Nick Assunto
@nickassunto.bsky.social
Black List Recommended Screenwriter. Nerd. Autistic. I write funny things for money but nobody has paid me yet so please pay me the munnies for the funnies.
Reposted by Nick Assunto
a good award seasons bit would be SINNERS doing FYC campaigns for michael b jordan for both best actor and best supporting actor
January 19, 2026 at 10:05 PM
a good award seasons bit would be SINNERS doing FYC campaigns for michael b jordan for both best actor and best supporting actor
The Democrat pitch for 2028: “Want to stop fascism and end the wars? Send me $20 for my campaign and I’ll keep posting about grocery prices for sure!”
January 21, 2026 at 2:25 AM
The Democrat pitch for 2028: “Want to stop fascism and end the wars? Send me $20 for my campaign and I’ll keep posting about grocery prices for sure!”
All Sane Americans:
a cartoon of ralph from the simpsons sits in an orange seat in front of an emergency exit sign
ALT: a cartoon of ralph from the simpsons sits in an orange seat in front of an emergency exit sign
media.tenor.com
January 21, 2026 at 2:22 AM
All Sane Americans:
New Mel Brooks documentary is on the way. If you’re a fan, check out my script FUNNY BOY! on the @theblcklst.bsky.social it’s a tribute to his works and friendships, and completely fictional foolishness!
January 19, 2026 at 5:56 PM
New Mel Brooks documentary is on the way. If you’re a fan, check out my script FUNNY BOY! on the @theblcklst.bsky.social it’s a tribute to his works and friendships, and completely fictional foolishness!
Where the fuck is every democrat right now? You guys ever going to do anything?
January 18, 2026 at 5:27 PM
Where the fuck is every democrat right now? You guys ever going to do anything?
Watching my GrubHub driver miss every turn to the point that my order is 30 minutes late. Can only assume he’s got bees in his car.
January 12, 2026 at 3:01 AM
Watching my GrubHub driver miss every turn to the point that my order is 30 minutes late. Can only assume he’s got bees in his car.
Slightly diminish a band.
Pre-owned Found Glory
Pre-owned Found Glory
Slightly diminish a band.
Cherry Poppin' Single Fathers
Cherry Poppin' Single Fathers
Slightly diminish a band.
Linkin Playground
Linkin Playground
January 11, 2026 at 8:41 PM
Slightly diminish a band.
Pre-owned Found Glory
Pre-owned Found Glory
Spotify recommended me a playlist called "2000s Dad Rock" so brb I have to go kill myself.
December 3, 2025 at 3:28 AM
Spotify recommended me a playlist called "2000s Dad Rock" so brb I have to go kill myself.
When Lyft and Uber combine there’s no stopping the inevitable Luber.
November 14, 2025 at 6:14 PM
When Lyft and Uber combine there’s no stopping the inevitable Luber.
When Orcs eat other Orcs, do you think they ever make Pulled Orc sandwiches?
October 31, 2025 at 8:55 PM
When Orcs eat other Orcs, do you think they ever make Pulled Orc sandwiches?
Give somebody permanent anxiety by texting “I have a lot of feelings I need to get out.” Then start another text but just leave it like that til humanity no longer exists.
October 27, 2025 at 1:43 AM
Give somebody permanent anxiety by texting “I have a lot of feelings I need to get out.” Then start another text but just leave it like that til humanity no longer exists.
Americans need to go on strike as a whole. Anyone working a non-essential job. If this country won’t work for us, we shouldn’t work for it and the rich who run it.
October 22, 2025 at 9:39 PM
Americans need to go on strike as a whole. Anyone working a non-essential job. If this country won’t work for us, we shouldn’t work for it and the rich who run it.
My grandparents who love Fox News left me a voicemail making sure I was safe in Portland. How do I get on Fox News to declare myself the head of Antifa as a bit?
October 9, 2025 at 3:52 AM
My grandparents who love Fox News left me a voicemail making sure I was safe in Portland. How do I get on Fox News to declare myself the head of Antifa as a bit?
@jamesgunn.bsky.social Humoring myself with this pitch lol
Okay so DCU paranoid thriller focused on Two-Face. He robs a bank, but Batman shows up and quickly takes out his crew. He goes on the run. Batman closes in. When Two-Face is caught he rips off Batman’s—
Okay so DCU paranoid thriller focused on Two-Face. He robs a bank, but Batman shows up and quickly takes out his crew. He goes on the run. Batman closes in. When Two-Face is caught he rips off Batman’s—
August 15, 2025 at 5:52 AM
@jamesgunn.bsky.social Humoring myself with this pitch lol
Okay so DCU paranoid thriller focused on Two-Face. He robs a bank, but Batman shows up and quickly takes out his crew. He goes on the run. Batman closes in. When Two-Face is caught he rips off Batman’s—
Okay so DCU paranoid thriller focused on Two-Face. He robs a bank, but Batman shows up and quickly takes out his crew. He goes on the run. Batman closes in. When Two-Face is caught he rips off Batman’s—
The Millennial curse of having a random commercial pop in your head like (John Madden Voice) “Tough Actin’ Tenactin.”
July 29, 2025 at 3:53 AM
The Millennial curse of having a random commercial pop in your head like (John Madden Voice) “Tough Actin’ Tenactin.”
If you say "thank you" in German with a Scottish accent, you too can become a Shrek.
April 22, 2025 at 7:19 PM
If you say "thank you" in German with a Scottish accent, you too can become a Shrek.
Sinners was incredible but I shall also alt title it "O Vampire, Where Art Thou?" for my own entertainment.
April 19, 2025 at 11:32 PM
Sinners was incredible but I shall also alt title it "O Vampire, Where Art Thou?" for my own entertainment.
How I imagine Wes Anderson's DP messes with him
Peralta Pranks Holt | Brooklyn Nine-Nine
YouTube video by Brooklyn Nine-Nine
www.youtube.com
April 10, 2025 at 7:26 PM
How I imagine Wes Anderson's DP messes with him
What’s annoying is the strategy is clearly tank the economy then point the blame on anyone they don’t like. And it’ll work on many.
April 4, 2025 at 5:26 AM
What’s annoying is the strategy is clearly tank the economy then point the blame on anyone they don’t like. And it’ll work on many.
Dear Film Industry,
I'm a two time Black List Recommended Screenwriter. Ask @franklinleonard.bsky.social
I was also featured on their annual Disability List.
I've been on the OWA list at Sony Pictures. I've been optioned by an indie producer.
I would love a paying job, though.
Thanks.
Nick
I'm a two time Black List Recommended Screenwriter. Ask @franklinleonard.bsky.social
I was also featured on their annual Disability List.
I've been on the OWA list at Sony Pictures. I've been optioned by an indie producer.
I would love a paying job, though.
Thanks.
Nick
April 2, 2025 at 4:01 PM
Dear Film Industry,
I'm a two time Black List Recommended Screenwriter. Ask @franklinleonard.bsky.social
I was also featured on their annual Disability List.
I've been on the OWA list at Sony Pictures. I've been optioned by an indie producer.
I would love a paying job, though.
Thanks.
Nick
I'm a two time Black List Recommended Screenwriter. Ask @franklinleonard.bsky.social
I was also featured on their annual Disability List.
I've been on the OWA list at Sony Pictures. I've been optioned by an indie producer.
I would love a paying job, though.
Thanks.
Nick
So tired I just stepped on my own shoelace and apologized to myself thinking I bumped into someone. No one is near me.
March 24, 2025 at 7:06 PM
So tired I just stepped on my own shoelace and apologized to myself thinking I bumped into someone. No one is near me.
80s movie pitches were so easy you just had to be like “what if an Italian kid knew karate?”
March 15, 2025 at 11:09 PM
80s movie pitches were so easy you just had to be like “what if an Italian kid knew karate?”
Why do parents who carry their kids on their shoulders not wear large trenchcoats so the kid can do the bit?
March 14, 2025 at 1:40 AM
Why do parents who carry their kids on their shoulders not wear large trenchcoats so the kid can do the bit?
Reacher is basically what if Sherlock Holmes was really very quite large.
March 8, 2025 at 12:29 AM
Reacher is basically what if Sherlock Holmes was really very quite large.
I get the feeling Elon Musk thinks Bond movies end after the villain finishes his master plan monologue.
March 7, 2025 at 6:22 AM
I get the feeling Elon Musk thinks Bond movies end after the villain finishes his master plan monologue.