Has anyone really felt alive since they took away the shredded chicken at Taco Bell?

you're telling me jimmy cracked this corn

[kermit the frog voice] fuck you i wont do what you tell me

[in a deep state of grief and depression for almost a year]

why don't people want to talk to me???

whenever the chance to naturally say "penultimate" comes up in conversation, I get such a rush I can't even explain it

looks like a snail

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

Gentle parenting is all well and good, but threatening to untie your toddler's belly button has been way more effective this morning.

It would suck to send memes in ancient Mesopotamia. No, babe, I wasn't trying to break your window with the clay tablet, I was trying to ask you "what if our nipples clicked in and out like clicky pens?" but I missed because my chariot brakes were out.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chipmunks alludes to he himself not being one

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet???

Because they lactose

Sir a second deviled egg has just entered my ass.

trying to figure out the ✨vibes✨ here. how close can I shitpost to the sun?