.
December 4, 2025 at 3:41 AM
Imagine hearing someone's opinion, which differs from yours, and just thinking, hmm that's interesting.
Thrilled to announce that La Mama Theatre will present my new play, Head | Thorax | Abdomen. It's a dark, blackly comic, sad mystery. Book now.
Head | Thorax | Abdomen
A dark, mysterious mindfuck from the edges of reality.
www.lamama.com.au
December 4, 2025 at 12:34 AM
Thrilled to announce that La Mama Theatre will present my new play, Head | Thorax | Abdomen. It's a dark, blackly comic, sad mystery. Book now.
It should have been called, Lord of the Rings: Dial M For Mordor
December 3, 2025 at 11:59 PM
It should have been called, Lord of the Rings: Dial M For Mordor
People before 1928: This is the best thing until sliced bread gets invented. Then it’s just bullshit in comparison.
December 1, 2025 at 1:18 AM
People before 1928: This is the best thing until sliced bread gets invented. Then it’s just bullshit in comparison.
Today I have been mostly listening to Bic Runga.
November 29, 2025 at 4:45 AM
Today I have been mostly listening to Bic Runga.