OfficialTimWood
@officialtimwood.bsky.social
Number 1 buyer of Raisins in Dartford 2019 & 2021
Impressive stuff since I've only been to Staines once in 2025, and we only bought 3 packs for a family Christmas treat... But hey I guess no one else bought them because they taste AMAZING but the packaging makes them look flavourless
January 6, 2026 at 6:43 PM
Impressive stuff since I've only been to Staines once in 2025, and we only bought 3 packs for a family Christmas treat... But hey I guess no one else bought them because they taste AMAZING but the packaging makes them look flavourless
Reposted by OfficialTimWood
SCROOGE: you there! what day is today?
BOY: today? it's Christmas Day
SCROOGE: the spirits did it all in one night!
BOY: NINETEEN SEVENTY THREE
[Life on Mars plays, a Ford Cortina suddenly crashes into Scrooge's front room]
GENE HUNT: OI, DI Scrooge, get in, we've got a nonce in Didsbury to bust
BOY: today? it's Christmas Day
SCROOGE: the spirits did it all in one night!
BOY: NINETEEN SEVENTY THREE
[Life on Mars plays, a Ford Cortina suddenly crashes into Scrooge's front room]
GENE HUNT: OI, DI Scrooge, get in, we've got a nonce in Didsbury to bust
December 25, 2025 at 10:59 AM
SCROOGE: you there! what day is today?
BOY: today? it's Christmas Day
SCROOGE: the spirits did it all in one night!
BOY: NINETEEN SEVENTY THREE
[Life on Mars plays, a Ford Cortina suddenly crashes into Scrooge's front room]
GENE HUNT: OI, DI Scrooge, get in, we've got a nonce in Didsbury to bust
BOY: today? it's Christmas Day
SCROOGE: the spirits did it all in one night!
BOY: NINETEEN SEVENTY THREE
[Life on Mars plays, a Ford Cortina suddenly crashes into Scrooge's front room]
GENE HUNT: OI, DI Scrooge, get in, we've got a nonce in Didsbury to bust
And lo the Christ child was visited by 3 wise sellotape dispensers, bearing gifts...
December 24, 2025 at 8:34 PM
And lo the Christ child was visited by 3 wise sellotape dispensers, bearing gifts...
Reposted by OfficialTimWood
and Tiny Tim, who did die and was secretly replaced in 1966 by a lookalike
December 24, 2025 at 5:56 PM
and Tiny Tim, who did die and was secretly replaced in 1966 by a lookalike
Reposted by OfficialTimWood
I cannot imagine figuring out how to raise a newborn without my brand new revolutionary product, a Big Box of Angry Crabs. say you have a question by about sleep cycles. You simply place your face near the lid and then open to- AH FUCK THEY'VE GOT MY NOSE, OH CHRIST, CLOSE THE BOX CLOSE THE BOX
December 10, 2025 at 7:52 AM
I cannot imagine figuring out how to raise a newborn without my brand new revolutionary product, a Big Box of Angry Crabs. say you have a question by about sleep cycles. You simply place your face near the lid and then open to- AH FUCK THEY'VE GOT MY NOSE, OH CHRIST, CLOSE THE BOX CLOSE THE BOX
What a find in @sainsburys.bsky.social this morning - a great price for a whole Jamie Oliver. Should feed most of the family for Christmas I reckon
December 8, 2025 at 8:51 AM
What a find in @sainsburys.bsky.social this morning - a great price for a whole Jamie Oliver. Should feed most of the family for Christmas I reckon
@watsoncomedian.bsky.social well somehow my computer accidentally downloaded episode 1 of your new podcast 4 times, so that should hopefully help with the chart rankings at least...
November 30, 2025 at 8:48 PM
@watsoncomedian.bsky.social well somehow my computer accidentally downloaded episode 1 of your new podcast 4 times, so that should hopefully help with the chart rankings at least...
Reposted by OfficialTimWood
Given the current polling, asking Kemi Badenoch to respond to the Budget is about as relevant as asking what Chesney Hawkes thought of it.
November 26, 2025 at 1:49 PM
Given the current polling, asking Kemi Badenoch to respond to the Budget is about as relevant as asking what Chesney Hawkes thought of it.
Reposted by OfficialTimWood
your dead AI mother loves you so much ❤️
November 15, 2025 at 12:50 AM
your dead AI mother loves you so much ❤️
Wait are we just living out the opening titles of Mock The Week at this point?...
November 5, 2025 at 5:33 AM
Wait are we just living out the opening titles of Mock The Week at this point?...
Primark here, subtly telling its customers to F off via an acrostic...
November 3, 2025 at 8:48 AM
Primark here, subtly telling its customers to F off via an acrostic...
Reposted by OfficialTimWood
![1
Nurse:
It’s become a real problem in this area
2
Nurse:
We’ve seen the whole community lost to addiction
3
Show a building sign posted:
Westminster ‘X’ Addiction Clinic
With various Westminster people or looking at their phones outside it
Nurse:
Ministers, Spads, Researchers…
4
Nurse:
Most mornings we’ll get a call about someone acting strangely
[Nurse on phone taking a call]
Ok - we’ll be right over
5
Nurse:
We just have a gentle chat
[Nurses approach a minister –Robert Jenrick? - standing in the Palace of Westminster
Minister:
I understand your concerns…
6
Nurse:
Are you OK love?
Minister:
Yes I’m just hearing legitimate concerns from real voters
7
Nurse:
That’s a robot, a Nazi and a poorly-disguised Russian
[Show that the people he is talking to are precisely these characters]
Nurse 2:
Give us your phone, love
8
Nurse:
At the clinic we put them in a Grass-Touching Pod, with a real voter to talk to
[We see them back at the clinic, holding the minister's head and pushing him into a glass isolation booth with a grass floor. And it is a baffled looking woman, on a chair, ready to talk to him.]
9
Minister:
YOU MUST BE WORRIED ABOUT THE COMING CIVIL WAR
[woman looks baffled]
10
woman:
I just want a bus service
Minister:
LOOK AT MY FLAG
[produces a St George's flag]
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreicahofq6s4xow7vowj7dx6odw6ejdwr4kwcmzta7qwi4hg2nvywji@jpeg)
Shout out to the hooded man sat in a hatchback in a Wickes carpark playing what definitely sounded like 'My Heart Will Go On' from Titanic at 6:15 this morning...
October 9, 2025 at 5:18 AM
Shout out to the hooded man sat in a hatchback in a Wickes carpark playing what definitely sounded like 'My Heart Will Go On' from Titanic at 6:15 this morning...
Has it occurred to anyone that the song Wi$h Li$t from the new Taylor Swift album is aaalmost lyrically a reply song to Rockstar by Nickelback?
October 6, 2025 at 2:19 PM
Has it occurred to anyone that the song Wi$h Li$t from the new Taylor Swift album is aaalmost lyrically a reply song to Rockstar by Nickelback?
I see the company that bought TG Jones (formerly WHSmiths) and Hobby Craft have now bought Claire's Accessories... We're one step closer to the dream of a one stop shop where you can get your ears pierced whilst eating overpriced out of date chocolate and painting a giant cardboard giraffe!
September 26, 2025 at 9:13 PM
I see the company that bought TG Jones (formerly WHSmiths) and Hobby Craft have now bought Claire's Accessories... We're one step closer to the dream of a one stop shop where you can get your ears pierced whilst eating overpriced out of date chocolate and painting a giant cardboard giraffe!
Age verification has informed me that my face doesn't look like a real face... Thanks...
July 25, 2025 at 8:07 PM
Age verification has informed me that my face doesn't look like a real face... Thanks...
So effectively what you're saying here is that they couldn't organise a piss up in a...
July 23, 2025 at 5:42 AM
So effectively what you're saying here is that they couldn't organise a piss up in a...